Meeting your significant other's parents can be stressful. The small talk, the smiling, the straddling of the thin line between "being yourself" and coming across as a "total weirdo." (Oh, just me? OK then.) Now, imagine doing it four times in the course of a week, with four different families who all know you're two-timing (or more like four-timing) their beloved baby boy, and have been dumping dudes left and right for several weeks, and might dump their son next. And doing it all on national television. FUN!
I guess what I'm saying is that I can see why Ali had a drink in her hand for almost the entirety of tonight's Bachelorette episode.
Now it's time for the high and low points of tonight's episode, which the show conveniently broke up into the first and second hours of the episode! "Save the worst for last!" That's ABC's motto.
Highpoint #1: Roberto in Tampa, FL
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Teach me, I'm a GIRL!
Ali got to see Roberto in baseball pants, and meet his darling father (a proud papa who told Roberto "You're a big prize, in my mind") and his ageless mother (seriously, she looks like Roberto's SISTER--though that would be confusing, since they're both named Olga). They salsa danced the night away while Ali's eyes were still gleaming from the glitter of Roberto's 8 million baseball trophies. Even though she didn't answer his dad's questions all that well or specifically (In regards to what she liked about Roberto when they first met: "When you meet someone, you just get that feeling."), Ali still got Roberto Sr.'s blessing, and, more importantly, an original Roberto baseball card to keep if they get married or sell on eBay to one of his many obsessive viewer-fans if they don't.Highpoint #2: Chris in Cape Cod
Let's pretend we're old.
Ali then traveled to Cape Cod, Massachusetts, where she got to meet the most important member of Chris's family--his adorable black lab, Jetty! Just kidding, but also dead serious. A guy with a black lab is the best guy. After ruining a cute (and probably free, so who cares?) pair of brown leather boots on the beach, Ali met his family, who blended their reality ("love") with hers ("wine"). Ali's dad said such adorable and poignant things about love and loss that he even cracked the armor on my cold, dead, two-sizes-too-small reality TV blogger's heart. Then Chris took Ali up to his tower (seriously) like the prince he is for a little televised make-out session. I don't know why he has a tower in his driveway, but I know thousands of women who would now do just about anything to let down their hair from it.Lowpoint #1: Kirk in Greenbay, WI
Listen. I'm all for people finding their passions in life, especially age-old passions that require dedication and practice and attention to detail, and exercising those passions in their private basements however and whenever they please, and I deeply respect people who devote so much time, money and energy to what makes them happy in life, but still ... YIKES. Showing your TV girlfriend your dad's underground taxidermy workshop isn't the best call. In fact, it might be the opposite of best call. Because even after she discovers that he's a sweet, caring man, literally ANYTHING he says can be then skewed into taxidermy talk: "He always told me, there isn't much sense bringing them home if they're not that special." (SPECIAL ENOUGH TO STUFF?) "I'd like to have her around all the time." (IMMORTALIZED ON YOUR WALL?) And so forth. Kirk's other family members were sweet, welcoming, lovely women, but the damage was done. And it's a shame, too, because Kirk was my favorite. Like his father's special friends, he may be gone, but he will never be forgotten.Lowpoint #2: Frank in Chicago, IL
Mr. Cool-Shirt-Guy over here
I would say "GO HOME, FRANK!" but he's already there. Frank is not just the lowest of the low points of tonight's episode, but he is the lowpoint of the entire season, as far as I'm concerned. I have had ENOUGH of him. My brain has Frank-poisoning and is threatening to strike if Ali does not wake up and get rid of his self-pitying goblin-face ASAP. Unfortunately, disgust-waves only travel one direction through the television, so Ali didn't get my message AGAIN tonight, and kept raving on and on about how "easy-going" and "funny" Frank is, even as he spent the entire time in Chicago complaining about his personal anguish and saying profoundly stupid things like, "I want to know once and for all
if Ali and I can fall in love and spend our lives together." His family is warm and welcoming and funny, and Ali felt she fits right in--which she did. Unfortunately, to become a part of this family tree, she'd have to attach herself to the one warped branch.Until tomorrow' recap, tell me:
- What did you think of tonight's hometown visits?
- Sad to see Kirk go?
- Are you a bigger Frank fan than I am ... and why?
- Which guy won your heart more: Roberto or Chris?