HhhAAAMMmph. HHhhAAwwwrrrrggh. PpppppffffAAAwwhhhhhAAArgh!
Oops! Sorry, everyone. I just really needed to cough up that boulder-sized hairball before explaining to you what went down during tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model
: an episode so
full of joy and stupidity and mega-tons of hair, hair, HAIR! that some of that hair actually transformed into electrons that traveled through my TV and into my gaping mouth (perma-aghast at tonight's ANTM
amazingness), where they then transmogrified back into real hair and lodged in my throat, collecting in a ball of hair-residue happiness that I have now graciously hawked up all over you
, so you too can enjoy its many gifts.
And those gifts come in the form of many humorous photos and captions from tonight's Star Wars Episode 7: Revenge of Chewbacca's Ugly Stepsisters
special edition episode of America's Next Top Model."Big Hair Day," indeed: Model Challenge:
Do you watch Ru Paul's Drag Race
If you said "Yes," I say: "Let's be friends, because it's the best, and if you like it that means YOU are the best." The transitive property: not just for nerds anymore!
If you said "No," I say: "Wha-wha-WHAAAAAAAAAA?" Stop reading, go watch all ten hours or whatever of Season 2 on LOGO.com right now, and then join me back here so we can discuss how Raven is so pretty and Jujubee is so sassy and Tyra Sanchez is so hilarious, so HOW DO I DECIDE WHO SHOULD WIN??!
The reason I bring up Ru Paul and her Drag Race of Dreams is that tonight's ANTM
challenge, hosted by Whitney "I'm on a
Scripted Video Diary Called The City
" Port and Pat "My Last Name is Actually a City" Cleveland, took place at a Drag Cabaret.
No, Whitney. "Drag queen." Not simply drag.
It was almost like my two favorites reality competition TV shows that pit angry, fastidiously groomed "women" against each other and are hosted by a catchphrase-crazy megalomaniac were MELDING TOGETHER AS ONE!
After telling the girls to "embody their essence" (haha, seriously) Pat accompanied the models, wearing "Whitney's" "designs," to the cabaret, which included a lifelike Tyra Banks DRAG QUEEN host!
Oh, wait. That's Angelea. My bad. (To my credit: She gets that a lot.) Here
This fake Tyra was disappointing because:
A) She was NOT the amazing Tyra Sanchez, "the other Tyra," who has been burning up the stage on Ru Paul's Drag Race
all season with her miraculously
bad fashion choices, and
B) She messed up Tyra's signature line! It's "I have four photos in my hands,"
NOT, "In my hands I have 4 photos,"
you ... you ... inaccurate imitator! Time to take on your true calling as the other Jennifer Hudson.
The Challenge: Walk the runway and impress the audience with your infectious personality. Or, in Zoolander terms: A WALK-OFF.
Each girl's walk received color commentary from none other than Miss J, the sequin- skullcapped sparrow of the Moulin Rouge.
Everyone did their best "sizzle, sizzle" stomp, twirl, sashay and smirk combo, except Anslee, who walked down the runway like it was the Trail of a Thousand Tears, (or, in J's words, "like she smelled burnt garbage") and made everyone in the audience roll their eyes in disappointment and scientific discovery:
"So THAT'S what a crushed soul looks like!"
Krista pulled out her trump card, "the living mannequin," which I like to think was also an homage
to Tyra Banks' illustrious acting role in the 2000 Disney film Life-Size
Little did any of us watching at the time know that a mere ten years later, Lindsay Lohan would be prepping for its sequel, Life-Suck.
ANYWAY, Krista was crowned the winner for her off-the-charts fierceness, which I wish were just figurative terms I made up to describe this situation, but are actually oh-so-literal:Photo Shoot:
On the morning of the photo shoot, Alasia was running late again, so the girls went down the elevator and bitched about her in their white stretch limo (what a life, woof!
) while she futilely attempted to make the elevator work by pressing the button over and over, repeating the mantra "It's not workin', it's not workin', it's not workin' " and KNOCKING ON THE ELEVATOR DOOR. Knocking on the elevator door!!!!
I just ... cannot emphasize this enough.
She knocked. On. THE ELEVATOR DOOR.
Maybe if I headbutt it with my hair-helmet, it will open..
After Alasia discovered a thing called STAIRS and made it to the limo, they got to the photo shoot on time, where they met Jay Manuel and his special friends, two hair stylists named Derek J and "Weaven Steven," who calls himself "The Baddest White boy in the Hair Business!"
(LOL) and whose badass attitude definitely supports that superlative claim:
The girls split into teams with the two hair stylists, who would be styling their hair-hair and ALSO their dress-hair because, oh yeah, this photo shoot is about selling hair outfits.
Jay's explanation: "Tyra's always talking about how you need to create your own wind in the
hair, so why not model clothes made completely out of hair?" Uhhhhh. Okay? Neither parts of that sentence make sense or relate to each other. Although, that's what I'm used to with ANTM
, so +10 for consistency in your inconsistent logic!
But -1,000,000 for making Angelea into Bride of Sasquatch-stein
Where did all of this hair come from, anyway? A million sacrificial Barbie dolls? Blackmarket Locks of Love donations? Dead (white) people
I prefer to think that before this photo shoot, Tyra sent the girls out to collect the hair that would then become their couture, and Raina got hers by skinning Debra Messing.
Despite their "pubic evening gowns" (here I come, #1 Google result for the creepiest term in the world!) most of the models managed to look model-y, except Alexandra, who looked like pregnant Cousin It playing with a hula hoop.
The hair was so musky and pungent that, even after they took it off, a werewolf followed the models home:(No, it's just Alasia. My Bad #2.)
Another day, another full-body Spanx for Ms. Banks.
Before any judging could commence, the panel got verrrry
sleepy, and so pulled out pillows to take a quick "power nap" (except Andre Leon Talley, who was not given a pillow and was forced to fold up his orange silk cape into a fashion-forward head rest), and then a hot guy dressed as a shepherd came out and told the judges to count sheep to fall asleep, and then some sheep came out on leashes and walked the runway, and then the room set on fire and was engulfed in a haze of crappy video-editing skills:
And then clouds with the letter Z in them fell from the sky, and everybody was like, "Whuuuuuuuu? Is this real life, or am I on a cheesy reality show in its fourteenth season that is running out of ideas but NEVER out of puns?"
And then Tyra practiced her wannabe-Oprah yell: "You're going to New ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEA-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!"
"... But only six of you.
After looking through the Sexy Yetis 2010 Swimsuit Calendar,
the judges named KRISTA
the winner for her cheek bones + Grace Jones + Jimmy Neutron hybrid.
got second call-out, but only God knows why, except He doesn't, because this is one shower-drain hair wad He'd never
take credit for creating:
It came down to ANSLEE
"Stern and Strong" Grumpy-Gills against ALEXANDRA
"Clompedy Clomp" Pretty-Pony-Needs-Some-Training in the bottom two. Both had been there before, and held hands in suckage solidarity.
Deciding a perceived "lack of desire" was better than a lack of pretty much everything else
, Tyra saved Alex and kicked Anslee out the door. Next Week:
Krista and Angelea fly first-class to New Zealand while the rest of the girls slum it in coach. Then: go-sees in Hobbitown, and a photo shoot with MORE SHEEP!