'Game of Thrones' Recap: The Hand of the Kingslayer
'Game of Thrones' Recap: The Hand of the Kingslayer
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Game of Thrones is getting a little out of control in season 3 with about a thousand different locations and new characters. This week we travel to nine different places where Catelyn's dad's funeral, Theon's escape attempt, a Small Council meeting, a farewell to Hot Pie, a deal for dragons and some rather serious consequences for Jaime Lannister. There are also two different threats of rape, which isn't very pleasant.

Jaime and Brienne

These two are being brought back to Robb Stark by Locke, the House Bolton bounty hunter, and Jaime seems to be developing a soft spot for Brienne. Realizing that she's going to be brutally raped by the men, he warns her to let them do it and not fight back. Brienne, of course, doesn't accept this.

That night she's about to get raped, fighting and screaming, when Jaime talks to Locke and explains that Brienne's dad owns all the sapphires in the Seven Kingdoms and will pay handsomely for her return, unharmed. Aww, Jaime likes Brienne.

Jaime's words seem to work so well that Locke lets him out of his chains to eat, but then he knocks him down, explaining that his name and his daddy can't help him this time. Then, for good measure, he cuts Jaime's hand off. Seriously, is every TV show required to feature an amputation this year?

The Tully Funeral

The episode begins with the funeral of Catelyn's father, Hoster Tully. The ceremony involves setting the body off to sea, then lighting an arrow and firing it onto the boat for the pyre. Catelyn's brother Edmure is in charge of this, but his aim is terrible, so Catelyn's uncle, Blackfish, takes the bow, fires it in the air, then casually walks away, already knowing it landed. The point is that Edmure Tully is awful. He's the Jan Brady of Game of Thrones.

Robb continues to emasculate Edmure by yelling at him for screwing up his battle plans. OK, we get it, Edmure is terrible. Now can we get back to Robb Stark fighting a war. Or, at the very least, sexing up Talisa.

The Small Council

Tywin Lannister calls a meeting of the Small Council, which means we get an awesome scene of silent chair moving that involves Tywin, Littlefinger, Varys, Pycelle, Cersei and Tyrion (the Evil League of Evil would be envious). After quickly deciding that Robb Stark now has Harrenhal, it's agreed that Littlefinger will marry Lysa Arryn, Catelyn's sister. Oh great, the woman with SERIOUS boundary issues when it comes to her son.

With Littlefinger leaving, Tywin names Tyrion the new Master of Coin. So Tyrion gets the books from Littlefinger's brothel and goes over them, realizing that they are in massive debt. Don't worry, King Joffrey can just raise the debt ceiling. Who knew Game of Thrones could do ripped-from-the-headlines plots?

And for a little comedic relief, Tyrion decides to get his servant, Podrick, the perfect gift for saving his life: three whores. After the deed is done, Pod returns and gives Tyrion back the money because the whores refused to take it. So either Podrick is such a skilled lover that prostitutes refused to accept payment for his magnificent sexual prowess, or he didn't go through with it.

Daenerys Makes a Deal

Daenerys is getting conflicting advice from her two advisers, Jorah Mormont and Barristan Selmy. Selmy thinks she needs soldiers who love her and will fight for the cause, but Mormont supports buying the Unsullied because all she needs is numbers who will do whatever she wants.

She decides to buy all 8,000 of the Unsullied, but she doesn't have enough money. So she offers up one of her dragons instead. No one thinks this is a good idea, but she does it anyway and creepy Kraznys agrees. I'm guessing this will end with the dragon frying his ass and going with Daenerys anyway.

Daenerys also wants Missandei, the translator, to come with her. While leaving Daenerys wants to know if Missandei fears death and she simply responds "Valar Morghulis," which means "all men must die." It's also what Jaqen H'ghar said to Arya in the season 2 finale, which makes me think maybe Missandei is the new Jaqen, who was also, in theory, Arya's fencing teacher Syrio Forel. This guy really gets around.

Theon Escapes

Theon, aided by his anonymous friend (who is played by the actor who was Simon on the amazing BBC teen superhero show Misfits), escapes and is told to ride until he meets his sister. He goes, but gets hunted down by some soldiers who knock him off his horse and vow to rape him (what's with all the threats of rape this week?), but he's saved by someone who tells him that "winter is coming." We still have no idea where he is or who took him. Part of me wishes they'd would've just raped and killed Theon and been done with him.

Goodbye, Hot Pie

Arya, Gendry and prisoner Hound go off with the Brotherhood Without Banners, but Hot Pie decides to stay behind and become a baker. His wolf-shaped bread is quite delicious. Maybe he can get cast on the popular Westeros cooking competition Maesterchef.

Melisandre Goes on a Trip

Over at Dragonstone, Stannis wants Melisandre to give him another Shadow Monster baby, but she refuses. She also suggests that in order for him to reclaim the Iron Throne, sacrifices linked to his bloodline will have to be made. I'm fairly certain she's going to murder his children, and he doesn't seem that bothered by this.

North of the Wall

The Night's Watch rest up at Craster's Keep this week, where Samwell watches a Gilly give birth. Unfortunately it's a boy, meaning Craster will want to sacrifice him to the White Walkers. And Mance Rayder sends Jon Snow and others to the Wall to begin the war. All of this stuff North of the Wall is moving quite slowly, so I hope it's setting up for a "Blackwater"-style episode featuring an epic battle.

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(Image courtesy of HBO)