This week Rachel is the Big Brother 12
HoH. Again. So get out your life vests, floaters, because it's going to be a bumpy week.
It's no secret that I've grown to strongly dislike Rachel over the past
few weeks. Like a shot of tequila, she's OK the first time, but too much
and you're on the floor. Never mind the annoying attempt at being a
cute, fun party girl (which come across, to me, as desperate pleas for
attention), my real problem is her hypocrisy.
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Rachel claims she wants a serious game player to win this season and she doesn't want floaters in the house. However, she told Julie Chen that she'd choose Brendon over the $500,000 prize, meaning she cares less about the game than she does about her doomed showmance.
But it's time to look on the bright side. I've come up with six helpful tips on not going insane with rage this week for all you other Rachel haters out there. Hopefully focusing on these six strategies will make this week fly by quickly.Enjoy the Rachel vs. Kristen Fights
The fur will fly this week thanks to the rivalry between Rachel and Kristen. Within a few hours of Rachel winning HoH she'd already engaged in several heated verbal arguments with Kristen, with both claiming that they're taking the high road. In addition, when Rachel got her HoH key, Kristen refused to go up and see her room.
It was cold and, though possibly stupid, refreshing. The idiotic tradition of everyone going upstairs to "ooh" and "aah" over a bunch of crap they don't care about is always painfully disingenuous, making it something I can't stand.Acknowledge Her Strengths
As much as I find Rachel annoying, I will acknowledge that she does have assets. Winning both of the mental HoH competitions is impressive because, sadly, most HoH competitions are those types of random luck games. She went up in the Knockout competition more times than anyone and still won. If she simply spent a quarter of the time not being annoying as she does studying challenges and things in the house to prepare for competitions, she would be Janelle.Take a Shot Every Time She Mentions Vegas
Alternate drinking game rules include taking a shot every time she refers to Brendon as "my man" and chugging every time she tells someone that she and Brendon are in a relationship, not a showmance. However you play, the game will definitely get you so drunk that you won't even care how annoying Rachel is.No Schmammy, No Schmammy, STOP!
What annoys me most about Rachel is that she thinks she's cute, like how she refers to getting drunk as being "schmammered" or "schmammied." This isn't adorable despite the fact that she thinks she's the world's most awesome party girl. So now, every time she says it, I act like I'm on Press Your Luck
and scream out, "Big bucks, big bucks, no schmammy, no schmammy, STOP!" Sadly, Rachel winning HoH was the Whammy, so this week on Big Brother 12 is like a roller skating little red devil that slams into a try and steals all of my money.Start a "Free Brendon" Campaign
I'm torn on Brendon, because his devotion to Andrew was really idiotic, as his decision to enter into a relationship with Rachel. But then there are times in the house, usually when Rachel gets drunk, where she starts acting like an emotionally unstable trainwreck and he needs to talk her off a ledge. He's trapped in a very bad relationship like that guy who brought his girlfriend onto the VH1 show Tool Academy
. At least when they're out of the house the likelihood of them staying together is virtually zero percent.Study Big Brother History
In the history of Big Brother
only two other HGs have won two of the first four HoHs. One was Janelle during the All-Stars season and she made it to the final three. The other was Jessie last season, and he was evicted in week 5. So there's a good chance that Rachel will follow Jessie's example and be evicted next week.
So stay strong, Brigade lovers. Maybe next week Rachel and Brendon will finally be split up and the national nightmare will come to an end.(Image courtesy of CBS)