Last night's episode of The Bachelorette
was the best ever. Like, they might as well just shut the whole thing down now, because it will never get any better than that two-hour horror-and-delight-mixed-together-in-a-delicious-schadenfreude-cocktail. It's now the morning after, and I am STILL drunk on the potency of Kasey's terrible, terrible decisions.
So, before the hangover kicks in and this show gets back to being about looooove
, let's recap week 4 of The Bachelorette
6 with Ali Fedotowsky, the episode henceforth to be known as Mike Fleiss's Magnum Opus of Uncomfortable.
But first: let's avoid redundancy, yes? Last night I spilled my gleeful beans about the highs and lows of the episode in my wee recap, Bachelorette-Bites: Do They Give Out Emmys for Awkwardness?
So be sure to read that, but only if you enjoy having FUN. Now, it's time for a different sort of recap. In honor of the poor, helpless, pathetic and hilarious fallen weatherman, in this recap we are going to play a little game called, "And how did that make Jonathan feel
And the game starts ... now.
To kick off the episode, Chris Harrison surprised the remaining 11 men by telling them that for the rest of the season, they'd be traveling the world to fall in love with Ali. First stop: New York City. The Big Apple! The city that never sleeps! And the home of Jonathan's favorite: BroooOOOOAAAAAAD-WAAAAAAY! [Cue squeals, high kicks and jazz hands.]And Jonathan felt like this:
OMGeeeeeene Kelly!Date #1: Kasey
First, Ali, who is so sloppy and terrible-looking usually, what with all her Bachelorette
stylists and make-up artists just half-assing it at every turn*, has to get an essential InStyle
makeover. After getting dolled up and dressed up (and looking exactly the same as before) and then spending hours on sets in front of various expensive photographers just for fun,
they surprise her by revealing that the photos will actually be IN InStyle
magazine in July. Surpriiiiise!**
* Of course I am being sarcastic. Don't even ask. We would all be so lucky to look like Ali, and anyone who criticizes the looks of this beautiful young woman is clearly not focusing on the right things in this show, and those things are these people's terrible BRAINS!
After learning that he would not get a one-on-one date with Ali, Jonathan was no longer so excited about New York City after all, and he felt like this:
It's time for Ali's helicopter date with Kasey, who is SO excited to see her that he might actually break out in hyperbole-hives: "I use the word imaginary because you can't really fantasize how good she looks."
Apparently Kasey has been saying these things a lot around the house, because Chris L. is able to hit Kasey's nail on the head so hard that I have nothing to add, so let's just go verbatim:
"I think Kasey closes his eyes and thinks of Ali and thinks of, like,
doves flying out behind her. Cupid hitting her with an arrow.
You know, like, hearts floating around her head, in a meadow, magically
running toward each other with unicorns."
You know, immature, delusional, fictional and over-romanticized love! Okay, maybe I do
have something to add: I get what you are saying, Chris (that Kasey is Krazy), but also: have you SEEN the show that you are on? He who lives in a constantly monitored, highly orchestrated glass house of fake feelings and extra-large hot tubs shall not throw stones, or something.
But back to Kasey:
Ali, you don't even know what "crazy" MEANS yet. But you will. Starting ... now.
After getting off the helicopter, laying out a blanket and drinking some champagne, Kasey breaks out into improvisational pop ballad
for Ali. And it is AMAZING:
: When I was flying in the helicopter, over this amazing citaaaaaaay, I looked to my left, I never saw something so prettaaaaaay.Ali
: Heh. Heh. [Reaches for emergency eject button that doesn't exist.]Kasey
the end of tonight, I'm not just your average Joooooe. But I hope in my
hindsight, I'll see and find a rooooooose.
: Yeah. That's pretty intense stuff.And Jonathan, mirroring my own emotions, felt like this:
Later, at the American Museum of Natural History, Kasey grunts at the stuffed monkeys (to impress Ali, of course) and repeats over and over how he wants to "guard and protect Ali's heart" like he has some sort of weird Tourette's Syndrome where instead of swearing you compulsively say vomit-inducing pick-up lines. "It's just my heart. Jump in. Stay a while." -- THAT IS A THING HE ACTUALLY SAID. And, in a surprise twist, the world didn't collapse or anything.
Then Kasey breaks out into song AGAIN. His stunned muse can see that he is trying so super-duper, pathetically hard, but just isn't buying what this Backstreet Boy is selling, so Kasey goes home roseless.
Was it something I said/did/embodied/am? All of the above?
But he doesn't go all the way home. Instead, in what I think *may* be a Bachelorette
first, Ali offers Kasey a do-over, and he has until the end of the week to show Ali his "genuine" side.
And, in a dark production room somewhere in downtown Los Angeles, the Bachelorette
story-editors all high-five each other, and everyone in the Bachelorette
casting department gets a raise and a pony. A job well-done, all around!Date #2: Group Date with Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank and Ty
Ali takes the guys to "The Lion King" on Broadway, and they get to sing and dance for her. And Jonathan felt like this:
Finally, all that dancing and singing I do alone in my weatherman dressing room is going to pay off!
Then this show starts its "Oh, no big deal, just a bunch of cool dudes in spandex having a good time, dancing to a Disney soundtrack and making a t-shirt rainbow" montage:
Raise the roof!
Roberto is the only guy smart enough to realize that when he's asked to sing "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" no one is asking him to audition for a real
role in an actual Broadway show, they are just trying to stage a romantic moment between him and Ali, so he actually sings to her. Meanwhile, Ty (the SINGER) is upstaged by Hot Jesse, who can sing better, and Jonathan kicks himself in his spandex-clad behind for not having the sense to sing to Ali, and says it's like a "BEEHIVE FULL OF KNIVES" to watch Roberto, the winner of the challenge, rehearse for his brief "Lion King" bit with Ali.And Jonathan felt like this:
Later, at the Lion King "wrap party," (haha, this show and its feigned professionalism!) Ali is feeling extremely sick (still think it's cheese-poisoning from Kasey), but every guy but Kirk is more concerned with how he's
feeling emotionally, so they let her drag around from guy to guy until Kirk finally carries her off to bed and wins a flu-infested kiss as his reward. And, seeing that he'd once again ruined another opportunity to show Ali his best self (I think we'd all love to see what that
looks like), Jonathan's self-hatred hits a new level. And he felt like this:
Today's forecast: DESPAIR.NEXT>> Date #3, Kasey Goes Even Krazier and the Rose Ceremony