'American Idol' Season 9: Atlanta Auditions, Live Thoughts
'American Idol' Season 9: Atlanta Auditions, Live Thoughts
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
American Idol got off to a big start with over 30 million viewers last night, and in the second audition episode, we're off to the dirty south in a little place called Hotlanta.  Your regular recapper, Abbey Simmons, is out today celebrating her 29th birthday, probably sobbing over the fact that she's no longer eligible to be the next American Idol.

Last night we got siblings with Down Syndrome, a grandma with Alzheimer's, shattered wrists and a guy with cancer, so as you can imagine, it was a barrelful of laughs.  Maybe Atlanta and guest judge Mary J. Blige will liven things up.  Surely she's going to be more useful than David Beckham's wife.

Ryan welcomes us to Hotlanta, his hometown and the city that gave us Fantasia, Clay Aiken and Jennifer Hudson.  It's accompanied by a childhood photo of Ryan that made me scream out "NERD!"  Also, to make things more complicated, it takes a 27-floor elevator ride to get to the judges.  Sadly, there's no elevator attendant to ask rejected contestants, "Going down?"

Dewone Robinson
The first guy up is allegedly related to some big-time MoTown singers.  It's fairly obvious from the start this is going to be a disaster, and it is, especially when he sings an original composition.  It's basically a duet written for one.  That's a huge red flag.  Simon wastes plenty of time humoring him, but the other judges finally give up and boot him.  If you're going to waste my time, at least entertain me.

Keia Johnson
She immediately gets on my bad side by wearing bright yellow pants, and continues by competing in beauty pageants and claiming she'll sing "the Titanic song."  The highlight is probably Mary J. Blige saying the girl won "Miss Congeal-iality."  Seriously, Mary did NOT put an "N" in there and made it sound like something that forms on the top of pudding.  She sings OK, but I'm not very blown away.  She's still the first Atlanta auditioner to go to Hollywood.

Good Girl Montage
Three women good enough to make it to Hollywood, but not interesting enough to get their own segment.

Jermaine Sellers
In case you thought all the medical issues were on last night, along comes Jermaine, who takes care of his mom, who has spina bifida.  Are the auditions this season taking place in Dr. House's waiting room?  He's pretty good and the judges praise the heck out of him.  However, Randy Jackson adds a few fake "illiion" words before his "Yes," which is typically a bad sign.  Trust me, you don't want a million, kajillion percent "Yes," you just want a regular "Yes.".    No one who gets overly praised ever wins.  Just check out my proof HERE.

Christy Marie Agronow
This girl is waaaaaay too bubbly.  She's kind like a modern version of Tracy Turnblad.  She's not very good at all and afterwards she proves how deluded she is. 

Sadness in an Elevator Montage
It seems like the elevator was only put there for this montage of losers going down, looking sad.

Vanessa Wolfe
She's a bridge jumper from rural Tennessee who has no life and desperately wants to get out of her lame small town.  She doesn't want the judges to look down on her, but as far I'm concerned, the fact that a reality show is her only possible escape plan for her small town is what makes me look down on her.  The judges love her country vibe and singing and put her through.  I momentarily have a horrifying flash of Kevin Skinner, that painfully untalented country singer dude who won America's Got Talent.

She's excited about riding on an "aeroplane" (pronounced "arrow plane"), and my blue state, liberal side is boiling.  Many people will love her.  I am not, nor will I ever be, one of those people.  I don't care if it makes me an elitist snob, you're not allowed to say "arrow plane" unless you're being ironic.


(Image courtesy of FOX)