Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was explosive
, to say the least. What at first glance seemed like a tiff between Taylor Armstrong and Camille Grammer -- in hindsight, with the knowledge of Russell Armstrong's suicide and Taylor's abusive marriage -- became the clear meltdown of a tortured woman.
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Following the airing of the episode, Taylor talked with Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live
about the dramatic events that have unfolded in her life over the last couple of months.
"I was a little drunk, yeah and a little crazy," Taylor said of her emotional state at the party in Malibu where her breakdown occurred. "I was dealing with so much, and my biggest fears were unravelling. And for me, it's as though I lived my life for quite a long time with a boiling pot that I was holding a lid on top of, and it was starting to bubble over, and there was nothing more I could do. And I was losing my mind because of it. I was truly terrified."
When asked why she was so angry with Camille in the first place, Taylor explained it was because Camille had spoken about the abuse in her marriage at Lisa Vanderpump's tea party on camera, and she was worried about the repercussions of that.
"I had told Camille about my situation in private in January, we were not filming the show, and I had not anticipated her bringing it up on camera and then therefore making my situation more dangerous," she said. "I felt completely betrayed. For me, admitting that I was being abused on national television was a step that I never thought any of my friends would take, especially after I confided with them in private, and I had taken up for her against her situation with Kelsey. I just didn't think it would ever happen, and I was so stunned by it and felt so betrayed that I couldn't get past it. And I was scared."
Now watching the show months later, Taylor says she has gained a new perspective on how her fellow castmates reacted to her struggles in her marriage.
"I completely understand their position, it is very confusing," she said. "It's been horrifying to watch [myself]. I mean I really see a woman who is out of control, a woman who is terrified, somebody who is clearly about to go off the deep end. And I'm just thankful to be here with my daughter and that I'm getting healthier every day and that I'm able to be sitting here with you as opposed to a more dire circumstance."
Taylor also admitted to how difficult the situation has been for her 5-year-old daughter, who was with her with she discovered her husband's body.
"We each have good days and bad days, but we have amazing friends and loved ones around us," she said. "So we talk about it a lot, she doesn't understand exactly what happened... It hasn't been easy."
She also talked about her new memoir
, due to release in February, and what she expects to achieve with its publication.
"The cycle of violence and domestic violence is so hard to understand," she said. "And I wanted people to see me for who I really am and to understand that this started at a very young age for me. And that I ended up in this situation because of my own flaws and my own securities and not because someone did this to me."Gina PusateriContributing Writer(Image courtesy of Bravo)