'The Real Housewives of Orange County' Recap: All Business
'The Real Housewives of Orange County' Recap: All Business
Gretchen and Alexis meet up to talk about how their careers are on this insane upward trajectory and they can barely keep track of everything because they are SO busy. Ooh, look at Alexis's statement nail. Gretchen lets it slip that she was the first choice for the Fox 5 gig. That is rude, Gretchen, especially when you're all "oh I'm so glad one of us was able to do this," about it.

Alexis has Gretchen watch her segment on "Sex, Pop Culture, and Children." Why would you show that off as an example? It was terrible! Then Gretchen gave some constructive criticism, and it turns out Alexis just wanted her to be happy for her no matter what.

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I forgot Heather was an actress! But Heather the actress (Heather Paige Kent) has an audition. I also had no idea there was a show called That's Life or that Jenny McCarthy had a sitcom at all. All the episode titles in Jenny started with "A Girl's Gotta ..."!  A girl's gotta get back in the acting game now that her kids are in school.

Gretchen is folding socks in preparation for her Pussycat Dolls performance. She is inviting all the women to Las Vegas to see her perform. All of them.

Heather returns from the audition with news that the show shoots in Canada. So what happens if she gets the part? Will she have to decide between family and a career? Oh boy, THAT'S LIFE! But seriously, this is almost exactly the plot of "That's Life," a woman "wants more out of life than just marriage and kids." In the end, Terry says "whatever you need, I'm supportive of." They have a great marriage. Is there more, though? Heather Paige Kent might be about to find out!

Alexis approaches Jim with a similar topic: she wants a hosting or acting coach like Gretchen has. Jim is all, "I don't know where that fits into being a wife, mother," and I bet he thought they had agreed she wasn't going to keep doing the Fox 5 thing. Jim is not happy. Neither is Alexis. This is how the conversation ends.

Vicki packs for Vegas with her sad, tired assistant. "Yeah, you gotta wear that," the assistant says of a black lacy boudoir-looking dress. Vicki tells her Gretchen is doing this PCD thing and the spacey, sad assistant goes, "well, she's definitely got the body for it." Whehhhhh :(.

Alexis has a lot of cars, and Tamra wonders in the limo if it's a result of different repos. Also, no one knows what Jim does. He's "an entrepreneur." Porn industry.

Gretchen and Slade check out their swanky Las Vegas digs before heading to rehearsal. It doesn't look like a lot of stuff to do, but Gretchen, the "natural performer," is overwhelmed. The performance doesn't come out right in rehearsal, but Gretchen knows it. "I was so off," she confesses in an interview. Good for Slade for not looking at her with judgey eyes, though, like everyone else. The angry, gay David Blaine looking choreographer is like, "let's just fix that," about everything.

Unlike Lisa Vanderpump and her daughter's bachelorette party, this group is going to The Palms. Vicki is being nice to Gretchen, and she gets too nervous. She starts freaking out in front of them, as Brooks drinks a beer and creepily looks at the camera in the background. What is up with that guy?

Alexis and her new nose ask their makeup artist for "sultry and saucy," in addition to major nosejob bruising cover-up. Oh my god, Alexis's face! Anastasia, the makeup artist, did a bad job--she looks crazy! Alexis looks at Jim and mouths "it's too much! No!" It was kind of cute of her. But wash that FACE, girl! And fire Anastasia.

Alexis asks Jim if it's too much makeup and he tells her "Okay, we really gotta go." They get Anastasia out of the room and Jim says, "we gotta start over," as Alexis hurriedly wipes her face with a washcloth. "I can't get it off!" she says with half a face of makeup.

Alexis finally arrives at dinner and Tamra notes Jim's chin implant. She also notes that Alexis kind of looks like a drag queen but believe me, Tamra, it was way worse before. It's still bad, but it was even worse before.

Creepily, and possibly drunkenly, Brooks tells Alexis and Jim that he and Vicki send daily text affirmations to each other. Then he tells a ... joke? about some quote he sent about a man yelling or whispering? I don't know, it didn't go well. Gretchen's not the only one who's nervous tonight!

Right before the show, Alexis goes out and prays with Gretchen, for whose benefit I'm not sure. In a sparkly outfit with bows all over the seat, Gretchen approaches the stage. And as though we hadn't already built this moment up for weeks and weeks, we will have to wait until NEXT WEEK to see the most anticipated performance of THE DECADE.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

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