At this point, I will be watching Bachelor Pad 2
just to confirm my scientific hypothesis that it is the worst show ever made, and to report my findings back to you so you don't have to suffer through it alone. It's important work we're doing here. Together.
I had a few meager hopes that the Bachelor Pad
brass would tweak the show to make it, if not just a tad enjoyable, at least decent
in the "so bad it's good" entertainment arena. But here are five signs that Bachelor Pad
season 2, which premieres August 8, will be just as bad as the original:1. They've officially cast Jake Pavelka as a contestant.
Here's photographic proof (courtesy of EW)
of Jake out on his first Bachelor Pad
with his eskimo brother Brad Womack's sloppy seconds, Jackie. Jake is
the first former Bachelor(ette) to allow himself to be demoted
from the star to a common contestant,
which somehow just feels ... wrong. Wronger than usual. Not only that, but last year Jake
appeared on Bachelor Pad
as a judge on the final challenge. He's gone from "on the wings of love" to "trapped in a glass case of demotion
." If Jake's lack of dignity and complete disregard for the natural order are any indication, Bachelor Pad
2 will be just as devoid of logic and standards, and Jake will be its re-breakout star. Shudder.
2. The buzz about the show is already all about Jake and Vienna's "reunion" and how messy it's going to get.
Which means that will be the main focus of the show until one or both of them gets voted off or kills the other. (I vote for the latter, in a Hunger Games
-esque death match "game," please.) Let's hope that happens early, because I'd rather witness an actual train wreck from inside the train
than sit through an entire season of fights like this one again. 3. Jake and Vienna are not the only formerly engaged Bachelor couple on the show. Holly Durst and Michael Stagliano are reportedly also going
against every rational notion of what is healthy and shacking up with their almost-to-the-altar ex for the shot at $250,000. If I wanted to watch people who used to be engaged fight over money, I'd watch Judge Judy
. Which I already do, because that show is great, because Judge Judy doesn't suffer FOOLS who play GAMES. Which is, as we know, the entire premise of Bachelor Pad.
4. They cast Gia Allemand again. Oh good grief.
If they have no problem recasting cast members, does that mean they don't mind recycling game and challenge ideas? It better not, because if there's another kissing contest or "quiz" game with questions like, "Who has the worst boob job?" then ... then ... I honestly don't know what I'll do. Probably spontaneously combust.5. This just does not bode well:
Yep, that's Bachelor
creator Mike Fleiss hyping up his spinoff show on Twitter
. In my experience, if he's "8 exclamation points" excited, then we should be "8 exclamation points" afraid.
What feelings are you feeling about the return of Bachelor Pad
? Excited? Scared? Nauseated? I'm feeling them all. But please, don't even launch those "If you hate it so much, why are you watching it?" arguments at me. You know full well this is my job and that hating things can be very, very fun. Which is why, even though I just gave you five reasons not to watch, I hope you'll tune in so we can make fun of it together. I mean, you guys, c'mon
. It's Jake Pavelka, whose hobbies include playing a serial killer on Youtube
and running a restaurant with Heidi Montag
, we're talking about here.