This week on Gossip Girl
everyone is trying to avoid their problems except Serena, who as usual is accidentally causing more problems.
Blair is avoiding opening her paternity test results by throwing herself into various fashion adventures. Dan is avoiding dealing with the fall-out of his book by crawling into other people's problems in the guise of helpfulness. Nate is trying to avoid becoming a male prostitute again by dressing up in a business suit in an attempt to convince everyone he's not just a well-paid sex toy. And Charlie ... or should we say Ivy? She's desperately trying to avoid getting caught in her elaborate web of lies.
By episode's end, most of our favorite Upper East Siders have stopped lying to themselves. But have they stopped lying entirely? Certainly, Ivy hasn't. But what about Blair?
Road to Becoming a Rhodes
Serena arrives in New York all sun-kissed and super blonde from LA with a million necklaces around her neck like a crazy blonde gypsy. But the only thing she cares about is making sure that Charlie sticks around the city with her by insulting her former apartment and all her poor people clothes. Like at one point she is unpacking Charlie and literally looks like she is going to be ill from touching non-designer fashion. Serena's life problems are amazing.
Charlie is also freaking out since she is returning into the shark infested waters of the Upper East Side. The last time she was there she managed to get away scot-free, only being found out by Georgina "Crazy Whisperer" Sparks. This time she might not be so lucky. It looks like her instincts are dead-on when Carol calls Lily looking for "Charlie" after she gets a notification of Ivy's bounced check. Carol flies out to New York and Lily invites her to the fashion show of the episode.
Ivy, hearing Serena and Lily talking about her, decides she really should have just gone to sad Portland with funion boyfriend and leaves him a voicemail. But there's no escaping the loving, suffocating attentions of Serena. Sending Charlie off to drop off her fashion tickets, Serena instead arranges for Charlie to walk in the Jenny Packham fashion show. Charlie is powerless in the face of that much glitter attached to a dress and walks in the show.
Not before having a heart to heart with Blair, who advises Charlie to live her own life, by blackmail if necessary. Which is exactly what Charlie does, explaining to Carol that they are in a mutually-assured destruction scenario if either talks. The episode ends with Charlie moving into the van der Woodsen penthouse, toasting with her new fake family and imagining all the sparkly dresses she can buy now.
Free At Last!
Meanwhile, Lily is walking around the house and practically jumping anyone who comes off the elevator. With Eric away at college and no one but Rufus around, Lily is apparently wallowing in a world of luxury, waffles and boredom. But Rufus comes through for her and just in time for her to put on her biggest, heaviest earrings and attend a fashion show.
"You must really love me, don't you?" Lily says. I'm sure Rufus loves the idea of getting Lily out the house so he can watch his stories.
At the party, everyone sees Lily and begins whispering about her house arrest. Rufus assures Lily that she should ignore all the haters because she's served her time. Only these people would think that staying at home and internet shopping is "serving her time" for wrongly imprisoning someone for years. I'm sure Lily's time in jail was just as harrowing as Ben's. Sure, Ben probably had to shiv some people in the clink but Lily had to do all her designer shopping online. Online! No one has suffered like she has.
Dan is still all up in Chuck's business to take his mind off his own book publishing woes. After apparently forcing Chuck to watch Field of Dreams, he decides a more drastic action is necessary to make sure Chuck feels. If Dan's go-to movie watching trick didn't work, he figures an adorable dog might help. Chuck stares at the dog as if it might be an alien and bemoans the fact that he had to sex up several people in the publisher's office to get information for Dan.
Just as Chuck is making an amazingly off-color gay joke at Dan's expense, Nate walks into the apartment and lights up like its Christmas. Nate immediately runs to the dog like a five-year-old easily lured into a van. Again, if you were ever wondering the way into Nate's heart, I'm pretty sure the answer is pot, sex and puppies. Probably in that order.
Chuck refuses to keep the dog and a later posting Blair looks at on Gossip Girl seems to confirm that he gave the dog to the pound. Not so fast though! When Blair comes by later for a heart-to-heart Chuck introduces the new pooch as "Monkey". This is one of two clever shout-outs to the original Gossip Girl books, in which Chuck had a hilarious pet monkey named "Sweetie."
As the episode ends, Chuck's emotional floodgates finally spill over after his conversation with Blair. In bed, but dapper still in his suit and tie, he finally cries. He's not alone though, because Monkey crawls into bed with Chuck and puts his tiny, adorable doggy head on Chuck's chest as he cries. Finally, Chuck has a loyal friend! Or at least one who won't smoke all his weed.
Baby Daddy Drama
Blair spends the entire episode studiously trying to avoid opening the envelope from her doctor's office with the paternity test results. And if there is one thing that Blair Waldorf succeeds in, it's recasting reality to her own making. So she goes shopping multiple times and threatens to deport Dorota to the horrors of the Upper West Side for prying.
With Serena recently arrived, stalking her cousin in a sweet and friendly yet fairly creepy way, Blair still has only Dan to rely on. I'm worried that all this time with Dan and his Muppet hair is adversely affecting Blair's usually flossy tresses, since her hair is stringy and weird for most of this episode.
After a funny hissy fight with Dan at the fashion show, in which Blair is wearing a dress that felt the need to bedazzle her butt like a disco ball, she finally agrees with Dan. She opens the letter and heads to talk to Chuck.
There, they have a sweet and sad conversation where she reveals the baby is Louis'. When she sees Chuck still has the dog, and in fact did the responsible pet owner task of getting it fixed, her eyes get doubly the amount of sad they were previously. She leaves his apartment after telling him that part of her wanted the baby to be his.
When she finally tells Louis the baby news he's overjoyed. On the way out of her room, she takes the envelope with the test results and stuffs it deep into her drawer. Has Blair finally owned up and faced the truth? Or is she lying to maintain her fairytale?
Outsmarting Gossip Girl
While everyone else in this episode is avoiding their problems and having deep existential crises, Nate's crisis is that he doesn't want to be a glorified sex worker anymore.
To that end he shows up at his internship at Diana's newspaper in professional business attire, looking much like a little boy that tried to dress up just like his dad for Halloween. Diana tries to get Nate to sex her up in her office but Nate is adamant that he can do a lot more besides prostituting himself. As someone who's watched this show for five years, I've yet to see proof of this, but its cute Nate believes in himself.
Diana thinks so too and employs him in her Jenny Packham party scam. She wants her paper the Spectator to out-gossip Gossip Girl, so she's set the party up so that everyone has to pass over their phones upon arriving. Nate wonders why she didn't just dig in the phones and Diana's eyes get all crazy, the same way Blair's do whenever she talks about being a princess.
Nate throws himself in with this completely morally bankrupt scheme to steal property to prove what a professional he can be because Nate might be accidentally devious, but he is still very simple.
Unfortunately for Ivy, her phone was never properly tagged and now remains in Nate and Diana's possession as a ticking time bomb that will eventually blow her cover.
The Further Adventures of Dylan Hunter
When not up in everyone else's business this week; Dan is still working tirelessly to suppress his book. To that end he visits his former friend and Charlie Trout admiring mentor Noah Shapiro. Noah listens to Dan play the world's tiniest violin about how his book is going to anger everyone he knows and agrees to help. But instead he just takes credit for Dan's book instead, which sends Dan into a self-righteous spiral that ends with him accosting Noah at dinner.
"I told you I'd get him to step forward," Noah tells his snotty publishing friends and they all laugh like horrible people and convince Dan to sit down. As the episode ends, the book that is going to piss everyone off and finally turn Nate gay next week arrives in the mail. In another clever book series homage, Dan's book has the same cover as the first Gossip Girl
Next week Dan's book hits the newsstands and my guess is someone eventually hits Dan.
What did you think of this week's episode? What is Diana up to? How long until Ivy is found out? And was Blair telling the truth or lying about the baby? Sound off in the comments!
(Image courtesy of The CW)