It's here, the big two-hour Dancing with the Stars finale extravaganza.  There will be comedy, dancing, a lot more comedy, a little more dancing, Whitney Houston and then, at the very end, about 10 seconds of actual results.

Dancing with the Stars is down to show biz legend (legend being a code word for old man) Donny Osmond, fan favorite Kelly Osbourne and the rightful winner Mya.  I know Dancing with the Stars is about popularity and voting and an objective measurement of a person's fame, but if it were just about dance, Mya would win.

Everyone's back, and the 13 eliminated couples are introduced.  Based on applause, the audience clearly loves Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Natalie Coughlin and Louie Vito.  Yeah, I assume the applause was for Maks and not Debi Mazar.

The final three arrive, and the applause for Kelly Osbourne is about 200 times louder than for any other person.  She's clearly a sentimental favorite.

Ha!  They show a recap of last night, but there's a technical problem and it cuts to the back of Miss Piggy's head.  Tom Bergeron cuts to commercial.  Ah, live television.

Whitney Houston

This makes me angry.  Whitney is a DIVA and she should not be forced to cater to modern music with deep bass and electronic tuning.  Just give the woman a piano, a violin and let her sing the crap out of something.  She doesn't need dancers and money raining down on her.

The Losers' Club

Jeffrey Ross inducts Ashley Hamilton into the Losers' Club before Ashley, Jeffrey and Edyta Sliwinska do a dance.  The dance isn't funny, but getting to see Kenny Mayne again IS.  That dude is pure comedy gold.

Macy, Kathy and Debi

Macy Gray, Jonathan Roberts, Kathy Ireland, Tony Dovolani, Debi Mazar and Maksim Chmerkovskiy  all do a new dance.  Macy proves why she was the first person gone.  Debi is just OK, mostly because Maks is amazing.  Kathy definitely wins.  Actually, Miss Piggy wins, because after this dance, she gets a rub down from a shirtless Maks.  Lucky pig.

Tom DeLay's Texas Two-Step

Tom gets to do the dance he couldn't because he had to withdraw, and it's as silly and pointless as you'd expect.

Chuck and Mark

Chuck Liddell, Anna Trebunskaya, Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer perform dueling Paso Dobles.  It's a sad reminder that if it weren't for the flu, Mark and Lacey had a real shot at making the finale.

Coach Carolla

Adam Carolla gives Donny Osmond advice to bring the Mirror Ball Trophy back to the men after three seasons of female star winners.  Carolla is very funny, and I fully support him getting more work.

Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo

These two get to perform again and prove that she deserved to be in the finale more than Donny or Kelly.  Honestly, looking back, Natalie, Aaron Carter, Joanna Krupa and Mark Dacascos all deserved to make the finale.

Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas

They get to perform their Dance-Off Salsa and it's fun and easily could've beat Louie Vito or Michael Irvin.  Mark still has more charisma than Donny and he looks like a banana.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis Van Amstel - Week 1 Viennese Waltz

Kelly performs for the judges' final scores, and it's beautiful.  Remember how emotional this dance was way back in week 1?  Thanks to her whole journey on this show, it's 100 times more powerful.  Even the crowd starts chanting her name.  She even makes Carrie Ann Inaba cry.

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - Week 2 Jive

The character work is still as strong as it originally was, but now that they're more comfortable together and she's sharpened her skills, it's even better.  This is funny, sexy and skillful and shows off everything Mya can do.

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - Week 5 Argentine Tango

Honestly, I don't think it's a great idea for them to redo a dance that was so perfect the first time.  You need to be able to show how much you've improved, and this doesn't do it.  I listed all of the finalists repeat dances in my 25 Best Dances of Season 9, but while Mya's was 20th and Kelly's was 15th, Donny's was 3rd.  You can only move up two places, and that ain't gonna happen.  As expected, the dance isn't as good as I remember it being.

Judges' Scores

Just like the Megamix, the judges get to rank the final three.  And once again, the crowd chants Kelly's name.

3rd: Kelly (26 points)
2nd: Mya (28 points)
1st: Donny (30 points)

Seriously?  Heck no!  This is a joke, and I don't know what the judges are smoking.  The final leader board looks like this:

Mya and Dmitry: 115 (34.64 percent)
Donny and Kym: 115 (34.64 percent)
Kelly and Louis: 102 (30.73 percent)

So for Kelly to win, she needs to beat both Mya and Donny in viewer votes by 4 percent, otherwise it's just a straight-up popularity contest between Mya and Donny Osmond.

Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower

Back to the fun, these two dance to "Puppy Love" as sung by Donny Osmond.  When did Dancing with the Stars become a Jewish mother, eagerly trying to play matchmaker.  But they have a real point, because these to are positively adorable.

Jerry Rice vs. Michael Irvin

These two have a Paso Doble dance-off, and since I know nothing about football, I could not care less.  They're playing for the Mirror Ball Ring, and I say Anna Trebunskaya deserves it.

Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff

They do their Muppet-inspired Quickstep, and once again, my mixture of hatred for Aaron and love for the Muppets confuses me and makes me feel conflicted.

Joanna Krupa vs. Cloris Leachman, Jerry Springer and Steve Wozniak

These four compete ina Mambo Marathon that's all comedy.  Steve does the Worm, everyone but Joanna sucks, and it's clear this only exists to mock Derek Hough's infamous head bobbing move.  They do it, but this time, it's Joanna who bobs Derek's head.  It's funny in an absurd way, but I loved these two so much that I actually just wanted to see Joanna and Derek dance, not do comedy.

Whitney Houston, Again

Stop playing such loud music and let her sing!  I can't decide if Whitney is still an A-list diva, or if she's someone who could potentially be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.  Sadly, watching her in this performance, I think the second one is the correct answer.

Results

Finishing in 3RD PLACE are...KELLY OSBOURNE AND LOUIS VAN AMSTEL.

Sad, but expected.  But in the hearts of many fans, these two are definitely winners.

Finishing in 2ND PLACE are...MYA AND DMITRY CHAPLIN

DONNY OSMOND AND KYM JOHNSON WIN DANCING WITH THE STARS!

Sigh.  Congratulations, Donny Osmond, you're more popular than Mya.  That's quite an accomplishment.


More Dancing with the Stars Finale Coverage:
Final Performance Show Recap
Best and Worst Dances from the Finale
The Best Dances of Season 9
Why Donny Shouldn't Win
Which DWTS Judge Are You?
Which DWTS Celeb Are You?
Who is Your Professional DWTS Partner?



(Image courtesy of ABC)