Gossip Girl Season 3 Premiere Recap: Putting the Cart(er) Before the Whores
Gossip Girl Season 3 Premiere Recap: Putting the Cart(er) Before the Whores
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Tonight on the season premiere of Gossip Girl, our omniscient blogger gal welcomes us back with a quick recap of Season 2, and an even quicker update about the recent lives of our (least) favorite Upper East Siders:

Chuck's in a bar picking up a blonde, but what about his girlfriend, Blair?

Over in the Hamptons, jolly Jenny is openly enjoying the fruits of royalty with a ruffled Rufus, dubious Dan, and ever-unphased Eric, with Lily mysteriously away. Where could Mommy Dearest be?

Meanwhile, Nate tied off his European adventure by nearly joining the mile-high club with an adorable auburn-haired heiress by the name of Bree Buckley--his family's rival, it turns out.

And as for Serena? She's been scampering all over Europe, sending e-postcards home recounting her educational adventures... when, in reality, the only things she's been studying are the bottom of bottles and insides of Europe's most infamous bedrooms. Is S off the rails again, or is there a method to her tabloid-tracked madness? 

The Newlywed Games
So, they may not be wed, but that doesn't mean Blair and Chuck didn't have a honeymoon period of their very own. Now that it's over, they fear boredom, so they've resorted to a twisted version of foreplay to keep themselves entertained. Chuck lures a beautiful girl (of Blair's choosing) into Blair's web, then lets her go in for the kill. After Blair gives this particular forgettable blonde a furious boyfriend-stealing tongue lashing, both Chuck and Blair are riled up, in a good way... and proceed to give each other that better kind of tongue lashing. Hey, whatever it takes to keep the relationship fresh, right? Blair feels good about the arrangement until Serena reminds her that this game, knowing Chuck, has a high risk factor, if Blair's fake 'scorned woman' is ever late for the second half of the game. Blair tries to hide her new insecurities at their latest scouting outing for a victim, but Chuck sees through her, and they decide to quit the game for now.

Catching Up with The Humphrey Bunch
After dragging Little J away from her luxurious Hamptons heaven, the Humphs and VDWs set up shop in Lily's pad. Jenny and Eric try their best to keep it a secret from dear old dad that Serena is the latest celebutante to be parading her hoohah around the old country, but they're having a hard time of it... especially when Serena arrives home in a limo surrounded by paparazzi. Serena tells Rufus all the attention must still be about her old-news arrest, and he believes her. Apparently his ancient days of fame never taught Rufus that so many paps tailing his stepdaughter mean the scandal surrounding her must be about as fresh as her virginity isn't. Dan can smell the sex on her, and he also knows how to use the internet, so he confronts Serena with a picture of her partying with Cristiano Ronaldo. She shrugs off the evidence and goes to meet Blair for some pre-polo match shopping.

A Dan of a Different Color
But Serena isn't the only new step-sibling making waves. Vanessa wants Dan to meet her new "friend" Scott (Rufus-Lily lovechild alert!), but he's too busy lying about his new wealth and prestige. Lonely Boy doesn't want V to get all whiny with him about his changing status, but she quickly discovers that a limo, a wallet full of Ben Franklins, a Dior suit and a polo match invitation do not her old friend make--and she's mad about it! So mad! So she complains to her new "friend," who uses Vanessa's crippling insecurity to finagle their way into the polo match as part of Rufus's party. He tells V she should use it as an opportunity to confront Dan, but he's the one who wants to confront his real father, though we can't quite tell if it's about finding his roots or a new trust fund just yet. 

From Forth the Fatal Loins of These Two Foes...
...a pair of star-cross'd lovers disembark a helicopter, surprised to learn they are the hiers of old family enemies. I'm talking, of course, about Nate and his new friend Bree (Joanna Garcia), who write each other off at first thanks to their last names. But after a little prodding from a well-intentioned Chuck (well, not that well-intentioned... "Sleeping with the enemy is hot," he admits) Nate calls up Bree and invites her to a polo match. What he doesn't tell her is that it's the Archibald polo match, and he's doing it to show his grandfather that he's not the old man's pet, and he can't be bought by the shiny red convertible awaiting him in NYC. What a rebel Romeo!

Rufus is a Doofus, But Carter's Not Much Smarter
The kids finally let Rufus in on Serena's summer sexcapades, showing him the tabloid proof. He notices a guy in most of the photos, but can't make out the face. Of course, that guy is Carter, and he's tracked down Serena in NYC, hoping to talk about... whatever happened between them in Europe. Serena tells him to stay away from her, and runs down the street with her dress strings slipping, using the paps as a shield between her and Carter. The most unique use of a wardrobe malfunction I've ever seen. Back in Brooklyn, Jenny and Eric reveal that Lily is with Cece, who's undergoing cancer treatments. At Lily's, Rufus confronts Serena about her starring role in Girls Gone Wild: Western Europe, but she brushes it off as a passing phase, and then tells Dan that Carter is "stalking" her, and she's afraid of what he might do. Dan calls Blair (of all people) to ask for help. 

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