Last night's anticlimactic finale of America's Got Talent
was seen by over 12 million people, but I'm sure only a fraction of them were happy to see Neal E. Boyd run off with the grand prize. I'm still upset that the snooze-inducing opera singer beat out worthier acts like Nuttin But Stringz and Eli Mattson, and it's impossible to convince me that the result wasn't fixed by the producers. While simmering in my giant pot of anger, I decided to look back on the past season of AGT
and find the five most bizarre performances of the season. Unlike last night's results, rewatching these weirdos brought a big smile to face.
Pull up a chair and read on to see clips of the most memorably insane acts of the past season.
5) The Vampire Twins Denounce George Clooney
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Indiggo is a duo so bizarre that one "g" just isn't enough for them. The Romanian twins first baffled the judges by shouting a version of "New York, New York" in the audition rounds, which was apparently enough to help them advance to the top 40. It was during the semi-finals that the vampire twins sang an original composition called "I Don't Need No Georgie Clooney." It's a touching ode to women everywhere who have no need for the debonair star of such films as Return of the Killer Tomatoes
and The Peacemaker
. There are no words to describe it.
4) A Naughty Tart Shoots Sparks
Only in America would the ability to shoot sparks from between ones legs be considered a talent. Well, I suppose it'd be a legitimate talent if someone could do it without any tools or special effects. I'd happily pay money to see that. One person I would not pay money to see is Miss Pussykatt, the 27-year-old bartender who brought her "grinding act" to the AGT
stage. Using an industrial grinder and some metal plating covering her naughty bits, Miss Pussykatt shocked the judges by rhythmically shooting sparks to the Pulp Fiction
soundtrack. "You have sparked my interest," First Mate Hoffmael told her. It's an act you have to see to believe.
3) Pedophilia on the High Seas
Elite's act always creeped me out. I guess I'm supposed to feel the thrill of female empowerment while watching the 10-year-old girl beat up adult men, but it just makes me feel like I'm watching some sort of deranged musical about pedophiles. Elite's first appearance on the show found her pretending to kick her father's ass (subtext = creepy), but her performance in the semi-finals was even weirder. That's when Elite starred in Pirates of the Caribbean 4: The Revenge of Lil' Jackie Sparrow
. Check it out for yourself:
2) Giant Cans Versus Tiny Cans
If you're born with the name Busty Heart, I suppose it's your destiny to grow up and use your freakishly giant breasts to get ahead in life. That's exactly what Miss Heart attempted to do during the America's Got Talent
auditions, where she showed up and put her silicone-filled funbags to good use. I believe Busty Heart missed her true calling as a Bond villain, which would have allowed her to truly indulge her thirst for destruction. Don't you think she'd win in a fight against Daniel Craig?
1) A Seven-Foot-Tall Bald Man Horrifies the World
George the Giant proved himself to be a one-trick monstrosity in the semi-finals, but somehow his gross-out act impressed the judges during the auditions. In the most ick-inducing moment of the season, George wrapped a tube around a confused young girl, shoved it up one of his nostrils, yanked it out the other, then proceeded to drink milk from it. As if that's not unpleasant enough, he then ripped off his shirt and set off a series of fireworks on his stomach. His act kind of encapsulates the entirety of America's Got Talent
. It starts out somewhat interesting, quickly turns horrifying, then leaves you wondering why the hell you're still watching when it comes to an anticlimactic conclusion.
- Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
Video Source: YouTube
(Image courtesy of NBC)