So How Will Damon Lindelof Deal With the Gulf Oil Spill? Movie Treatment!
So How Will Damon Lindelof Deal With the Gulf Oil Spill? Movie Treatment!
Let's begin with this: the Gulf oil spill -- the one thing neither BP nor the government can seem to decisively solve -- is serious matter. Oil gushing out from under the sea, drifting to the beaches, affecting wildlife and humans alike -- it is the biggest environmental disaster in recent memory.

So what does Lost executive producer Damon Lindelof do about it? Write a kooky movie treatment on Esquire!

Okay, okay, okay. You might say he's taking this disaster lightly, but I don't think he's doing that. "Having worked in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, he is deeply and profoundly affected by the spill in the Gulf and sickened by the tragedy on both an ecological and human level," a blurb below his blog post said. And while his satirical approach is quite weird, I think he's just outlining the absurdity of the situation -- absurd, because things can be done.

Just saying that, because some of the reaction I've seen so far were negative.

On to the treatment, then. The idea is this: if he had the chance to turn the Gulf oil spill into a film, it'd be a sequel to Armageddon. He calls it Armageddoner!

"What we need, ladies and gentlemen, is experience," Lindelof wrote. "Experts who know their way around an oil rig. But not just any roughnecks. No. For this crazy plan to work, we'll need men who have experience with space travel. Why? Because we're gonna reverse-Armageddon this sh-- and call it a sequel."

So, his idea, in bullet points:

There's a conspiracy.
Geologists, governments and oil companies have discovered that the Earth's core isn't molten rock but is, instead, oil. So, they tapped the oil for our sakes, and it's leaking out, and it can't be stopped, and when the core empties out, the world will collapse.

There's Billy Bob Thornton, drawn back into the action. A bit like Jack Bauer, eh? So he's retired, and life hasn't been kind to him, and the President (Jewish, Lindelof notes, preferably Dustin Hoffman) calls him because of his expertise. The plan: they should detonate a warhead on an asteroid that's conveniently passing by Earth, changing its course and sending it down to the Gulf, which will plug the leak. Yes, I know, it's as ridiculous as the frozen donkey wheel.

There's Bruce Willis... wait, he died in the movie, right?
"Willis wants to do it, even though he seems to have forgotten he died in the first one," Lindelof wrote. "If we want him, easy enough to say he's a twin brother or do some time travel thingamajob once they get into space." Makes sense.

And then what? Will he sell this treatment, hope to raise cash and donate that to the efforts to plug that leak in the Gulf? Or will he summon the Smoke Monster? That'd be freaky.

(Image courtesy of WENN/Nikki Nelson)