'The X Factor' Recap: A Romantic Proposal and No Good Groups
'The X Factor' Recap: A Romantic Proposal and No Good Groups
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
I've seen more than enough marriage proposals on reality shows, from Survivor reunions to The Amazing Race, etc. It's a cliche. But somehow that doesn't make it any less romantic, and it doesn't make me cry any less every time it happens.

This episode of The X Factor gets hijacked by a proposal, and even the fact that the man is wearing hideous green pants doesn't ruin the sweetness of the moment.

As for the actual competition, this episode continues to prove that The X Factor season 3 doesn't care about Groups at all. This is the fifth audition episode, and after eight hours, we've seen exactly three good groups. There was the adorable Alex and Sierra, the sister group Roxxy Montana (with one girl 10 times better than the others) and the modern Motown AKNU.

We do see one group in this episode, but it's a terrible rap duo with an original song about dancing and leche. Instead of actually talented groups, we get about a million teenagers, a female footballer player and a guy who may or may not be telling Kelly Rowland to put the lotion in the basket in the future.

Melanie Wright

She's almost 49 and claims she's been working her whole life for this moment. She wears gloves, probably because she's about to strangle David Guetta's "Titanium" and doesn't want to leave any fingerprints. Simon Cowell calls her Cinderella at the Playboy Mansion, which is a far more creative metaphor than this awfulness deserves.

She's followed by a cavalcade of more bad singers. Why does The X Factor insist on starting shows with horrible montages? It puts viewers in a bad mood right away.

Emery Kelly

This 15-year-old kid wants to be like Justin Bieber or the kids in One Direction. Sigh. Demi Lovato calls him Bruno Mars, because he looks a bit like a Mini-Mars. His voice isn't that great, but the judges like his look and charisma. The X Factor really is the anti-Voice, because it's not about singing at all. If you look like you could become an interchangeable member of a boy band, you're in.

Khaya Cohen

Oh good, another 15-year-old. She starts off and she can definitely sing, but Simon stops her and asks for a different one. I don't hear much a difference, both songs are good, but way too old for her. Teenagers singing songs from 50 years ago is a pet peeve of mine. Anything that you may have heard in a smoke-filled jazz club should not be performed by someone who can't even drive. Demi predicts we'll be seeing Khaya in the finals, because finding a different hyperbole to use every time is hard.

Joseph Tolve

He's a 19-year-old with an absurdly high-pitched (and terrible) voice. If that's for real, then it's crazy and very unfortunate. He sounds like Chris Kattan as a castrato.

James Kenney

He's a 35-year-old apartment manager, but the overly sentimental music makes it sound like he's homeless and needs to make it or he won't be able to support his wife and two adorable daughters. Seriously, his job isn't that bad and they're playing this up way too much.

He made it to the judges' houses back in season 1, but since we've already had a finalist from the first season, clearly there are no rules. He's got plenty of soul and he's handsome in a Sears catalog kind of way. I imagine there are some single ladies in his apartment complex who fake broken toilets to get him to show up and fix their pipes. He moves on to the next round and his little girls run on stage to hug him. Wow, the show is really piling it on thick to make us love this guy.

Good Singer Montage

We then get a quick montage of some good singers, mostly more teens. There's Isaac Tauaefa, Chase Goehring, Allison Davis, Isabel Requena and Isaiah Alston. I don't really care about any of them, except Chase, because he sings an original song and he's a ginger.

David Gray and Lauren Waguespack

He's a handsome man, but he has green pants and a girlfriend (Lauren), so that's two strikes against him. He's doing this for love.

Then we flash back to before the audition when David asked his girlfriend's dad for her hand in marriage. Yup, it's time for an on-stage proposal.

He starts singing and he's absolutely awful. He's quickly booted, but then Lauren shows up. She sings, but that doesn't matter. Once she's done, David walks out and gets down on one knee. Demi and Kelly Rowland look more excited than the bride-to-be. Of course Lauren says "Yes" and it's a genuinely sweet and beautiful moment that makes my cynical heart melt. I love a nice, grand romantic gesture.

Tim Olstad

Simon is late, but the ladies start anyway. Tim is 23 and really nervous. That's the extent of his backstory, so it's hard for me to care about him. Demi asks for something crazy about him, and he can't think of anything except that his mom was his music teacher in elementary school. Even the judges think he's boring. I know it's impossible to define the actual X Factor, but this guy does not have it.

He has a fantastic voice, but he's a black hole of charisma. Somehow talent alone is enough to make Demi think he's perfect just the way he is. See, this is what happens without Simon, the entire premise of the show goes out the window. They're supposed to be looking for a superstar, not just a great singer.

Wesley Mountain

He's 19 and in love with the elegance and beauty of Kelly Rowland. He walks on stage, slowly goes down to the judges, takes Kelly's hand, kisses it, then just stares at her while panting. This is right on the line between cute and creepy.

His voice is actually good, and for Demi and the other judges, that's enough to turn him from creepy to cute. I beg to differ. Sure, he can sing, but that doesn't change the fact that Kelly needs to take out a restraining order ASAP. I'm not sure if he wants to marry her or wear her skin like a coat.

Celine Polenghi

Here's yet another 16-year-old girl with a big voice, just like the dozen or so other powerhouse teenage girls we've seen this season.

She's followed by EVEN MORE talented girls. There's Bree Randall, Primrose Martin and Summer Reign. Thus far for season 3 I think that makes 215 singers in the Girls category and three in Groups.

Rickey Clark, Jr.

He's 19 and Kelly thinks he looks like a Mini-Usher while flirting with him for what seems like an eternity. Simon thinks his voice is flat, and since his opinion is all that matters, the other judges fall in line and he gets booted, but they tell him to come back next year. Rickey starts crying and Kelly runs after him to give him a big hug. I bet Wesley Mountain wishes he started crying.

Lorie Moore

Lorie plays professional women's football, which I didn't know existed. I'm not talking about lingerie football, I'm talking full-contact, scary, bad-ass lady football. She sings Whitney Houston, and is actually quite good. I think I love her, and not just because I'm scared she might track me down and tackle me if I write anything mean. The judges (just Kelly and Simon as the others two aren't there) put her through to the next round.

Secondhand High

Finally, another group! Unfortunately, it's a terrible rap-like duo. This man and woman used to date and were even engaged, but aren't anymore. She's a nagging shrew, something Simon picks up on after about 30 seconds.

They do an awful original song she's certain will be a hit. The chorus is just her singing "You'd better ask me to dance" while he raps about "Why buy the cow when you can get the leche for free." Simon calls it terrible and gets booed. Kelly, however, loves the song and even starts grinding on Simon during the performance. It's a 'No," but there's a decent chance Kelly is going to buy the song and put it on her next album. In fact, the show even does a Simon dream sequence/music video of Kelly and Demi performing the song.

That's it for tonight on The X Factor. Tomorrow is the final night of auditions when the Top 40 acts will be chosen and the producers will reveal which judge will mentor which category. That's a lot to fit into a single hour, and next week we'll get the new Four-Chair Challenge, because going to the judges' homes was boring.

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(Image courtesy of FOX)