'American Idol' Results: Elton John Eliminates Two Contestants, Indirectly
'American Idol' Results: Elton John Eliminates Two Contestants, Indirectly
Some of the American Idol contestants are really starting to come into their own, and the viewers are choosing their favorites. I do think we're still at the point where a good performance can save or destroy a person despite their fan base, though. This week, the contestants sang Elton John songs, and a lot of them had very long titles. Then I ranked them, placing Scotty McCreery in the #1 spot because I just felt like it and it's my opinion and this is America and because of that you don't have to agree with me ever if you don't want to.

Finally, I made predictions about who might be going home, but really I have no idea because I've been so wrong so many times already. I did figure out that Paul McDonald sounds like a cross between James Blunt and Adam Sandler singing "Lunch Lady Land," though. It was a small victory. I hope you didn't miss the performances this week, because Haley was actually pretty good and James Durbin lit a piano on fire. I said that like anyone only watches the results shows and not the performances. If that applies to you, you're doing it wrong!

This episode's dramatic opening starts with fingers on a piano, tinkling away the final moments for two of our Top 11. This is the most fun they've had in post all week. The piano promises us that we "won't believe who's going home." They're probably right. I may even refuse to believe it and write about performances that never happened next week.

55 million votes came in last night, but Ryan still wants us to feel guilty. Everyone looks pretty good this week (especially Jennifer, as usual), except Casey, who's just wearing a hoodie like a bro. Fantasia is here tonight, along with Will.I.Am and Jamie Foxx with their new song from Rio. Ugh and ugh with their new ugh from ugh.

Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery start things off with a duet, and while it sounds really nice, they aren't really selling us with the acting. Scotty keeps looking just past Lauren and shaking his head because that's probably what he saw in the one movie he was allowed to watch when he was a kid. I'd like to reiterate that they sounded great, though.

ScottyandLaurenduet.jpgOnce they finish singing, Ryan brings them up front for some immediate results. Real time! Do you think Scotty will ever drop the y and just be Scott? We'll ponder that for another week. Scotty and Lauren are safe from what Ryan is calling "this harsh elimination."

Before two of them go home, the Top 11 have a "special message" for us but it's about finding some secret icons. I bet when you do you can watch a special preview of Rio or something. The Ford Music video was kind of cute this week; it was about some of the contestants being superheroes until big dumb Scotty McCreery saves his own butt with the Ford Focus!

Scottysaveshisownbutt.jpgThen all the Idols, including Scotty, were like, "Good job, Scotty!"  If anything, this commercial made me realize what an attractive couple Paul and Pia would make.

James has received a lot of fan mail, he'd like you to know. Someone made him a custom wrestling belt because the wrestling thing is still something we're harping on.

Naima and Jacob sing a duet next and it's pretty much weird and not great. It was like a bad lounge act with their swaying and cheesy gesturing. Also, the fact that they were singing "Solid as a Rock" didn't help. It just reminded me of an SNL sketch.

SolidasJacobandNaima.jpgDIM THE LIGHTS, THOUGH! Naima seems relaxed, and Jacob seems verklempt. Jacob is safe, Naima is in danger. So far, I believe these results.

Fantasia asks the audience if it's OK if we take it back old school Idol, to which I feel ambivalent. I'd like to take Fantasia's performance as an opportunity to remind everyone of Fantasia For Real. Do you think that's her real hair or something she just clipped onto the top of her head?

Fantasiahairpiece2.jpgWho cares? She has been on a JOURNEY. Because of that journey, Fantasia preached to the remaining contestants, speaking as quickly as possible.

The contestants don't know who performs next! It's just like Miss America! So Haley, Pia and Thia perform "Teenage Dream" next, and if I could I would put this performance in the bottom three. Or the garbage. It's just dreadful. It is not the right song for any of them, and if anything it just reminded me why I didn't like Haley before. Did anyone else notice that Thia didn't get a solo in that number?

Time for results, after what Ryan called "so much fun." Yuck. Pia is safe, Thia is in the bottom three, and Haley is safe. Can it be that we predicted things correctly? To rub it in two people's faces, we took a look at the "rockstar lifestyle they'll have to leave behind." I wish they'd do a clip package about how their mansion was haunted. They got "rained out" from the mansion, not ghosted out. But Lauren fell down the stairs and that was comical.

The best part of the package was Casey's further reaction to his receiving the Save. He really seems like a sweet guy.

The American Idol contestant band you couldn't wait to hear (that's debatable) is performing for your listening pleasure. It sort of seemed like we were watching a jam session in their living room and not in a good way. If I could, I would abolish these performances. Steven said their band could open up for Aerosmith on their next tour, but I don't think it was a promise.

Idolbandjamsesh.jpgCasey is safe, with Ryan pretty much telling him he got the most votes. James is safe, of course, leaving Paul and Stefano. Everything is going according to my evil plan. Paul is in the bottom three, and Stefano is safe. Interesting but not unexpected.

Jamie Foxx and Will.I.Am have a song called "Hot Wings." Oh LAWD, this episode is a hot mess. The song is about wanting to party, samba and fly. Why two relatively cool guys are performing this song at all, let alone on Idol, is beyond me. The dancers made a kaleidoscope with their bodies as clips from Rio played in the background. It was really SOMETHING.
Rio: Go See It, or Don't.

Riohotmess.jpgThe curtain will close on two people tonight. Someone please at least close the curtain on Naima's dress and its single line of fringe. In the end, Paul is safe and Thia and Naima are going home. This is not a good season for the girls, is it? And is it ever? The worst thing is that they have to share a tribute.

Can you believe it? I might be the least surprised I've been all season, but I think they'll both do well outside of the competition, and I will miss Naima's performances. She was always entertaining, and Thia was always sweet. What do you think of this Top 9?

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(images courtesy of FOX)