'Gossip Girl' Recap: Whoa Daddy!
'Gossip Girl' Recap:  Whoa Daddy!
This week on Gossip Girl, everyone schemes and counter-schemes and double-back reverse schemes until they all end up at a haunted house orgy. Seriously. And that last sentence was only the tip of the iceberg.

The iceberg being that the great mystery that is Chuck's parentage was finally revealed. (Well, I mean partially revealed. Who's his mom? Elizabeth Fisher? Between the weird timelines and the show's tenuous grip on the 90's, it's possible anyone at all is Chuck's mother.) Chuck hits that iceberg, in my extended Titanic metaphor, and it's too soon to tell whether or not he'll sink. I have good money on rooftop theatrics.

So who is Chuck's daddy? It's Bart Bass, of course, alive and just as orange and leathery as we remember him. Thank god my hunch that Bart Bass is alive was true because I would have felt pretty silly printing up all those commemorative "Bart Bass Lives" T-shirts.

It's the best episode of the whole season, easily surpassing last week's stellar outing. Watching tonight's episode of Gossip Girl was like watching the show in vintage form. Blair was scheming and capable, like if you put Tom Hanks from The Da Vinci Code into Herve Ledger. Nate was confused for about 90% of the episode.

Chuck was borderline inappropriate, overly dramatic and bonded instantly with hookers. Serena was convinced she was a secret agent, wore a low-cut shirt and then ended the episode depressed, as is her way this season. And Dan once more threw away a gigantic career opportunity for a girl that is barely interested in him. All is right in the world once again, fellow OMFG lovers.

Roman Holiday?

Dan spends the entire episode patting himself on the back about how progressive he is in his relationship with Blair. Because they're equals and he trusts her! Also, he has bigger fish to fry, like getting past page two of his new book. His book agent Alexandra is clearly a Chair shipper because she immediately sets him up with a pretty, mature Italian lady who offers him a great opportunity for a summer program. Only problem? It's in Rome.

So Dan calls up Blair, who he assumes is looking at paintings at the Met to get back into Original Gangster Blair form. The way Dan says Original Gangster Blair is so hilarious. I imagine him starting up a hipster rap collective where he spits rhymes about mason jars and pickling various things. He would be huge in Brooklyn. I hope that's a storyline for next season. The writers totally read these recaps, right?

When Blair instantly gives Dan leave to pop off to Rome, however, he starts to wonder if there's trouble in paradise. And there is, because it's clear that Blair is gradually leaving Dan for her true love: scheming. Dan, of course, wonders if this is a Chuck thing. So he follows Blair and Chuck and then just sort of skulks outside the Haunted Sex Mansion until Rufus tells him to go home. It's bad when you're taking relationship advice from Rufus, that's all I'm saying.

Later, he calls and cancels his Roman holiday and tells Blair that they went for someone else. Then he drops those three little words every girl waits to hear, "I love you," and Blair responds with, "Let's get dinner!" Considering that Blair very rarely eats, this is probably a bad sign for the relationship.

Gossip Girl: The Serena Chronicles

Nate finally believes Lola that Serena is Gossip Girl because Lola literally gave him a paper that was like, "Hi Serena, enjoy being Gossip Girl!" And yet, part of me still believes it took at least half a day for Lola to slowly explain the implications to Nate after seeing that Serena had the GG login information. "There's this thing called a website, Nate. You should know. You run one."

So Nate and Lola hatch an elaborate scheme that in hindsight still doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I don't know if this is because there's a lot of moving parts in this episode and I just need to watch everything again or if their plan just makes no sense. Since its Nate and Lola, the latter feels infinitely more possible.

The grand scheme is to take down Diana, Gossip Girl and Serena. Or at least show Serena the error of her ways, because Nate can't hate anyone for more than five seconds, since that's how long Nate can hold onto information. So they double-cross Serena about the schedule book, except for how Serena is totally double-crossing their double-cross. My mind is being blown by Nate, Serena and Lola. I don't know how to feel about that.

Basically the best part of this whole scenario is all of Serena's terrible, amazing acting as she pretends to look for something to break the cipher in Diana's scheduler. "Oh, a Big Ben paperweight!" Serena crows cheerfully on the phone to Nate as she pretends to go through Diana's things. Crazy Serena is so freaking aces.

Why is Serena doing this? Well, it's because Diana has promised to give her Gossip Girl cell phone number. Then Serena can track her down, kill her, dump her body in the river and become Gossip Girl forevermore. Or something less extreme. I'm not sure Serena has a plan yet. Serena keeps telling everyone that she wants to out Gossip Girl once and for all, but Lola knows it's because she's got nothing going on except being Gossip Girl.

Serena tries to steal the schedule to give it back to Diana but gets busted because Blair is finally checked in enough to notice how terrible Serena is at scheming. If Blair had her original flavor personality at any point this season, she would have figured this mystery out ages ago instead of drinking things out of mason jars.

Blair hands the schedule book back over to Serena after they're finished with it and Serena gets the number from Diana. Then Lola puts the number in her app that allows you to illegally trace someone via GPS because Lola is secretly working for the CIA and the last episode of this season will have everyone in some sort of high-security lockup.

Serena almost finds Gossip Girl at the Haunted Mansion Sexy-Scary Time party, but the party gets broken up before she can trace the ringing. That is literally the closest we have maybe ever gotten to the real Gossip Girl. I like to believe that Kristen Bell's back in that room, being carried around on a golden palm frond by a bunch of shirtless men, clutching her laptop and cackling.

So now Serena has no Gossip Girl site, since the Original Gangster GG stole the laptop and changed the login thanks to Nate and Lola. Serena is offended because clearly she was making the world a better place through Gossip Girl, like all those times she insinuated on the site that Chuck and Blair were doing it to undermine Blair's relationship with Dan. She was changing the system from the inside! At episode's end, Serena is sitting all alone in the dark, pitied by even Dorota, with only her berry friends to keep her company. Does Serena literally ever eat anything except berries this season?

Original Gangster Blair

On Blair's way to rediscovering herself via staring at paintings, she's cut off by a limo. This means two things: 1.) Chuck Bass needs help with a scheme that only someone as nefarious as Blair could crack and 2.) That the working GPS Chuck has on Blair to know where she is at all times is still working. Some things never change.

So Blair gets into her best skintight cougar dress in order to channel Diana Payne, and Chuck is way turned on, even though literally five seconds ago he thought Diana was his mother. One day, we're going to get a whole episode delving into Chuck's mother issues, like why he has such uncomfortably inappropriate chemistry with Lily.

Diana's schedule book is of course written in a cipher code that is nearly impossible to break. But Blair lives her whole life like it's a movie and occasionally when the need calls for it her life has been a spy movie. This is one of these times and it's amazing to watch Blair slip into a convincing British accent and pull out her old ciphers.

It's like everyone else is still on Gossip Girl, but Blair is in some combination of a Dan Brown novel and an episode of Alias. She's all "cipher this" and "cryptograph that" while next to her Chuck gets incredibly turned out. On the other couch, Nate smiles and pretends he knows any of those words, while Serena thinks about her next meal where she'll spice things up by eating two berries instead of one.

Thanks to sending Dorota into the action (in this case, Diana's massage parlor), Blair manages to break Diana's cipher. Whatever Dorota is being paid, it's officially not enough for all the spy work she's doing. They call the number and it leads them to a crazy Eyes Wide Shut party. Remember when Chuck went to one of those in season 2 and briefly fell in love with a hooker and it was weird? Well, callback time! This should have maybe been the first indication that Bart Bass would triumphantly return. You just cannot throw a good orgy without inviting Bart Bass.

So now Chuck, Blair and Nate are at what looks like what would happen if you crossed a horror movie where everyone ends up being dead at the end with really old fashioned porn from the 1920's. So basically they're in American Horror Story, only Dylan McDermott hasn't showed up to cry. Once there, Blair gets possessive over hookers hitting on Chuck (I guess knowing his history of falling in love with them?) and off they go to tour the mansion.

It's really great. Blair keeps trying to see as many rooms as possible, while Chuck keeps making up excuses for why it won't work for them to have sex in. In other parts of the house, Diana has a control center because she's actually transforming into a Bond villain and dismisses everyone once she sees Blair and Chuck.

In the melee, Blair sees Bart Bass and looks shocked, while Nate and Lola confront Diana about being a madam or something. I don't know. Nate and Lola have some sort of plan up their sleeve to take Diana down and retake the Spectator. I'm not sure why Lola cares so much about this, to be honest.

Chuck confronts Jack about being his real father. "Why do you have to be so melodramatic about everything?" Jack asks Chuck. Please, Jack would know by now that's the only setting Chuck has. Chuck basically goes from melodramatic to prancing around on rooftops with no lower setting. Jack has Chuck thrown out, but not before having a conversation with Blair about what she saw. He tells her she can't tell Chuck because of mysterious non-answer reasons.

Outside, Blair looks about as shell-shocked as you'd expect. Chuck holds her hand and asks her what's wrong. He says after everything they've been through, they shouldn't have any more secrets. Blair obviously agrees because she advises him to go back into the Haunted Sex Mansion when everyone else clears out. Chuck does and finds Jack and Diana in a discussion with none other than the most leathery, amazing, dearly departed character in the Gossip Girl universe: Bart Bass. BART BASS LIVES!

Next week, Blair and Chuck do something that has Dan jealous. Meanwhile, Bart Bass plans to sail out on a boat to Westeros to retake the iron throne.

What did you think of tonight's episode? Were you glad to see the gang back together again? Sound off in the comments!

Morgan Glennon
Contributing Writer

(Image courtesy of The CW)

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