Hello, America.

My name is Jack Bauer.  You may not know who I am, so let me fill you in.  I used to work for the Los Angeles division of the U.S .Government's Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU).  I have killed literally hundreds of unnamed terrorists and henchmen and even some innocent civilians, all in the name of this country.  I don't mean to brag, but I am a patriot.  Obviously, the Fourth of July is my favorite holiday (close second: Arbor Day).  Every time the Fourth comes along, I think of all the terrorists whose necks I've bitten off, whose groins I've electroshocked, all of the government officials I've kidnapped, and the foreign embassies I've infiltrated.  All in the name of patriotism, of course.

Given my past as a government killing machine, I feel that I'm uniquely qualified to offer some advice for the common man as we approach this sacred holiday:


1.  Plastic Silverware is for Wusses
I know, I know.  You're probably going to barbecue with your family and friends, probably at somebody's cabin or lake house or roof.  Plastic silverware from the local grocery store is convenient.  This is a common trap that Joe Six-Pack often falls into.  Let me toss you a question: In case of a terrorist attack, how will you engage in hand-to-hand combat?  Terrorists tend to be vaguely Middle Eastern and will likely have trained for years.  You need an advantage – silverware can come in handy.  A steak knife is ideal for a quick shank to the mid-section, but even a metal spoon can inflict adequate damage (hint: aim for the eyes).  Plastic silverware?  Advantage terrorists.  Also, plastic is bad for the environment.

2.  Don't Skimp on Fireworks
Sparklers and Roman Candles may be “cute” and “safe” but will do you no good in an impromptu beach firework battle.  M-80s are a good start.  Even if there is no imminent threat, it doesn't do any harm to pick a few targets in the distance and work on your aim – you never know when terrorists will invade your lake.  It's happened before, and it will happen again.  I can't save you every time.  In case all you have are those measly Roman Candles and Sparklers, again, aim for the eyes. 

3.  If You're Bringing Potato Salad to a Party, It Sure as Hell Better be Home Made
Seriously, don't buy potato salad at the store.  Your friends will never forgive you.  Trust me. 

4.  If You're Going to Drink, Drink Heavily or Not at All
My tactics may not be Politically Correct, but they are effective. Hear me out.  People like to drink their beer, their wine, their moonshine, whatever, on holidays.  The Fourth of July is one of America's foremost drinking holidays, and something we as a country can be proud of.  In case of an attack on your party, it doesn't help anyone if you're half-drunk.  You will be lethargic, with mediocre reflexes, and have an increased propensity to piss your pants at the sight of a bearded terrorist armed with an automatic weapon.  But, if you're absolutely hammered drunk, you may just survive.  At extreme levels of intoxication, you will have supreme confidence, you will feel no pain, and might just possess irregular super-human strength.  Drunken boxing?  Not a myth – it works.  Remember, those two extra Gin and Tonics could be the difference between life and death. 

5.  To Avoid Suspicion, Wear Red, White and Blue
I don't typically defend poor fashion choices.  However, the Fourth of July has long been the day that everyone digs into the depths of their closets to find that American Flag tie, that American Flag jacket, that American Flag jump suit, whatever.  It may not be aesthetically pleasing, but wearing the American colors could save your life.  Hypothetical: you are at a block party on the Fourth, canoodling with the neighbors, maybe enjoying a brat and a beer.  All of a sudden, a gun fight spills onto your block, government officials battling it out with vaguely Middle Easter terrorists.  You are caught in the crossfire.  Who's more likely to survive – you, unshaven, wearing jeans and a gray t-shirt, or your aunt, who's wearing her bedazzled American Flag leather jacket?  Be patriotic – don't be a victim of friendly fire. 

Sincerely,
Jack Bauer


-Oscar Dahl, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image Courtesy of FOX)