Go-karts. Airplanes. Steve-O squirting lime juice into his eyeballs. These were just a few of the oddities capping off season 2 of True Beauty
. I felt like the only thing missing were giant pandas wreaking havoc in electronic stores and Johnny Knoxville prepping his crotch for target practice. (Maybe Executive Produce Ashton Kutcher is saving that for Season 3...?)
In the final episode, we watched Erika Othen, Taylor Bills, and Craig Franczyk keep their eyeballs open for record amounts of time while they ate, drank, danced, and go-karted their way through Las Vegas. Despite Steve-O's attempt to boost morale by burning his corneas at a Greek restaurant and speaking in code ("sometimes you gotta break some eggs to make an omelette"), the three contestants--well, mainly Erika--were exhausted by the time they made it to their final challenge: shoot a commercial. Not an easy feat when you're fatigued and full of booze. And because the producers hadn't flexed their mean muscles enough (Tyra, you know I'm talking to you, girl), each person had only one hour to memorize their lines before the cameras started rolling. Cue Erika crying, claiming that she doesn't want to win the show anymore, recanting when she remembers that $100,000 can buy her all the shoes and lip gloss she'll ever want.
What came next offered less entertainment and risk for personal injury and can be summed up as follows: Commercials are viewed, judges announce a tie between all three contestants (shocker).
Contestants are forced to act like Zelda, navigating underground labyrinths leading to the Spy Room.
Contestants learn the real meaning of the show (the search for Inner Beauty), watch footage of themselves laughing at brides, opening forbidden envelopes, and doing other mean things.
Judges ruminate. Is Erika fake? Is Taylor a big boy or a five year-old? Does Craig make good decisions? (answer: no.)
Craig loses. Creepy slot machine depicting Erika and Taylor's heads is procured to determine the winner.
The Taylor head wins! Taylor is happier than a bag of rainbows, Erika is sad, Craig continues to love Craig, and contestants are showered in money confetti. The end.
I will admit that I was surprised at Taylor's win. I'd pegged Erika as this season's beauty. I hope Taylor takes his title of Most Beautiful Person very seriously by supplying canned goods to hungry children and fostering gimpy kittens after he's finished his People
photo shoot and spent all his cash on a yacht populated with half-naked ladies.
Sound off in the comments below. Did Taylor deserve to win? Was Erika robbed? Will Craig ever learn the meaning of inner beauty?