Good news, viewers -- this show will feature a bunch of people who either didn't make the show, or people you totally forgot about. Part of me hopes that Roseanne was in the editing room, ranking these jokes herself.
Tim Northern claims the 91st best joke, talking about Siamese Twins being joined at the hands. "They were unbeatable at Red Rover!"
The 80th Best Jokes
Chase Bernstein mentions getting a Groupon for the Holocaust Museum, which is good for people who want to pay their respects -- but not at full price. The 85th best is Tony Baker, telling the joke about his kid's gym membership request. (It was a pretty solid joke. Probably deserved to be somewhere in the 30 range.)
As a Lancaster resident, I'm looking forward to Ken Roberson's "Amish Country" joke, which rolls in at #83. He starts with mentioning it was a snowy day while he was traveling. "I come around the corner and see an Amish guy coming across the street going to his mailbox. And I think, well -- if I hit him, I'll be out of the state before anyone here gets to a phone." (For the record, Lancaster isn't solely Amish-based. Come visit!)
Shakir Standley talks about women on the subway selling churros. "These women are out there so much, that I'm convinced this is a profitable business venture," he says. "I'll tell you something. I want in." Judge Russell Peters thought he'd be more ironic about his set, which is probably why you haven't seen too much of Shakir Standley on the show this season.
Chloe Hilliard's fake Jewish upbringing is the 80th joke. Keep in mind that when it originally aired, I actually laughed out loud to a room that only occupied my cat -- so in my mind, it deserved to be ranked a bit higher.
Here's What Made The 70's And 60s
Pete Lee's joke about not being a manly man, based on his soft hands, is #75. Tim Harmston discusses how expensive having kids are. "If you don't have your own child, who is going to take care of you when you're really old?" he mocks. His response is that it'll be the super hot nurse he was able to hire, based on not having kids. Zing!
Keith Alberstadt takes on the 66th spot by making a joke about Alzheimers being a lot easier to cure if you can catch it, like a sexually transmitted disease. "Now, it burns when I think," he says.
Monroe Martin, who is still in the competition, talks about his high school in joke #61. Uh oh -- does this fare well for Monroe in the future? He's a funny guy, so hopefully his quasi-poor ranking won't mean much in the long run.
Brian Jian is an Asian man, who claims that his voice "doesn't match the video." His voice is definitely distinct, and would fit well in a movie trailer narration -- and the joke is the 60th best of the season.
We've Hit The 50's
Joe Machi has the 57th best joke, with "Do you guys notice that black people (long pause) ... and white people are the same?" I love this guy. I seriously do.
Kurt Metzger talks about the show My Strange Addiction and an episode about a girl who eats mattresses. "After I have sex, that's when I like to eat me some mattress!" she said. Can you imagine what that'd be like in person? It'd probably be terrible. Just absolutely terrible.
Our guy Rod Man is at #51, with his membership card joke. Even when it's already been told, the joke about only getting a long receipt is pretty darn funny. The infamous "Tell It To My Balls" joke from Deanne Smith falls in at #48. Randy Liedtke -- whom I loved -- is showcased next. He's just like a red-headed Zach Galifianakis.
Guy Branum, who is "large for a homosexual", is up next -- and I'm suddenly reminded about how bummed out I am that he won't be competing in the elusive Ellen-related competition next week. He was good! Come on, judges. What were you thinking?
Rolling To The 40's and 30's
Mike Lawrence tells his joke about The Lion King at #41. "Allow me to introduce you to my two sons -- Timothy, and Cleft Palate," he says, based on his disgust about how Scar was named.
Our girl Nikki Carr has the 39th joke, talking about how she was fired for nothing. Or -- sleeping. But, probably nothing. Alignon Mitra comes back at 37, talking about how when men flash, it's America's Most Wanted in comparison to Girl's Gone Wild.
Emily Galati is #30, talking about how Arizona has the most grandparents.
And Now? The Top 20
Rocky LaPorte's camping joke is at #28. "I don't want to sleep outside -- that's why I work!"
At 25 is Jimmy Shubert, talking about celery being a negative calorie food -- it takes more calories to digest it than it contains. "You could kill yourself eating celery," he jokes. Tim Northern is back at #21, joking about how he's rat poison intolerant --he learned this from a paramedic.
Zainab Johnson (tall pants!) is at #18, talking about how her ex boyfriend thought she was crazy. "I ain't crazy since I called the cops on him -- I'm crazy since I bailed him out the next day."
Tony Baker talks about game nights with his kids for the 16th best joke, and mentions how he smokes Newports while playing Monopoly to get into character. Erin Jackson is joke #13, with her joke about online dating. "I'm pretty sure I could have met this dude outside a liquor store for free," she says. Lachlan Patterson is next, with his joke about looking gay, and not being able to eat an ice cream cone the way he really wants to.
Are You Ready For The Top Ten?
Oh, I'm ready. Let's get this party started.
#10 - Nikki Carr knew that when she was a child, she would not grow up to be sexy. "I've been the same size since I was 7 years old."
#9 - Lachlan Patterson jokes about games for women. "If you screwed up, they'd just let you keep playing. But it'd never let you forget what you did wrong earlier."'
#8 - Tracey Ashley's Oprah joke. "Can you imagine Oprah on the Underground Railroad? If you look under your chaaiiirs! Freeedoom!"
#7 - Monroe Martin's take on foster care. "They take them out of that [abusive] enviroment, and place them right back in that environment."
#6 Rocky LaPorte's famous zoo rant. "They had a sign that said no smoking or eating. Who the hell is going to eat in the bathroom of a zoo?"
#5 - Mike Vecchione's discussion about his own ambitions. "There was a private detective school online. I paid online. I never heard from them again. I either got ripped off, or -- this was my first case."
#4 - Joe Machi, being preachy. "I ordered a pizza, and on the box, it said 9/11. Never forget. I think that's just what the terrorists would want. Being sad about that terrible day. And then I realized -- they forgot my breadsticks. How about never forgetting my breadsticks?"
#3 - Jimmy Shubert, discussing his plane woes when he saw a cat on his flight. "The cat has this little orange vest on it, that says therapy cat." Does this mean he could bring in a squirrel that'd be his drinking companion?
#2 - Rod Man's rant about self service. "Im a shopper. I came in as a shopper, I want to leave as a shopper."
#1 - Joe Machi! (Seriously -- can this guy just win already? I'm sure Ellen will adore him next week.) "I hate racism. That is why I think there's only one good use for the N word. That is for my bank password. Because I would never blurt that out to anyone. Even if I were being robbed by a black man. And he were to say, "Dude. Give me your password." I would be like, "I can't! I would turn this robbery into a homicide!"
Watch an all new Last Comic Standing next Thursday at 10pm!
(Image courtesy of NBC)