It's makeover time on America's Next Top Model
! O, happy day!
And as if the day isn't stressful enough on Tyra's models-to-be, some within their ranks decide to pull a simple yet twisted prank to get the rest of the girls riled up before their time in the hair chair.
Who flourished and who flopped in their fallen angels photo shoot? Keep reading ...
First, some character from Newsies
pops by the Top Model house to announce that it's National "Let's Talk About Farts" Day.
"Is this where you fart? La la la where's Christian Bale?"
Actually, that's just Tyra asking about all the models' farts (as mentors do), and actually, it's just Makeover Day. Wait, I mean: IT'S MAKEOVER DAYAHHH!!!!!!!!
Lexie, Ann and Rhianna decide to pull a "prank" ("I'm really into pranks." - Lexie, 18) and write out a list of each girl in the house and her makeover. Dun dun DUNNN. It's the MASH game of pranks. They casually drop the list on the floor of the house as though Tyra accidentally let it slip out from under one of her Wallstreet 2: Money Never Sleeps
suspenders. Or maybe it flew out from under her hat during her 1991 runway walk?
Liz finds the "Hair Agenda" (and if we want to talk about what Tyra really would have named it, which we do, the paper clearly should have read "Ty-Do List: Hair-GENDAH") and reads it to all the girls in the house. Lexie lends a little legitimacy to the prank by writing in the worst makeover for herself ("sewn-in strawberry blonde afro") and then throwing a dramatic crying fit about it.
Sorry girl, they don't give out Emmys to reality TV contestants. (At least not until 2012.)
Lexie's a real s***-stirrer, which is great for TV but I think it would bug me if I knew her in "real life." Maybe I should tell her that when I talk to her after she gets eliminated! But probably not. And I actually really got a kick out of her fake hissy fit about her fake list. At least she's keeping things interesting.
Ann, bless her tall awkward heart, starts to feel bad about the prank: "People started getting really freaked out by it." Meanwhile, Lexie momentarily forgets she's on TV: "We're never telling anybody." HAHA. Don't you know that Tyra is all-knowing and all-seeing? So of course the prank gets brought up at panel, but no one really cares anymore and no one gets in trouble, which is a big fat let-down, because this season has a drama-deficiency so far and I might pass out if I don't see some bitches sink their claws into each other over insignificant childish bullhonkey soon. But now we're getting off track. Because ... It's
Remember a couple seasons ago when Tyra decided to rename the makeovers as "Ty-Overs"? I can't believe that didn't stick and even get changed in the dictionary because it was just the best, most brilliant change to a word ever made.
I ranked the makeovers
and gave my take a couple days ago, but now that I see them on film a couple things have come to light. Like who knew that Tyra was going to get Chelsey's teeth shaved so her gap would be bigger? That is just bananas, but at least Chelsey rolls with it. "Who cares! Shave off ALL my teeth if you want, Tyra! I hate eating, anyway." (Model talk.)
Speaking of bananas: Kayla's hair is just SOOO RED. Like, ridiculous red. But I still think she pulls it off. Even though the missus isn't gonna like this: "My girlfriend had two stipulations: Don't come home with red hair and don't come home bald. So I might be single after this." CALL ME! (I would go gay for Kayla. Probably.)
Even though Liz and Terra don't like their shorter cuts, I think they both wear them well. Everyone else gets some version of "longer and darker" or "longer and lighter," and I feel vindicated that Jay agrees with me that Lexie's mousey makeover is actually a makeunder, or at most a make-totheside. But what are they gonna do, put her in the chair again and admit their mistake? Nope. This is a "WWTGD?" situation, Lexie. ("What Would Tim Gunn Do?")
As much as I'd like to believe that my opinion is the only one that matters on this show (when really it's the opposite), the Jays are the ones who must decide today whose weave they can believe in, and who got bleached into oblivion. After all the chopping and the sewing and the dying and the shaving off of teeth
has finished, and each girl has attempted to rock her new look in a wife-beater and a baby's swimming diaper, the Jays hit them with unhappy news: Someone is going home. Right now. For seemingly no reason except that the filming schedule demands it. And that someone is Terra, because she failed the secret test of pretending to like your makeover even if you don't.
Bye, Terra! At least you got a good haircut before you left. Not that you agree.
So pretty. So sad.
No time to mourn the deaditorial
, because ...
It's TYRA MAIL time!
Tyra Mail should just be renamed "That's What She Said" Mail: "It's one thing to get on top. But can you stay there?" Photo Shoot
A magical gayngel with big black wings appears to the girls to explain that in today's photo shoot they will each play a fallen angel who embodies a different emotion. Or a concept. Or really just any old word that is difficult or near impossible to concentrate on when you're hanging in a harness with crow feathers taped to your face. The gayngel also gets displeased if you assume that he is a bird instead of a gayngel. Because this show is nothing if not nuanced.
"A BIRD? WHAT, BECAUSE I AM WEARING WINGS?"
To help the girls achieve their fallen angel expressions, sexy boys in black mankinis will stand in the sand and look longingly up at them. I mean, who wouldn't want to bang these sexy fallen angels????
Except NOT looking good, ladies, because only Kayla, Chelsey, Chris and Ann seem to do just alright, while everyone does across-the-board AWFUL in the photo shoot. Lexie is lucky the photographer doesn't get a feedback card to send to Tyra, because it would read "She probably shouldn't model. Her whole body isn't right for it." Because that is word for word what she said about Lexie. Judging Panel
First of all, Tyra's hair is so big she has to hold it back to kiss the wizard.
Secondly, funny story: The CW released all the girls' final photos on their press site last week, and most of them were so terrible that I assumed they were candids and put them up
. Hahaha, yikes! Unintentional BURN. But at least I'm not alone in thinking these final shots are gross and lazy. The girls even got to pick their own words! Why didn't they each just pick a synonym for "dead'? Even "dead" would be better than "power/victorious." You know that's a noun and
an adjective that actually have significantly different definitions, right? Ugh, whatever.
Here's a sampler platter of the judges' overall disappointment with the girls:"No passion for fashion."
"It's flat. Not model or high fashion."
"Not one frame looked predatorial."
"Were you all watching and copying each other?"
"No aspiration and no inspiration."
"You're better than this."
But are you? Better than this? It's kind of hard to say at this point.Elimination
So on a "normal" Top Model
elimination day (like those exist), Ann
's final shot would earn her a respectable passing grade, no more, no less. But today is a "grading on a curve" day at Top Model HQ, so it earns her best photo for the second week in a row. Kayla
is runner-up. Again. OH THE SUSPENSE! But at the same time: Yay, these two are my favorites. And yes, they are clearly the best. Unfortunately, that's not saying much today.
Chris and Chelsey did well enough to get called next. And the rest of the girls are shamed and then readmitted to Top Model Academy until only two remain: Lexie and Sara
Tyra decides to keep Lexie
around, and in doing delivers a lesson by saying the best thing she's ever said to anybody, ever:
"You chose predatorial. You didn't even give us editorial. You gave us deadatorial."
That is simply incredible. It's INCREDITORIAL.
Oops, bye Sara
! Sorry about your albino-brows.
A beauty shoot in a waterless tank with slimy sea creatures. I'm already pounding my fists on the table chanting, "Gi-ant squid! Gi-ant squid!"And, for REAL this time:
Tomorrow I'm chatting with Terra and Sara. Have any questions for them? Leave them in the comments ASAP. And check back tomorrow for my photo rankings. That's gonna be a bloodbath.
(Images courtesy of the CW)