Last week, Ames and Jackie left,
the only two human beings to ever
escape the Bachelor Pad
happily, with dignity and completely in love.
Then the next day, we learned that he surprise-dumped her a couple weeks
with little or no explanation. Aaaaames! How could you?!
Maybe I'm being crazy, but it's almost like these people don't actually
care about each other as much as they say they do when they're on TV, you know?
Now that we've had our one slim shred of hope on this show stomped into
the ground, let's catch up with the horror beings who are still left in
the game: Blake and Melissa:
Melissa's "blood" (vodka) is boiling at Blake,
because he's been playing her for Holly. Blake is at least comforted by
knowing that Jake is more hated among the women than he is. Melissa goes
to Holly, whose rock-solid defense is, "I flirt with all the boys,
that's my nature!"
Apparently her "nature" was programmed by Mattel.
Even though she clearly still wants him, Holly tries to comfort the Crazy and
says, "Everyone's pissed at Blake."
Kasey and Vienna:
They're still completely focused on getting rid of
Jake, even while they share a romantic outdoor hoodie-hump by the pool.
I'm kind of looking forward to when Jake gets eliminated, because then
what will these two even talk about?! (Nosejobs, probably.)
The Challenge: Hell AND High Water
It's a synchronized swimming showdown! Wait, what? Oh, I see what's
happening: After two weeks of gross, grotesque, overly sexual and
emotionally scarring "challenges," this week Bachelor Pad
ITSELF to see if it can corrupt one of the most innocent and
adorable "sports" out there.
The men and women will need to learn and then perform a routine for a
group of judges. They'll be judged on technique, showmanship, crying/not crying, speedo bulge and
breast implant buoyancy. Synchronized swimming is all about teamwork
(hence the word SYNCHRONIZED). But because this show hates logic almost
as much as it hates cooperation, still only one man and one woman will win.
The two coaches immediately regret their decision to come to the wettest
part of a herpes jungle to train these spoiled, self-satisfied snake-babies in the art of swimnastics. But even ladies who prance underwater have to put food on their families. The girls' coach at
least makes her disdain obvious, calling her team a bunch of "broken, lazy
marionettes"! Which is awesome, because it's true even when the girls
are NOT swimming together! Under the tutelage of Michael
Stagliano, who teaches breakdancing for a living ("living"), the boys
get over their initial prancing embarrassment and get to work on becoming mermen for the day.
Shhhh, America. Let me be your private dancer.
Then we meet the judges: An actual synchronized swimmer whose name not
even Chris Harrison can pretend to care about, and Natalie and Dave from
season one, who were contractually obligated to be here, and know a lot
about swimming, because they've been swimming in an Olympic sized pool of unemployable irrelevance since their win last summer.
The Women's Routine:
Erica has the memory, but not the aquatic skills,
of a goldfish, and mainly just flops around confusedly. She is the
princess of my heart on these Monday nights, truly
. Michelle and Vienna seem
to be the only girls who retained any information from their training --
and, better yet, Michelle actually looks good in her swimcap, which is a
tasteful blue instead of the rainbow cupcake frosting tops the other
girls got. The other girls embarrass themselves by spreading their legs and flopping about, but they're used to that.
The Men's Routine:
It's to the same music as the women's routine was, OF COURSE.
This show is so lazy, it's like every challenge was thrown together by
four teenage summer camp counselors in an hour. (I bet if a challenge required a pirate ship for the contestants to ride in, it would be a large cardboard box with the words "SHIP, YARRR" painted on the front.) But you know who's NOT lazy?
Jake Pavelka. Oh boy, is he just trying SO HARD to be likable -- and luckily, synchronized swimming is a very forgiving sport when it comes to over-enthusiasm to the point of creepiness. But Jake has real competition in Michael,
who has the right mix of dance ability, enthusiasm and ab control for this challenge.
Routines finished, scores tallied, margin-doodles pretended to be actual notes -- the judges make their decisions. "Judges, thank you for being here. There's a lot on the line
," says Chris Harrison, professional exaggerator/giver of roses and suffering.
The Winners: Michael Stagliano
wins for the men, for the second week in a
row. Another victory for the good* guys! (*Relatively speaking.) For
her "dazzle razzle," Michelle Money
wins for the women! Vienna feels "cheated,"
because sheeee wanted to go on a date with Kaaaaseeeeey!
She goes to her room and cries to her diary about it. (JK! She's illiterate.)
The Passion of the Pavelka
In an inadvertent parody of his public image, Jake says that this is his last shot to win over some supporters, because
Vienna and Kasey will do anything to "get him off." (SIDENOTE: Please
tell me I'm not the only one who laughs when someone on this show says
about someone else on this show, "we have to
get him off!" Hahahahahandjobs. ) Luckily for Jake, BUT NOT FOR US, Erica wants to access Jake's large "package" (eww, gross)
that she got a glimpse of during the swimming competition, so the
princess promises to protect her plentifully penile pilot from punishment.
Kasey thinks he witnesses Vienna being "nice and cordial" to Jake, and that any conviviality between the ex-fiances will make them (Kasey and Vienna) "lose credibility" with the rest of the
house. So he confronts her IN FRONT of half the house and they have a
stupid, crying fight about it. Nothing solidifies your "credibility" like
screaming, "You want another public breakup on TV?" at your girlfriend
as she throws a pillow at your back and screams, "Stop being such a dick!"
Just kidding. They look so
ridiculous that even Melissa is like, "Oh my god you guys, this is so
petty! You love each other!" (Melissa doesn't know what love is. Melissa wants to know what love is, and she wants Blake to show her.
) Kasienna move
their fight to the laundry room so just a camera man and America can
overhear as this solid, committed couple who spend all day drinking by
the pool bicker like children over whose life is harder. "I'm living with the man who terrorized me!" "Well I'm living with YOU!"
It's a real stand-off, until Kasey wins the fight with this gem of a sentiment, maybe my favorite he's ever said:
"I get that you're in the house with your ex-fiance, and that he physically
and mentally abused you. That was a year ago. Get over it." - Kasey
Frogfriend of the Year
Michelle's Date: Wine Time (and S'mores! With Extra Graham)
She decides to take Graham, Blake and Kasey (oooOoOOooooh!) on her date
to a vineyard. Is it the same one where Jake Pavelka once shaved himself
on a barrel
? I have no idea, but YES.
Good Witch Michelle and her harem sit down to talk over some
Manipulation Merlot. Michelle tells Blake that he hurt Melissa (duh),
that it doesn't make him look good (double duh), and that he needs to fix it
(triple sow-duh!) ... or he's going home soon. Blake is reluctant to put on
his little boy prostitute pants again. Melissa is one scary john.
After dark, Michelle pulls Graham aside and tells him that she has a CRUSH on him, but she wants him to feel comfortable before they act on
any feelings, since he apparently just went through a bad breakup.
Micheeeeelle! How come you were so crazy on The Bachelor
and you're so
great now? It's cool though, because somehow remembering that time that
you threw an "It's my 30th birthday!" crying fit
just makes me love you
more today. We've grown so much, the two of us, side by side. Michelle and me, me and Michelle.
Anyway, Michelle and Graham make out a little bit, and then she gives
him her rose, and another kiss, as all around, Kasey's frog brethen ribbet their
approval of this auspicious union. Where once she was the villain of the same tale, tonight, Michelle mimics a different part of The Little Mermaid
Move over, pasties. There's a new power couple in town, and their hair is as ebony as their hearts. Graham and Money are about
to brunette your asses to the ground.
Michael's Date: Ride It, My Pony
Michael asks Vienna and Ella to go on his date because neither of them have been "out of
the house yet." COOL INVITATION! (If you're Emily Dickinson.) And, of course, he asks Holly again.
"It's an easy choice, game-wise. It's a really hard choice, personally,"
says Michael, who at least realizes that he is twisting the knife in
his own heart for the sake of the "game."
Their date starts with a horseback ride, which has the women squealing
with genuine joy. "Finally, I get to ride someone who LISTENS!" But the joy doesn't last, because Vienna annoys everyone with her
complaining, mannerisms and inherent personality.
Meanwhile, back at the PAD:
Blake calls Melissa a "shrew of a bitch"
behind her back, but then pulls her aside so he can pretend to be
interested in her again, so she won't convince all the women to "get him
off." (LOL, againnnnn?) His plan works -- sort of. Melissa forgives
him, but seems wary to get involved again. Dr. Blake needs to improve his bedside manner. And his brain.
Back on Michael's date:
While sitting/squinting on a bench together,
Michael says he misses Holly, and it's been so good to be around her
again. "Every time I look at you, you're so beautiful," he says on the
verge of tears. Acoustic Spanish guitar is the raft on which Michael's
heart flows down the river of emotion that springs forth from his soul.
Even though they have so many FEELINGS, deep down Holly
doesn't think that she and Mike should be together, because
"relationships aren't meant to be this hard." But there's one man who
might be able to change her mind. He whose love is heavy, common and
lifeless, like a rock -- a rock of love
, if you wi-- oh screw it, it's BRET MICHAELS
"You may have heard of me? From the side of my bus?"
But first, back at the PAD:
Kasey has been so busy guarding and
protecting Vienna's heart that he forgot to guard and protect his own
heart. Harnessing the power of the sun, he gathers his remaining strength to
destroy Jake -- the next big obstacle on his long, arduous path to
Then, in a moment of true, pure, high-grade grossness, Jake and Erica
finally embrace their (hours-long) sexual tension and gratuitously make
out. Their sticky slurping sounds, like two naked mole-rats wrestling in a tub of syrup, will haunt me until the end of days.
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE! - what it says on Jake's upper gums
"I definitely have great lips that I maintain with getting injections
every six months," says Erica, the gaping Self-Awareness Black Hole that she
is. Bless her Botox-injected heart.
Right. So. Back on Michael's date:
Bret Michaels is there. Because of course. It says "ROSES" in his band name, doesn't it?! (Nope, different band. It says "POISON" in his band name, and that's what this show is for our brains, isn't it?)
Holly and Michael get in the bus (#1 rule when you meet Bret
Michaels: Do NOT get in the bus!) and Holly tells him why she got
Michael's rose today: "We got engaged." Bret hilariously jumps the gun:
"Congratulations!" "...but then we broke up," she finishes. Being the
pinnacle of monogamous virtue and romantic intelligence that he is,
Bret gives Holly and Michael some love-life advice that, much as
I strained and focused, the firewall on my brain would NOT ALLOW me to
hear. Too dangerous; can't be too careful these days. But let me guess: It was something about listening to your heart
and never letting 'em see you wigless.
Bret says that he needs to "warm up" for his show tonight, so would they
mind if he just grabbed his guitar real quick and did a little bus
sesh of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" for them? No, of course not! Go right ahead, Bret
Michaels. You're the one who had a near-death last year -- if pretend-serenading a pair of "Who's thats?" on a summer reality show that isn't
about your own
search for love (on a bus) is how you
want to spend the precious remaining days of your life, then who are we to stop you?
RIP Bret Michael's agent :(
Holly says, "I felt like my life flashed before my eyes while he was singing." Yeah, I kinda thought I might die, too.
The Manipulation Marathon
It's their six month anniversary (ONLY SIX MONTHS?!), so Kasey wants to present
Vienna with a gift of reassurance and love. He pulls out a little black
box and says, "My love for you is infinity."
Sit on that one for a full minute, then continue reading.
Vienna exclaims, "I
don't want it to be an engagement ring!" Moment ruined. "It's not an
engagement ring," he says, deflated. "It's a promise ring." She giggles:
Evil witch that she is, Vienna is determined to prove to Kasey (and us) every reason
why he shouldn't love her at the moment when he's trying to show the
infinity-ness of his love. But the more unlovable she is, the more Kasey
tries to justify his feelings/ring purchase/national declarations of
devotion... Oh no. You know what that means. IT'S KASEY KAHL IMPROV POP
If you forgot, suffered major head trauma in the last year or
blocked it out because you were traumatized by joy-overload, here you go: When he was
on The Bachelorette
, Kasey's shining moment was an improv pop ballad
that he sang to Ali.
It was such an effective tactic that he became the first
contestant to ever get a do-over (no rose, but an invitation to stay), presumably because Ali
thought his song was proof that he was in the midst of a
medication-induced psychotic episode, and it wasn't his fault that he was so insane and off-putting.
It was the best worst ever ever EVER.
Tonight, Kasey chooses to serenade Vienna in the key of "C-word" (it's HER key!!) and it goes a little something like this:
I know that from this moment on
I can carry on
My love for you
I gave you a promise
I put it on your finger
And all I know now
Is that you are my ... forever
So when you're feeling blue
Just know that I love you
But look, over here: It's a battle of who is blonder, crazier and more emotionally deformed between Melissa and Erica. I think they're competing over Jake and/or who is a bigger liar about everything always. The general consensus seems to be that
Melissa is "CRAZY" -- which she proves true by cry-scream-confronting
Erica about all her LIES. "I'm not strong enough for this," Melissa sobs. True again! Erica's evil plan is working. Melissa is not long for this game.
Melissa is on the edge, but she decides to see it through the rose ceremony. Fully brainwashed by the Bachelor
system, she needs the pomp and circumstance to make the rejection feel real
. Blake, ever the
idiotic a-hole, decides now is the time to tell Melissa that he wants to
her game, not her sex, partner. He wants to keep things
," which is like somebody in the middle of filming a porn
scene saying he'd like to keep things "celibate."
And that's the straw that broke the shrew-bitch's back. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"
Melissa shudder-scream-cries into Jake's arms. Jake reveals that he's
not as dumb as he looks (or that he's an experienced predator?): "All she wants is to be comforted. Whoever
gives her comfort, she'll follow."
Jake succeeds in convincing Melissa
that she needs to stay (she doesn't) and that everything will work out
for her if she (no, it won't). What Jake needs is Melissa's vote, as
their plan is to break up a power couple (Vienna and Kasey) and they
won't have the numbers without Melissa.
Still, Kasey's "main goal" is to "get Jake off"! HAHAHA, let me guess: "That's not the kind of threesome you had in mind," am I right, Vienna?
Chris Harrison enters to announce tonight's twist. I guess a
twist is mandatory each week from now on. Meaning it's expected. Meaning it's not a
twist. Bachelor Pad: Our stupidity shows at every turn!
Only one man is leaving, and no women.
Well, that makes things pretty easy for the power alliance. We watch as a
parade of Jake portraits fall into the Black Box of Death.
But all hope isn't yet lost for Jake. Erica mounts a campaign to get a majority to vote for Kasey instead of
Jake. Her swing votes are Kirk and Melissa. Erica tries to wrangle
Melissa's unstable brain-reins and, using the power of sympathetic girl talk,
succeeds in convincing Melissa to vote for Kasey.
But William, the
Wormtail to Kasey's Voldemort, can't keep his mouth shut -- he goes
sniveling to his master, literally says "don't be mad at meeee"
tells Kasey that master is at risk, and that Erica is to blame. Vienna erupts
in indignant teenage rage all over our poor conniving princess, who is
officially in out of her (intellectual) depth. All she wanted was to
experience life outside those castle walls!
A sign that this show is off the rails: The one with the tiara and scepter is not "THE CRAZY ONE."
In the voting room, Erica talks to Kasey's photo as she drops it in the
box. Does she actually think he's in there? I bet her psychic told her
about how cameras steal our souls. (And she was like, "Great, I don't
have one, so I can do as much TV as I want!")
Kirk is the final swing vote: Will he vote for Kasey, the power-hungry
power-coupler who needs to go but is in Kirk's own alliance, or Jake,
who has been trying VERY hard not to be a complete psychopath lately?
Choices! When such bad ones led you to be on a show in the first
place, it can be hard to get them back on track.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who has a dark, masochistic desire to see
Jake and Vienna alone in this house without Kasey. We know it would be
terrible, but HOW? With words? Actions? Violence? All three?
All the women are safe. The men get their roses: Graham and Michael
already have theirs. Then Kirk, William and Blake receive theirs. It's
down to Kasey or Jake. And, the eliminated man is...
Nooooo! I mean, yesssss! I don't know how to feel. Quick, show me some examples of emotions I could have about this shocking scenario, please ABC?
"NO!" ABC cruelly replies and, in a truly bizarre turn of events, the film cuts immediately after Chris
says, "Kasey," and we don't get to see Jake's or anyone else's
reactions. (Instead, we're tortured by/treated to another chapter in the
adventures of Jeff the Mask, who tonight puts on his own one-man
swim-dance routine.) WHY, ABC? WHYYY?
Notably, there's no "Next week, on
..." segment, either. Does this mean my dream came true and a
Hellmouth actually DID open up right underneath the Bachelor
soon as Jake was officially released back into the clutches of the
Devil, swallowing the entire estate and ending the show forever?
No? You think ABC is just blatantly trying to turn this into a soap
opera, and that's what the abrupt cliffhanger is all about? Well you're
a bigger dream-crusher than Melissa is a boner-shrinker.
Until we learn the true nature of the devastation that happened as a result of Jake's elimination, riddle me this:
- Why are these people so dumb and NOT breaking up the power couples? I
mean, I try not to actually think about the "game," but seriously. It's
SO OBVIOUS. Kasey and Vienna don't deserve to get the money, but
everyone else deserves NOT to get the money after keeping them around so
- And, on a related note: Who do you think most deserves (or rather, least
doesn't deserve?) the money? My alliance hasn't changed: TEAM MICHELLE
- Who would you do
Til tomorrow, when I come at you with the latest Drama Map... What else did you think about tonight's Bachelor Pad episode? Comments, AHOY!(Images courtesy of ABC