In a very special episode of "Dear Lord, my eyes!," the folks over at Gawker have brought us a savory one and-a-half minute snippet from a 30-minute sex tape featuring everyone's favorite platinum fringe-tressed wrestler, Hulk Hogan, and an as yet unidentified brunette.
Anyone who's seen the Hulkster do his thing in the ring knows that clothing simply bursts off his body at the slightest provocation, so really, this might not be too surprising to some. What is surprising about the tape, however, is just how laissez-faire the man is about doing the deed. Although Hogan maintains that he was taped without his knowledge, the fact that there is a man's voice behind the camera instructing the couple to "do your thing" while he goes to chill out in the office for a while might shed a little doubt on that assertion. And besides ... ick. Way to make it creepy, Hulk. But I guess since mystery lady insists that she did the deed with Unidentified Male Voice earlier in the day makes it okay right? No?
In the last few years, we've seen our fair share of celebrity sex tapes leaked to the public, but scarcely has there been one that looks more more like the footage of a convenience store robbery than this unexpected comedy gem. The grainy black and white footage and up-and-above long shot makes it difficult to pick out much more than the glow of Hogan's bare, hypnotically luminescent glutes as they bob from bedside to missionary, but thankfully it doesn't dull any of of the Mensa quality repartee between our featured sexual jousters.
"I can't believe I ate like a pig, like, 10 minutes ago," quips wrestling's poet laureate, "I feel like I just got off a f%#king rollercoaster!" Well said, sir. Toastmasters has nothing on you, my friend.
If that doesn't get your motor running, perhaps you'd like to be treated to a few minutes of a 59-year-old man fumbling to put on white tube socks while explaining that his son's girlfriend's twin sister wants to get with him after his divorce. Or, maybe the sweet parting pillow talk -- "Be cool. You're awesome." -- will do the trick for you?
Hulk Hogan, my man, welcome to the pantheon of ridiculous sex tapes.It feels like there's been a seat waiting for you here all along.
(Image courtesy of VH1)