The Gossip Girl Guide to College: What You Didn't Know, Because It's Not True
The Gossip Girl Guide to College: What You Didn't Know, Because It's Not True
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Dear New Student,

Welcome to NYU! We hope you are as thrilled as we are about the next four years, which are sure to be full of maturation, increasing social responsibility and global awareness, advanced analytical thinking in the arts, sciences, and humanities, and, of course, fleeting moments of fun and social interaction... when you have the time.

JUST KIDDING! What a bore that college would be!

Here at NYU, we know a thing or two about having a good time, and it doesn't involve what your parents might refer to as "book learnin'." Sure, we have professors here (I think), but the person from whom you can learn the most is yourself! Which means we operate by the philosophy that, starting as freshmen, you're allowed to fulfill whatever fancy strikes you, whenever it strikes, whether it's wallpapering your dorm room or getting fellow minors fall-down drunk on a very high rooftop!

Yes, it's true: college IS awesome! Here's what you need to know:

1. No one wants your sushi and saketinis.

Even if they're free, and even if your RA and RN and Housing Office and Security Guards have magically allowed you to throw an elaborate, catered, and alcohol-centered soiree in the middle of the dorm common room, which normally only has room for a microwave, a sink, and 3 ratty couches. No one wants your free fish and wasabi facials, so hang up on your fancy caterer and find a different way to become cool/get back at your Satanic roommate.

2. If you know anyone else attending your multi-thousand student university, you will run into them everywhere, and you will end up living in the same dorm. Probably just down the hall. Or even in the same room!

The Housing Office takes care to track your friendships and acquaintances and ensure you have comforting faces all around, because the last thing they want is for you to experience different lifestyles or make new friends. Don't like your roommate? Just swing on by the front desk! An off-the-cuff verbal request for your desired new roommate will be treated as law and processed immediately, without his/her knowledge until you show up at his/her door. It couldn't be easier!

3. If you're going to throw an illegal kegger, make sure to hand out pink flyers telling everyone--including Campus Security and the Dean--exactly where and when all of the minors will be binge drinking.

And make sure it's in a really unsafe place, like on your dormitory roof. And that it starts well before nightfall, say, at about 4 PM, so no one can eat dinner, and everyone is plenty blitzed before the sun even sets. Now that's what I call raising the roof!

4. When in doubt, just drop out.

Not sure what you want to do with your life? You're all alone on that one. Everyone else at college knows exactly what life path they want to follow, so if you're at all unsure about a major on the first day of school, do us all a favor and just don't show up. You'll save all those counselors, professors, and advisors from fulfilling their job descriptions by helping you find your way, not to mention countless of your own hours spent wasting away in introductory courses designed expressly to inform you of what career might best suit you. It's better to aimlessly wander the city streets looking for someone upon whom to inflict your self-pity, wallowing in your own lack of purpose while nursing a mid-day mimosa, than to actually try to learn anything!

5. If you were at all popular in high school, here you will be a pariah.

Just face it: no one likes you here, and they never will. Because people here are much more relaxed and open-minded than you are... except when it comes to accepting you, of course. They watch Battlestar Galactica, for God's sakes. We encourage diversity and openness--but only to a point. And that point ends where you and your silly headbands begin.

6. Community garden documentaries are THE BEST!

There's really nothing more compelling and engaging than a good, homemade carrot-patch movie. The whole school is obsessed with them. Let's all get together and eat Pizza Hut while we watch your treatise against corporate soy! The lower the quality, the higher our collective excitement about your garden film... or any student film, really. We're not picky. Obviously.

 7. You'll never have to step foot in a class room.

Why did you think you were here? To study? College is about learning about yourself, so attendance is discouraged if any social drama or impromptu get-together should ever conflict with your classes. You'll still pass. Still stressed about study time crowding your schedule of revenge plots and make-up sex? Please refer to number 4.

Welcome to NYU! We look forward to treating you like a responsible adult when least appropriate, and policing you like the child you are when least convenient for you. We hear you're used to that.

Yours in Intellectual Inebriation,
NYU Student Services

More on this episode of Gossip Girl:
Gossip Girl Episode 2: The Freshman 15 Reasons to Hate Serena
"The Freshmen": Best and Worst Quotes and Moments
Social Outcast Blair - Like it or Hate it?

-Meghan Carlson, BuddyTV Staff Writer
Image courtesy of the CW