'Bachelor Pad' Recap: So-Called 'Strategy' Kills the 'So Bad It's Good' Magic
'Bachelor Pad' Recap: So-Called 'Strategy' Kills the 'So Bad It's Good' Magic
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
OK, let's cut right to the chase, because after those two hours of Bachelor Pad, the last thing you need is for me to waste MORE of your time. Tonight's episode was the WORST! So much ... what's the word ... THINKING!

When I made a promise to myself that I would enjoy the pure summer fun of Bachelor Pad to its fullest, on this blog, with all of you, my special Bachelor Pad buddies, did I think I was signing on for two painful hours of vodka-soaked psychobabble about "outsiders" and "alliances"? NO! I thought I was in for a series of PG sex scenes, ridiculously irrelevant "challenges" that test basic human brain functions, and a constant stream of hilarious English-language-butchering through the mouths of people who once thought that finding love on TV was a good idea and whose ideas just got worse from there. Those people don't need teams and strategies and alliances to be entertaining--in fact, they need just the opposite. Don't you see that forcing them to think goes against their inherent nature, and if they're busy thinking, they're NOT busy NOT thinking, and thus NOT making terrible televised choices?

Maybe it's my fault for not fully understanding what Bachelor Pad even is (though I'm pretty sure Bachelor Pad doesn't fully understand what Bachelor Pad even is), but I feel duped. No--worse. I feel Fleissed. I WANT MY DRUNKEN HOT TUB MASSAGE FOLLOWED BY SOMEONE CALLING SOMEONE ELSE A SLUT WHICH THEN INSTIGATES A POOLSIDE CRYING SESSION! (I do? Oh God ... I do.) AND I WANT THEM NOW! This is still (kind of) The Bachelor after all. This isn't Survivor! (Although I would love to see these people marooned on an island).

Anyway, we might as well try to parse out whatever it is that happened tonight on Bachelor Pad. But I'm not happy about it.

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Getting Back Up to Speed
After last week's introductory hookups and nonsensical drama (AKA the "good ol' days"), the word for tonight is "strategy." After narrowly escaping elimination, Jesse Kovacs realizes that pissing off the psychotic Elizabeth was a bad strategy, and he might as well get some ass on his way to $250,000, so now they're a "couple." Being a couple gives him an "in" with the women, who, he reminds us several times, vote off the men. Hey Jesse: That's the only consistent rule here. WE GET IT. But back to coupling: Jesse B. and Natalie are an item, the latter of whom wants the prize money so she can "wipe out her student loans." Nice try.

"Insiders" vs. "Outsiders"
Ugh. It starts. We learn that Peyton, Krisily, Gia, Gwen and Nikki are considered the "outsider" girls because they didn't know very many people coming into the show and haven't hooked up with any of the men. They decide they need to stick together if they're going to outlast the ladies who are willing to get dooown to get ahead.

It's basically a high school clique system, because that is the most evolved social structure these people are comfortable with. So the losers and nerds need to gang up on the jocks and cheerleaders and figure out how to vote one of their own in as prom king. It would make a great high school underdog movie, except here there are no losers and there are no jocks. There's just some ex-Bachelor people who like each other, and some who just don't know each other, and everyone is just equally the worst. If this were a high school movie, the protagonist would be the fed-up principal who gives everyone detention and then sets the school on fire with everyone inside. 

The Challenge: Pie Eating Contest

3465121_7491556b-44c3-4a2e-adbc-f5ad5aa4436e-121025-209-pre.jpgIn a test of their ability to quickly and efficiently swallow sugary garbage without vomiting (heeeey, it's like me watching this show, but in food-form!), the women and the men will compete against each other in a pie-eating contest for a rose, a 4-way date and the immunity that goes along with that rose and that date. Whoever pigs out on their pie the fastest (no hands allowed) will win. Krisily had her gall bladder removed a year ago, and says she's go to the hospital if she ate the pie (a revelation that doesn't warrant crying, like at all, but she cries anyway because "I'm totally not that girl, but THIS IS FOR $250,000!"), and so she won't compete. Too bad, so sad, who cares.

The women remove all extraneous clothing, because harnessing the power of cleavage is an important element of pie-eating. The pie filling is either some sort of mixed berry or a blend of various deli meats. Elizabeth says it takes like "when you throw up in your mouth a little bit." Tenley gets about a third of the way through her pie and then starts painfully, audibly fake-weeping like a dying Disney woodland creature. This sets off a string of girl-barfing, as the men stand back and yell "OHHH!" and instinctively shield their private areas in revulsion.

"I'm surprised any of these boys would be romantically interested in any of us after that," says Nikki. Good thing they're trapped in a house with you and have no choice! It's like the Donner Party, but with sex instead of cannibalism. Sex-starvation just isn't an option.

In an ironic twist, Gia the swimsuit model beats out the ladies and wins the contest, thanks in part to Wes, who coached her on how to flip the crust out of the pie pan and gobble it all up like a BOSS. The pie on her forehead is her anointment of victory.

The boys are up next, and they turn into little six-pack-wielding babies as they moan and bitch, and then Craig--who definitely has some sort of personality disorder that makes him incapable of relating to anyone, even a pie, in a rational way--rubs his hair in the pie for no reason and then laughs and shrugs. His hair may have soaked up some of the filling if it weren't already so saturated with product.

Weatherman may lack many talents (an understanding of human social cues, being funny, being a weatherman) but he sure can eat a mean pie. Weatherman takes it home in the end ... and immediately sullies his moment of triumph by yelling "YEAH BOYEEE!" and asking Chris Harrison for a kiss. Yet he still pretends he is excited to go on a date with some ladiessss. You can't fool us, Weatherman! You pretended that pie was Kiptyn's mouth, didn't you?

Jonathan and Gia strategize about who they should take on their dates and keep safe. Gia wants to keep Weatherman around because she trusts him and "always roots for the underdog." In other words, he's a pushover and a puppet. She tells him to take the "outsiders," so Jonathan picks Gwen, Peyton and Ashley to go on the date, per Gia's advice. Dance, puppet, dance!

Paintballs

For his date Jonathan and his three lady friends go to an art studio, where they rub paint on each other and a canvas on the floor. And he wears a speedo, because of course he does. I notice that Weatherman seems to have no body hair whatsoever, even on his legs. With his lack of hair and sexuality, it's kind of like seeing a baby in a spandex diaper. Not sexy. Not offensive. But still ... somehow inappropriate.

After stomping all over Jackson Pollack's soul, Jonathan and his harem do the ol' blahbedy-blah about gameplay. As Ashley places her hand (HER HAND!) on Jonathan's wrist (HIS WRIST!) she says she's "willing to do what she has to do" to win, but we all know that "doing" definitely does not include doing Jonathan. Let's get real. After talking strategy with Peyton and Ashley, Jonathan says he has more of a "connection" with Gwen, so he wants to ditch the game-talk and spit game with the lady of his choice. Jonathan is really relishing playing Mr. Bachelor, and dramatically presents Gwen with the night's rose as her voice over says she would never hook up with him, not in a million years.  

In-Tent to Kill (My Brain Cells)

3465121_e61ed599-7490-419a-be79-81c4527578dc-121025-526-pre.jpgGia first selects Wes and Craig to go on her date. She then tells everyone that she will write the rest of the guys' names on paper and pick one out of a bowl, but instead writes Jesse Beck's name on every piece of paper. SNEAKY! (Though I don't understand why ... so which of us is the dumb one?) Gia intends to give the rose to Craig, convert Jesse to the "outsider" team and somehow explain to Wes that giving Craig the rose is good for Wes.

At their date under an exotic tent set up in the middle of a manicured public park somewhere in urban L.A., Gia promises the rose to Craig but is then wooed by Wes's words of love (and several glasses of chardonnay) and gives the rose to Wes instead. It was her idea to keep Craig around, whom she needs on her "outsider" team, but now she went and screwed it all up. Oh no!

Meanwhile back at the Pad, Elizabeth says, "God, why am I so dumb? You know what I am? I'm a dumb smart girl." Uhhhhh. And then she and Jesse Kovacs take a shower together while we watch through the curtain like a bunch of terrible, no-good perverts. Bachelor Pad is prison for my eyes, which now, incidentally, need a shower of their own.

Then Krisily overhears Jessie using her mouth to make sneaky snake-words and duplicitous snake-kisses with Dave Good, and so she goes to trustworthy Kiptyn to say that he shouldn't trust Jessie because she's intentionally hurting people and "playing both sides," except Krisily's really just trying to save her own ass by throwing Jessie to the jock-wolves and ohmygod GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Elimination Day
The "insiders" now have the power in the house because Gia screwed up everything by getting wasted and giving the rose to Wes.

After their date, Jesse is now smitten with Gia and says she's more "girlfriend material" than Natalie. (Which is why she is someone ELSE's girlfriend.) So Jesse dumps Natalie because he has a crush on an unattainable swimsuit model, but he makes it Natalie's fault by calling her a slut (basically). Classy! Poor Natalie says that he "broke her heart."

They've been there for a week.

Gia has a new plan to "save the outsiders." (SAVE THE OUTSIDERS!) She thinks they should vote for Kiptyn, split the vote 5-5 with the cool girls, and as the rose-winner she will then cast the tiebreaker and vote off Kiptyn, effectively breaking up the cool kid alliance. Or something.

A whole, stinking painful HOUR of talking and strategizing and "chit chat chatter," as Elizabeth the idiom-butcher would say, later, Gia's plan flops because Nikki flips and votes for Craig rather than her BFF Kiptyn, and despite Dave's valiant efforts to save his make-out buddy Jessie S., she's a goner.

At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Krisily and Jessie for the women, and Kiptyn and Craig for the men.

Eliminated: Craig M. and Jessie S. If you still care. Which I don't. I'd rather listen to a bunch of Dungeons and Dragons nerds talk elf-strategy and magic elixir points all day than listen to these idiots plot against each other for one more MINUTE, because their game is stupider and faker and doesn't even have rules. You and I are in a fight, Bachelor franchise.

Next Week: Natalie says "I'd make out with everyone in the house for $20" and goes topless in the hot tub. Wes sings the SAME SONG ("Love, it don't come eeeeeasy") to Gia that he did to Jillian almost two years ago, and drunk Gia says he is like SHAKESPEARE (!!!!!) "but cuter." Now THAT sounds like the Bachelor Pad I signed up for. Guess I'm back in!


(Images courtesy of ABC)