This week on the season 4 premiere of Pretty Little Liars,
several mysteries are almost solved, but don't worry because we still end up with way more questions left unanswered. Meanwhile, a death brings all of Rosewood together, 'A' sets sight on a new target and coins a new catchphrase (Kisses!), and Mona declares her love for Hanna multiple times.
On Pretty Little Liars, the ultimate way to show someone you love them is to give them evidence to destroy. "Now do you want to get some roses for Valentine's Day or are you going to go with the traditional Rosewood gift of incriminating murder weapons to burn?" Also, this episodes officially cements Liars status as the gayest show on TV, out gaying pretty much everything on both Bravo and Logo.
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Here's a great example to sum up the show: one minute, you're watching the beautiful love story of Paige and Emily as they plan for college, and the next moment Toby is driving a Winnebago filled with surveillance footage, the severed head of the clown from Stephen King's IT and a dead-eyed baby doll just casually tossed on the front dash. If there's a more perfect encapsulation of this show, I'm not sure what it is.
Now that someone else is behind the wheel of the new 'A' lair , both literally and metaphorically, there's really no telling what will happen next. The show is only getting more complicated and more twisted as characters move on and off the chessboard.
So it's important that the show doesn't stop developing the characters in the midst of the madness. To keep this insane show grounded, they need to continue charting the characters' emotional journeys between the many "OMG" moments. We get some of that this week, as Hanna wonders if she can trust Mona again, and we glimpse briefly into Toby's complicated past.
Okay, first things first: Pretty Little Liars picks up right where it left off with the girls opening the trunk and gasping in shock. Why? Because inside is a dead ... pig.
Well played, Pretty Little Liars, I have to admit I didn't see that one coming. I had a lot of theories for who was in the trunk, and I have to be honest, none of them ended with Babe. That'll do, pig. That'll do.
Later, we find out the pig was a symbol for Wilden, who shows up in the middle of the street very much dead. But who killed Wilden? And more important, who killed Babe?! What did that pig ever do to 'A'?
Covered in ash and soot from the fire that nearly killed them all, the girls gather to play a round of 20 questions with Mona.
So, some answers: she has no idea what she talked to CeCe about, since it was before she got on her new meds. She recruited Toby to the original 'A' Team when he went to work in Bucks County. (They should use that in Bucks tourism ads: come to Bucks for our beautiful fall foliage, stay to be blackmailed by a psychopath!) And Lucas gave Emily her very creepy massage.
Who is Shana? Mona doesn't know, but she thinks she's in love and in league with Jenna. And both girls are apparently afraid of Melissa.
Which makes sense because, according to Mona, Melissa was the other Queen of Hearts
. Both Wilden and (according to Mona) Melissa were in the Queen of Hearts costume trying to kill Aria the night of the Halloween train, while Mona was just trying to score with Hanna.
Of course we don't see Melissa's face, because just as the second figure goes to take off the mask, Mona's computer is hacked. Convenient?
Is Mona an Official Liar Now?
When they wake up the next morning, Mona is gone. Aria thinks they've been drugged, being the resident expert out of the liars on being drugged. I hope at some point someone tries to drug Aria and nothing happens, because she's built up such a resistance from being locked in basements and nailed into wooden crates.
Sitting in Mona's mobile creep van, they hear the blood curling sound of some little kids saying all of their names. Outside, they see little versions of themselves
playing with dolls. Little Aria, who is dressed in something I could totally see full-grown Aria wearing tomorrow, explains they got their creepy My American Horror Story
Girl Dolls from "Alison."
What I like is A's commitment to being really creepy in a way that is so elaborate you have to wonder if the payoff is really worth it. She had to find a bunch of kids that looked just like the liars, get a bunch of look-alike dolls made and then make sure they played within earshot. "Was your friend Alison lying when she said this would help us get our SAG card?" mini Spencer wonders.
Meanwhile, Hanna decides to play some mind games with Mona, which is a bold move considering Hanna is only really good at sinking cars in lakes unsuccessfully. You had one job, Hanna! But Mona has the hard drive with the evidence implicating Ashley, so Hanna tells a skeptical Emily that she's going to keep her friends close and "her enemies closer." Somewhere in the distance, Mona gets a lady boner.
The two go shopping ,and there is much talk of how much Mona loved Hanna once and, despite the fact that Paige and Emily, like, straight-up makeout in sexy outfits, it is still the gayest moment of the episode. Mona gives Hanna back the implicating evidence and softly sings Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You," while Hanna wonders if Mona is just messing with her again.
But it looks like Mona might really be on Team Liar, at least out of default. Not only is she getting all the mean 'A' texts, but 'A' now has a doll of Mona to add to the liar collection. Hilariously, Mona's doll seems to have on a lot of evil eye makeup and a black hoodie.
At the end of the episode, they all get a text so they can read in unison. Because how else are you supposed to read text messages, am I right? "The truth won't set you free, bitches. I'm going to bury you with it. Kisses -- A," they all say at once. And A sends along another little present: a video of all the girls poking around the police car and then speeding away.
PLL Season 4 Spoilers: Answers about Alison and Relationship Status Updates >>>
Ezra's Off to Jail?
In perhaps the least interesting yet funniest storyline of the episode, Aria and Ezra find it hard to deal with life post break-up. You see, Ezra got offered a full-time teaching job at Rosewood High and accepted on account of the fact that he is a baby daddy now.
Aria, for the first time in her entire life, starts to realize this might turn into a weird situation. But then the next day, she's shooting him the sexy eyes from across the quad under the Vice Principal's disapproving glare.
Her outfit, meanwhile, looks like something she stole from one of the members of Duck Dynasty. Is duck hunting where she gets all the feathered earrings? Does Aria think camouflage will make it easier for her and Ezra to obviously make out in the hallways? "Ezra, they'll never see us now! I blend in with my surroundings!"
In one of the best, funniest and weirdest moments of the episode, Aria imagines the Vice Principal finding out about all her sexy times with Ezra and sending him straight to jail.
I'm shocked because no one ever gets in trouble for their age-inappropriate relationships on this show. Rosewood is practically Sudden Valley when it comes to dating the under-aged. (If anyone gets that reference, I will die of shock.)
So Aria, getting a taste of what Ezra's future might look like if she continues to send him the camo bedroom eyes, officially breaks it off with him again through text. That's almost as harsh as when she called him Mr. Fitz earlier in the episode.
New Mysteries Begin...
A Pretty Little Liars episode without mysteries would be like a day in Rosewood without a murder: unthinkable! So what are some of the new mysteries we'll be (hopefully) uncovering this season?
-- There's a new sheriff in town, and he's super hot and very curious what is up with these four girls who seem to show up at every weird occurrence in Rosewood. He tells them he's there to find out the truth, but when has the truth ever helped anyone in Rosewood? Plus, is it just me or does the new detective look like a young Christian Bale?
-- Toby is receiving some mysterious text messages from 'A' about his mother. In a flashback, we see Toby and Alison nearly kiss, until his disheveled mom comes in the room and Alison insults her. But what really happened to his mom and how did she die? Toby wants answers, so he drops off Mona's van of nightmares in the woods for 'A' to set up shop.
-- Alison's mother is back and looks like she's on a whole fistful of uppers. Every sentence she says seems to end with an exclamation point. She's fine! Jason's fine! Grandma smells funny! Hey, would it be cool if I just stared into your window at night, Spencer, and watched you sleep!? Great!" Why is she back and what is she hiding?
-- Speaking of crazy people back in town, Jenna is back and so are her sunglasses. Jenna points out to Emily that everyone who saw Alison the night she died is turning up dead, while Emily notices the burn on Jenna's arm. "Oh, this old thing? I got that while trying to fry you to a crisp! I'm so clumsy sometimes when I'm trying to incinerate classmates. Probably shouldn't put the half-blind girl in charge of starting fires!"
-- Why is 'A' after Ashley Marin? Is it because she is the best mom of all time? Is it because she will literally run you over with her car if you talk smack about her daughter? Maybe 'A' is really the spirit of that little old lady whose money ended up in the lasagna boxes?
-- Someone shows up for the funeral with a black lace veil, like a classy Victorian grim reaper. No one but the liars seems to think this is really freaky behavior because in Rosewood, the funeral dress is decidedly "casual."
"Because I am in mourning, I will only show most of my boob, not all of it," Hanna nods to herself before picking her attire.
"Because I am in mourning, I will only bedazzle the top part of my dress as I wouldn't want the reflecting light from my chest area to blind the minister giving the eulogy," Aria tells herself wisely. Seriously, who dresses like that for a funeral?
At the episode's end, the woman takes off her veil to uncover ... a slightly charred mask. This town must have a pretty robust paper mache industry. "Rosewood: paper mache capital of the east coast! Need to make a head to sneak out of the mental ward? Paper mache! Need to hide your identity because you're a dead girl with impeccable taste in outerwear? Paper mache!"
What did you think of the season premiere? Were you shocked by the reveals? What do you think of the new mysteries? Sound off in the comments!
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(Image courtesy of ABC Family)