'Gossip Girl' Recap: Red Hot Theater
'Gossip Girl' Recap: Red Hot Theater
This week on Gossip Girl, everyone is wearing a mask of their own devising when they go to a production of Sleep No More. Once there, we are treated to sexy candy talk, secret rendezvous and multiple cases of mistaken identity. So basically an ordinary episode of Gossip Girl, only ramped up to 11, at which point everyone looks like a sexy Phantom of the Opera.

The episode works as a pretty fantastic advertisement for Sleep No More. That show looks so freaky and amazing, like you might show up for some theater and end up making out with Chuck Bass. Never has there been a more effective ad campaign. I'm buying my tickets as I recap. 

Blair is playing Lady Macbeth by trying to force Chuck to revert to his motherchucker ways. Serena is accidentally stealing the boyfriend of a close friend like always. Ivy is just trying to survive another day on the Upper East Side dodging Elizabeth Hurley's cougar stink eye and Nate's lustful confusion. And Dan? He's barely involved in any part of this episode, except for five seconds where we find out that his failure has caused him to start dressing less hipster and more homeless. Things are looking grim for Lonelyboy. 

To Blog or Not To Blog: That Is the Question

Serena discovers that blogging is really, really hard. There are so many words that you have to write in a row! And you can only use so many emoticons! Somehow, Serena's long treatises on the situation in the Middle East and the Occupy Wall Street movement just aren't gaining traction. I'm kidding, we have no idea what she's writing about, but she's bummed no one seems to be reading.

Charlie advises her to go out and live her life. Do this blog thing gonzo style! Go meet a guy and take him to lunch is Charlie's crazy suggestion. I would rather see Serena do more of a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas thing where she and Chuck take a bunch of drugs and then fight imaginary bats, but I'm more creative than Charlie.

Of course, because she has the luck of Serena van der Woodsen, she immediately bumps into Ivy's cute ex-boyfriend Max, there on a job interview. She nearly takes Charlie's advice and makes Max late for a job interview, but at the last moment backs down and scurries away before Max can get her name.

Back at Casa Waldorf, Blair and Serena gripe to each other about their problems. Please, can we get more than one obligatory Serena/Blair scene per episode? I've felt like the girls have been particularly isolated from each other this season, with Louis and Charlie taking away screen-time from the besties.

"If you talk about how many strokes it takes to brush your hair people will read it," Blair tells Serena. We all know that would be an empty blog post since Serena hasn't brushed her hair in at least a year. Serena tells Blair to relax and Blair tells Serena she's too good to blog anyway.

Showing up at the NY Spectator to quit the second job she's held in the past week or so, Serena bumps into Max, there as part of Diana's evil scheme. Diana sets up the two on a date to Sleep No More but then arranges it so that Max thinks Serena is in the show already and Serena thinks Max hasn't showed up yet.

Thinking she's stood up, Serena rails to Diana against the unfair nature of Gossip Girl. Remember that one time Gossip Girl called Serena irrelevant? Well, Serena still does! Gossip Girl has been so terrible to Serena, especially compared to the time she outed Blair's pregnancy scare, causing her to be shunned by everyone she knew. But at least Blair wasn't called irrelevant. I love how Serena's held on to that diss so much.

She says she's grown a thicker skin to deal with Gossip Girl but she doesn't like it when Gossip Girl picks on the weak. Cue Diana sending in a post to Gossip Girl about Charlie that makes a fire light in Serena's eyes as if Gossip Girl just said she didn't matter again. Serena agrees that it's time to take down Gossip Girl once and for all and then hugs Charlie and tells her she's never, ever allowed to leave. Serena is like the most adorable, simple kidnapper of all time.

The Grandfather

Speaking of adorable and simple, Nate is very confused this episode. He doesn't like that Diana treats their relationship like business and is intrigued by the fake kiss he had with Ivy. So off he bounces to Ivy because Nate is drawn to pretty guest stars like moths to a flame.

This, of course, raises Diana's cougar hackles. I'm surprised Diana hasn't tattooed "Nate is Mine" on his forehead. She's like a vampire from True Blood without the fangs.

Most of the episode actually turns on Diana's crazy plan to ensnare both Nate and Serena in her tangled web of sex and deception. I wonder why she's working so hard since she's dealing with Nate and Serena. She could probably just flash something shiny in front of their faces and distract them that way. She is wasting way too much over-the-top cougar energy on this.

At Sleep No More, she juggles a complicated game of mistaken identity and misunderstandings between Nate, Ivy, Max and Serena that is more complex and thorough than Blair's Chuck Bass Venn diagram.

Basically, she makes Nate believe that Ivy is using him to make her boyfriend jealous while convincing Max that Serena is inside wearing Ivy's gold dress. When she gets Ivy to kiss Max thinking it's Nate, her plan is complete. It's only a matter of time before Ivy's plot is uncovered now, especially after Max Googles Serena and comes up with Gossip Girl's post about "Charlie." Meanwhile, Nate rushes back into her cougar arms, confused but excited to be considered her equal.

Except it turns out Elizabeth Hurley has been working for Nate's Grandfather the whole time! WHAT? (I always feel the need to capitalize Grandfather because that's always the way Nate addresses him.) He says something about her rehabilitating Nate's image, to which I laughed so hard I might have missed the rest of his evil plan.

Oh yes, Nate sleeping with his boss at the tabloid he works at makes him Senator material now, grandpa. Good one. Seriously? Are we expected to believe that Grandfather has nothing better to do with his time than try to take down a gossip site aimed at 20-year-olds? I'll hold out judgment until this plotline unfolds though.

Red Hot Make-Outs

Meanwhile, with lipsy the wonder prince off somewhere making that one facial expression he makes Blair is going slightly insane. Why? Because Chuck's apology is causing her to have wonderful Sabrina nightmares about Chuck in dinner jackets. That's enough to make any girl swoon or go mad. She's making Venn diagrams comparing the Old Chuck (with attributes like 'ageism') and the New Chuck, who she thinks is taking part in "faux-lanthropy."

Chuck is everywhere and everywhere he goes he's doing something endearing. He's giving to charity, he's all over the Business page and he's even saving helpless ducks from dog parks. If you thought there wasn't anything cuter than Chuck Bass and a dog, you have not yet seen Chuck Bass with a duck. I eagerly await the future Tumblr dedicated to Chuck Bass posing with an array of adorable animals. I leave it to you, internet.

Blair has gone so crazy that she can't even hear it when Serena tells her how much Chuck really is trying to change. The sound of Serena's voice is just whipping by like she's in a crazy wind tunnel. The only thing she takes out of Serena's pep talk is that Chuck will be at the charity Sleep No More premiere and she must be there to prove he's still a horrible person.

So Blair follows Chuck around the theater, stalking him in a way that would make Chuck proud. And Dorota is right behind Blair. Blair finally finds Chuck in a room that looks like a bar but seems to be there only to serve candy. What is this play? I don't remember peanut M&Ms as an integral part of Macbeth but it has been a while since I've brushed up on my Shakespeare.

Blair shuts herself in the room with Chuck and they proceed to have the sexiest scene centered on candy I have ever seen. "Remember when we used to play dress up?" she asks. Chuck looks horny and scared, a combination seen more often on Nate. He's like a sexy cornered animal. Blair than gets all up in his business, talking about how great it is that he's changed.

She touches her neck and gets all seductive. "They even have Red Hots, you never could resist," she says, feeding him the candy. Red Hots have never in their history been that hot. Of course, Chuck can't resist and the two furiously make out.

Once Blair pulls away from the hottest scene of the season, she's furious. She explains how somehow in her convoluted logic Chuck giving in to her temptation proves that he hasn't changed at all. This, of course, proves that she chose the right man. Methinks the lady doth protest too much?

As the episode ends, we learn that Chuck was actually doing a solid for Dorota. She had asked him to kiss Blair to confirm her Evil Chuck suspicions so she could stop obsessing about it and move on. But it looks like Chuck might not have evolved past their relationship just yet because he keeps the mask from Sleep No More.

Next week, Serena throws Blair a wedding party and gets a crasher in the form of one drunken, muppet-haired Dan Humphrey. I can't wait. What did you think of this week's episode? Did you love the Chair kiss? Was it the sexiest scene involving candy ever? And how about Ivy? Is her time up yet? Sound off in the comments!

Best Tweets About the Episode

Morgan Glennon
Contributing Writer

(Image courtesy of The CW)