'Bachelorette-Bites': Istan-Bull$#!*
'Bachelorette-Bites': Istan-Bull$#!*
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
This week on The Bachelorette, Ali took the seven remaining guys to Istanbul, Turkey, where the usual happened (dates, make-outs, someone got sent home without a rose). But that's not the real story of the night. The real story is WHOA, HOW BIG OF A JERK IS JUSTIN? The biggest and the jerkiest, it turns out! (As if having a career as an "entertainment wrestler" didn't give that away in the beginning, and that his perma-smug-face didn't give it away every minute after that.) But Ali needed convincing, and boy, did she get it.

This edition of Bachelorette-Bites is dedicated to the country of Canada. I'm sorry that this guy is your native son, and I promise to not hold it against you:

justin-cast-runningaway.jpg
RUN HOBBLE AWAY! RUN HOBBLE AWAAAAAY!

Don't worry, Canada! We still owe you big time for Michael J. Fox.

This Just-In: Justin is a Jerk
Anyway, here's the run-down, written in the style of a teen girl gossip session, because that is what this feels like: Jessie Sulidis (reject from Jake's Bachelor season, who has nothing to do with anything except that she's Canadian) calls Chris Harrison and tells him that Justin has a girlfriend, and Chris is like, "NO WAY! THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!" So Chris Harrison tells Ali to call Jessie, and Ali is all, "Whaaa? Why? OK." And so Ali calls Jessie, who puts her on the phone with Justin's girlfriend of two years, Jessica, who instantly starts crying as she sobs to Ali about how Justin convinced her that he should go on The Bachelorette for his wrestling career, so she "helped him buy his suits and helped him take his headshots" (What a good girlfriend!) as he plotted the pick-up lines that would get him into the top three, because "once you're in the top three, people remember you." And that is the plan that these two lovebirds went with. (What a great life plan!)

But then once he was gone, Jessica realized, OH YEAH, he might actually fall for some other woman, and the other woman might fall for him. Because that is the point of the show. Oops! Every brilliant plan has a FATAL FLAW. (In this case, it is Justin and Jessica's brains.) Other important information: Justin told Jessica that as soon as he got back, all shiny and new and famous, they'd get married. And, OH YEAH AGAIN, she also found out he had another girlfriend. And he had been "sneaking phone calls" to Jessica the whole time he was on The Bachelorette to profess his undying douchebaggery. I mean love.

Ali Bodyslams Justin ... with Her Words
So Ali goes down to confront Justin. She tells him and the rest of the guys what just happened, and Justin jumps up, grabs his valuables, and books it out of there with only so much as a "F*** you, straight up" to Chris Harrison. OH NO HE DIDN'T! Nobody puts Chris Harrison in a corner. Ali chases after Justin, telling him to "talk like a man," and after cripple-hopping through the bushes in search of an exit, to no avail, he finally agrees to sit down and talk to Ali about his lies.

rated-r-caughtinalie.jpg Grandma is not going to like this.

He stammers his way through an explanation that Jessica is his "best friend" and that he recently realized that he is into her and not Ali. He denies having another girlfriend or plotting to use Ali and the show for fame, but when she asks him to call Jessica a liar, he won't do it. And that's when Ali slams down her righteous speech of JUSTICE: "I came here to find a husband, and you're f***ing with that. It's unspeakable what you've done. Not only to me, but to her. You could have owned up like a man and left here with a little bit of honor and a little bit of integrity." And with that, Rated R makes his exit, and we watch him hobble away while the masterful Bachelorette editors play his voice mails to Jessica in the background.

justin-girlfriend-voicemail.jpgHey, Justin: YOU JUST GOT TIGER WOODS'ED!

Those Other 110 Minutes:
In the rest of this week's episode, Ali takes Ty and Frank on one-on-one dates in Istanbul, and gives them both roses. Craig, Roberto, Chris and Kirk go on a group date where they olive oil wrestle some beefy Turkish dudes, and for his brawn, Craig wins some coveted one-on-one time with Ali. But in the end it didn't matter: The Bachelorette feels so strongly that she and Craig lack a romantic connection that she cancels the weekly cocktail party and boots him at the Rose Ceremony ahead of schedule.

Tomorrow: Be sure to check back for the full recap of tonight's episode, in which we will actually get into those three dates! Until then:

What are your thoughts on this whole Justin situation? Are we naive to think that the other guys aren't also on the show to become famous--and thus being extremely hard on Justin just because his intentions, which could very well be the same intentions as many people on The Bachelor, got thrown out in the open and ruined our fantasy that this show is about love? I mean, granted, the whole thing with his having two secret girlfriends and manipulating Ali's emotions is straight-up terrible. But, in the end, didn't he prove that the show isn't about love by the way that he so easily was able to "trick" the producers into letting him on the show? And of course he didn't trick them--they knew all along that he'd be trouble. Because if this guy got vetted by a group of producers and then they stamped his file as "QUALITY MATCH," then I am a THREE-TOED SLOTH. So, in the end, isn't it The Bachelorette and its quest for drama and ratings who used Justin (and hurt Ali), and not the other way around?

I think my suspension of disbelief just exploded! So chew on that tonight, my Bachelorette babies! I'll see you back here tomorrow for the recap.

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