Tonight on America's Next Top Model
: The final five get down and dirty, first in a Hobbit hole and then with heavy clay in their hair.
It's the second to last episode of the season, and the pressure is on for each girl to deliver her best yet. And can you BELIEVE this cycle is almost over? I can't believe I'm saying this, but I've enjoyed ALT's crazy-talk and Angelea's antics and Krista's words of wisdom so thoroughly that this cycle has flown by. All these elements, combined with the sheer ridiculousness of pretty much every photo shoot, has made this season so special. Sniff. And yes, I shall miss Tyra's rainbow of judging jumpsuits most of all.But let's not get ahead of ourselves. We've still got some of New Zealand to vicariously explore! Down the Hobbit hole we go with Cycle 14 Episode 9, "Hobbits vs. Models":
To start us off ... FIRRRRRRE!!!
Jessica, a mother
, decides to make tacos and, in her infinite non-wisdom (but who needs wisdom when you've got infinite cuteness ... oh wait, when you're a mother
), puts her taco shells on top of the toaster, and sets them aflame. (Her response: "Who knew?")
Which brings us to our pop quiz of the evening:
You accidentally set your taco shells on fire (eww, no, that is not a euphemism!) by setting them on top of the toaster. What do you do?
A) Scream and jump up and down until the fire gets scared and runs away
B) Throw more flammable materials on top of the fire to overindulge it, hoping it dies of obesity
C) Throw water onto the electrical appliance, ideally while also sticking your fingers inside
D) All of the above
I think we all know which choice Jessica (who, once again, is somebody's GUARDIAN) went with. And, of course, Krista was there to distill the real lesson
from the whole situation:
Mister Jay meets the girls in Hobbiton with Sarah McLeod, the actress who played Samwise Gamgee's wife, aka the actress who barely acted at all in the Lord of the Rings
and had very little bearing on the actual plot of the films--but that doesn't matter, because only nerds like me who own the director's cut box set would even notice/care. This show is on a budget, these models ain't nerds, but I'm still peeved. Adding to my peevedness:
Angelea hasn't even SEEN The Lord of the Rings
? Are you kidding
me? In the words of Glee
's Sandy Ryerson: "Who's Josh Groban [The Lord of the Rings
]? KILL YOURSELF!"
Anyway, the girls have five photos each to get fierce inside a Hobbit hole (haha, that's what she said) and work within the rather awkward space rather than in front of it. And these girls ain't no hobbits. Especially our resident giantess, Alexandra:
Surprise, surprise: Krista wins the challenge.
Later, Alex and Krista talk about how Raina, with her "bubbles and cakes" (and, evidently, persistent heartburn) personality is getting on their nerves--especially her catchphrase:
"OH MYLANTA!"Tyra and Mister Jay meet the girls for their "high concept" photo shoot which will put clay in their hair and ask them to convey "shadowy secrets." And, as simply must happen at least once every season, Tyra is tonight's photographer.
Her repeated use of this exclamation might make us all want to buy 500 boxes of Raina's favorite acid indigestion product, pour them into an Olympic size swimming pool and then make her swim laps in it until she promises to never say it again, but at least if this Top Model
thing doesn't work out, she's got one fashion campaign IN THE BAG:Photo Shoot:
And who WOULDN'T want this woman using her artistic discretion and eye for appropriateness and beauty to create the perfect photo?
I know Jessica's excited:
F***ing kill me.
As is Raina:
Alexandra impressed Tyra with her ability to decipher Tyra's direction to "think about secrets you're about to tell because you trust, but you're not sure" into her photo.
Jessica looked too sweet and pretty for Ty-Ty, who said she "was wondering how a virgin made a baby."
Raina wasn't thrilled about being topless with ropes wrapped around her torso and disappointed Tyra, who said she "gave Siberian husky, but not wolf."
Angelea did her best when she played dead, and looked "sweet, soft ... and blah."
As the sun set on a photoshoot all about lighting, Krista got the short end of the stick, but she managed to impress Tyra the most with her diverse, striking poses. "You are the cheetah with a secret!"Elimination:
Joined by Sarah McLeod, the judging panel once again awarded KRISTA
first photo call-out for her artsy beauty shot, which Andre Leon Talley said could have been on the cover of old-timey (1920s-1940s) photography magazine "Vu." We can always rely on him for the most relevant, timely references.ALEXANDRA
earned second call-out for her vulnerable, beautiful photo, which Andre said made her look like a girl from Istanbul:ANGELEA
got third call-out, which left RAINA
in the bottom two:
And, no surprise, Jessica got the boot. Tyra called her too-commercial look the "kiss of death" on Top Model,
but urged her to go out there and prove them all wrong as an edgy model. I was smitten with Jessica early on, but as the season went on, she seemed stuck in a downward spiral of inspiration, so--as much as I hate to admit it--I think Tyra made the right call. But don't feel too sorry for Jessica: a girl that beautiful should have NO trouble booking jobs.Next Week:
It's the TWO HOUR FINALE! After an elegant outdoor couture shoot that looks taken out of Helena Bonham Carter's closet, the final four will turn into the final TWO, who will compete in the final runway show for renowned designer Anna Sui.
Are you sad to see Jessica go? Stoked about next week's finale? Who of the four finalists--Angelea, Krista, Alexandra and Raina--do you see becoming America's Next Top Model