Oh, Michael Buble, get off my TV so I can see the TRUE meaning of Christmas: a Battle of the Ages Biggest Loser marathon! We got to look back on the Final Four's respective journeys so far, and now they're all going home. Everyone is proud and happy and feels better than ever. Boring. Get to the marathon!

Vinny planned a special homecoming for himself: a concert with his band, "Trailer Choir." I'll admit, I teared up a little when Vinny came out and everyone screamed for him. Come on, the song was about loving yourself first! Everyone gave motivational speeches and it was very motivational.

Then they all turn on their TV's and Bob is there doing impressions of them! Well, that was the case for Vinny. Like you don't have a southern accent, Bob! Then their trainers introduced them to ... THEMSELVES, but fat themselves. Then they watched their journeys, and we re-watched them.

Vinny confronted his mom about why she let her husband abuse her and her kids. She told him that she doesn't know why but she hates herself. Hope you feel better now, Vinny, because I'm pretty sure you made your mom feel terrible.

I know that so far the recap is pretty focused on Vinny, but everyone else's storyline is pretty mundane. I mean, give me a break, Vinny just proposed to his girlfriend!! He is really doing this hometown thing right.

Watch Vinny's proposal again:



Antone took his family to the gym, and then probably Subway. But not before benchpressing his children! Each and every one. Then Bob went to visit his contestants. He started with Vinny, and noted that Vinny's brother, Shane, is overweight, or as Bob would put it, "struggling." Shane told Bob that he would like to be healthy, but he might have just been putting him on.

Dolvett goes to visit John to make sure he hasn't been slipping (as Bob predicted he would). John tells Dolvett that his wife has been doing his laundry and cooking for him. He also says, "my office is the gym ... thanks to my wife." Dolvett acknowledges that this is a terrible strategy both for John and for the marriage. This guy is end-gaming and he doesn't have a problem with it. Dolvett also fears that John will gain it all back after the finale.

Anna was too busy/famous/fired to visit Becky, so Bob visits her instead. Becky went back to work like a normal person. Then Bob visited Antone at a football stadium. Is Anna just gone now, though? John just said he's up against the entire black team, "It's John v Black Team." What about blue? When did we cut Anna out of the picture and why do I suddenly care so much?

Seriously, Anna was in Becky's video, and now Becky is wearing a black shirt and Bob is working out with her.

Finally, everyone is back in grey shirts with their ages on them and walking through the desert. Do you think one of these guys will win the marathon, or will it be one of the eliminated contestants? It will probably be one of the final four.

But here are eleven eliminated players! We're missing some, right? I bet Debbie, who was eliminated first, was like, "I'm not running a marathon, are you kidding?"

But she wasn't! She showed up! So did that guy in his porkpie hat (Boston Johnny)! That's his thing now, he's going to wear it the whole time. Everyone looks so good. I want Ramon to win it. Or just any eliminated contestant. Walgreens has donated $25,000 to whoever wins this marathon, so some idiot is going to try to sprint the whole way. Look how good Courtney looks!

Bonnie showed up, but she's sitting out the marathon because she's having knee surgery always. Too bad, Bonnie really had a shot at a spot in the Final 3.

The marathon will give everyone, eliminated and not eliminated alike, plenty of time to reflect on their lives before they lost the weight. And we will have to see all of it. Is this marathon taking place in real time?

Courtney isn't really pacing herself, and Boston Johnny is still crazy. Ramon and Jessica have trained together and are still dating. It looks like the young people are in the lead for the first stretch.

Oh, Anna is back! She's cheering on her former teammates and running with them, just like Bob and Dolvett. Dolvett ran with Courtney for a while, but Bob is focusing on his show ponies. Joe and Sunny walk with Anna for a while, thanking her for her contribution to their lives and The Biggest Loser, which she will never be on again. Bring back Cara!

Bob runs with Jennifer, who breaks down and can barely cry and run at the same time.

"We all have it in us," says Boston Johnny, who isn't even on the marathon course anymore, just running wherever the wind takes him. I'm surprised his hat hasn't blown off at that velocity! Aww, that was mean. I'd like to see me run a marathon! No, I wouldn't.

Jessica's stomach starts hurting, and she says she has to slow down. "Go on without me, Ramon, before I crap myself!" She didn't say that, but she was thinking it. Just before Mile 10, the contestants are starting to feel it. Courtney is slowing down in the sand, and Ramon is keeping his pace. He passes her. He's so darn positive, that Ramon.

This marathon is different from the original desert mile. Remember when they all went back to get Bonnie? Not this time. Anchors must be dropped and weak links cut. Joe gets left in the dust by his former teammates. This marathon is all about Ramon and Courtney right now anyway.

The wind starts to pick up and blow dust and sand in everyone's faces. Worst marathon ever! Why can't they run it all on pavement like a normal marathon! This doesn't have to be as close as possible to the actual run that that first guy in Greece made.

John sees people slowing down, meaning he can pass them. He sees them as little dollar signs, and John is really starting to scare me. He passes Jessica and moves into 3rd place. What is Dr. Huizenga doing here? Just here to Huizenga everyone. He pulls Vinny out of the race 6 miles early.

"I'm concerned about the condition of some of the other contestants as well," Dr. Huizenga says. Oh my god, get out of here you giant bummer. Wearing jeans to a marathon, give me a break. You're not fooling anyone with that sporty shirt and visor, Huizenga! He asks to pull Joe, who says absolutely not.

"This would show how tough you are but could potentially ... injure a joint?" Dr. Huizenga tells Joe. Joe cries, telling Dr. H he "just wanted to finish." Man, that's so sad. Boooooo Dr. BUZZKILL. He loads Joe into the big black van and moves on to his next victim.

Ramon reaches Mile 26, still in the lead and still having beat diabetes. Just as he said he would, Ramon wins the marathon, a spot in the finale, and $25,000. He's back in it. Too bad for Courtney, who came in second, but we didn't know her as well and wanted Ramon to win.

Can anyone explain why you put a blanket around someone who just finished a marathon? I want a blanket! John finishes in third place, refusing his blanket. Jessica takes fourth and Patrick gets fifth. They all get some money, too! I'm just so glad John didn't win first.

Coach finished the marathon, too! He didn't get pulled out by Dr. Huizenga. The sun set on Boston Johnny and Debbie, and Anna ran back to get them. Do you think everyone was upset that they had to hang out and wait for those two at the finish line? Probably not.

Late, late, late into the night, it's time for the final weigh-in. Ramon is the only person who's safe. He's wearing blue and Anna is there high-fiving him, but seriously, why is Becky in black now? Did she end up on the black team and I just forgot? She must have, I just don't remember when that happened.

Becky lost 10 pounds, because she went back to work. Vinny's job used to be mostly goofing off, so he lost 28 pounds. I really hate Bob's haircut. John's wife helped him lose 29 pounds, making him a finalist. But will he gain it all back? Does it even matter after the finale? (Yes, it does, but not to a lot of us watching!) Bob says something a little snide, which provokes John.

"I'm not going to be happy until I'm pulling confetti out of my hair," John says angrily. He then offers to go toe-to-toe with anybody. What? OK. What a dick. Becky falls below the red line and is eliminated. So will it be Antone or Vinny joining Ramon in the finals?

It will be Antone, who lost 30 pounds. "It's game on," Antone says, ready to take Bob's new-found hatred for John and use it to his advantage.

So John, Ramon, and  are in the finals. It might be John who wins the whole thing but who will win at heart? Who will win at scaring me the least? Not John! I wouldn't mind seeing Vinny win the at-home prize. Or a girl, since it's just a bunch of big dudes up there!

It's just the beginning for Vinny. He's lost so much weight he can now fit into the Corvette he's always wanted to drive. Watch:



Who do you want to win? Are you upset that "America" doesn't get a vote this time? How do you hope Ramon proposes to Jessica? I hope that before he weighs in, he says, "I've got one more thing weighing me down before I get on that scale," and he is referring to the giant Neil Lane diamond he has for Jessica.

(images courtesy of NBC)