American Idol: Dallas Auditions, Live Thoughts
Audition night number two is tonight, and we're getting two hours from Dallas, Texas.  I have high hopes for the episode, if only because I suspect the great state of Texas is going to provide a hefty amount of crazy people.  I also love those Texas drawls.  Let's get it started.  I'll be here throughout the entire two hours with constant updates.

One of the people waiting in line had to be ambulanced out of line...because she had to have a baby.  These things happen.

Jessica Brown, is a stay at home mom with two little girls.  She's getting her life back on track.  In college, she dabbled in meth.  Former meth head.  Yikes.  They actually show pictures from her meth days and, yeah, they're gross.

Let's hope Jessica is pretty good.  She's singing "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders.  Jessica has a nice low voice, maybe a bit out of control at times and maybe too generic, but she's got potential.  The judges let her sing for an extended period.  Simon likes her, Randy thought there was some pitchiness, but she's through to Hollywood.

Paul Stafford is a park attendant.  He's big and fat and nervous and awkward. He tells the judges he's a member of American Rollercoaster Enthusiasts.  And he's terrible.  Obviously.  But, at least he's enthusiastic about it.  This guy may be putting on an act.

By the way, Randy's rocking some sweet sideburns.  The judges are really nice to him.  Paula likes his joyfulness.  It seems like the judges are being nicer than usual this season. 

Beth Maddocks is a singing waitress at a fondue restaurant.  Now, I'm not familiar with the average fondue singing waitress, but she has to be in the lower rung.  It was terrible, she was shrieking and it was ugly.  The problem is that she actually thought she was good.

Hey, it's a montage of terrible singers.  On the bright side, one of them was named Druciula.

Alaina Whitaker is Carrie Underwood lookalike who sings the audition favorite "Stronger" by Faith Hill.  She's pretty good.  Her voice is actually not that country at all.  Simon didn't like the second half of her song, but they all give her a yes.  She's through to Hollywood.  And dumb (she didn't know what "latter" meant).

Gregory and Miley Tobias, brother and sister, sing the worst duet I've ever heard. They are silently judged by the judges. 

Bruce is different from other guys, or so he's said.  He's never kissed a girl.  His dad gave him a key to wear around the neck, and his father wears a heart around his neck.  When he finds the one girl in the world for him and marries her, he will "open the heart up with his key."  Randy and Simon are appalled by his lack of kissing experience.  When stories like this come up, I always assume the guy is a closet homosexual.  He's got an OK voice, sings some R&B type stuff.  They all give him a no.  He asks for advice and Randy tells hium to kiss a girl. 

Pia Easley, is a model and musician.  She has a shaved head with a mini-mohawk.  Girl's got soul.  She's got a little Tracy Chapman in her.  Simon likes her, calls her interesting.  She's on to Hollywood.

Brandon Green is from Mississippi, and he has a weird hobby.  He's been collecting fingernails for awhile.  He brought his bag with him.  This is disgusting.  Seacrest is disgusted.  He sings "Rich Girl" by Hall and Oates.  I love this song, I don't care what you think.  Surprisingly, he's not a bad singer.  He goes out of tune in places, but has a nice country twang.  Has potential.  Simon says no, but Paula and Randy says yes.

Kayla Hatfield is a mother who got into a terrible car wreck when she was 18.  She was knocked out for a week and when she woke up, half of her face was, like, gone.  She lost the use of one of her eyes. She sings some Janis Joplin.  It's an energetic audition, but she's just not good.  Obviously, Kayla likes the way she sounds when she yells.  She's really manic and crazy.  Simon, just cause he likes the energy, says yes.  Paula says no.  Simon then lobbies for her with Randy.  He acquiesces.  She's going Hollywood.  That was an upset.

Erik Mauldlin in a large black man who is awful.  Charles Markham is also awful.  Delusional people are funny.  Tristan Clements is awful and a nerd.

Last audition of the day is Kady Malloy.  Kady is 18 years old and really hot.  She does vocal impressions and the judges have her do Britney Spears and it's impeccable.  For her real audition, she does some Righteous Brothers and, hell, it is awesome.  Mark it down: Kady Malloy will be in the top 24.  She's got it.  Simon calls her the best audition they've had this season.  We'll be seeing her in Hollywood.

12 total people made it through to Hollywood on the first day from Texas.

Douglas Davidson is a 28 year old student from Austin, Texas.  He big and frumpy.  Definitely a freak.  He's the guy from the promos who has to be escorted out.  He asks to warm up a little bit before he starts singing.  He sings some Bon Jovi. Believe me, you've never seen anything this bad.  After he sings Jovi, he warms up some more, paces and drinks some water.  He keeps interrupting the judges and won't stop singing.  This has to be one of the top 5 auditions ever.  Finally, he has to be escorted out. 

Let's talk about Paula for a second.  I've been a hater for a long time, but I have to admit she's the best she's ever been in these last two episodes.  Totally lucid, legitimate commentary, and she's looking good.

Angela Riley is a newlywed who's married to a professional model.  She brings him in for the audition.  It's not like she's a terrible singer, but her energy is all over the place snapping and bouncing around.  The husband is enthusiastic about her wife's singing.  It's terrible karaoke singing, and they let her down gently.

Kyle Ensley is a politician who one day wants to be the Governor of Oklahoma.  He's going OK State University.  He's a goofy dude, wearing an over-sized tie and silly glasses.  He got off to a rough start, but he settles down and gives a halfway decent audition.  Simon gives him a yes.  I wouldn't have.  Randy thought it was like a Glee Club.  He says no. Paula says yes and he's through.  Good for him.  Nice guy.

Tammy Tuzinski has had a personality-ectomy.  Something's not really working that well in her brain.  SHe sings Celine Dion and it's incredibly bad.  And then she leaves.  And I'll never see her again, and that makes me happy.

Colton Swon is a musician, who plays guitar, drums and bass.  He's got this long, pointy, frizzy hair.  He's got a pretty good rock voice, but he's not that great of a performer.  Simon calls him a bar band type singer.  He's going to Hollywood

Apparently, it's the confused-sexuality portion of the auditions.  Cross dressers, transeuxuals and the like.  Sweet.

Next up is Drew Poppelreiter and he's a farmer.  We see footage of him from on the farm, you know, farming.  He's never been on a plane.   Real farmer, this guy.  We get it.  He's got a low old-school country voice, but it doesn't have much potential.  Simon gives him a big no.  Randy gives him a yes.  And so does Paula.  They shouldn't have.

Kyle Reinneck is an effeminate rocker...or maybe that's just his voice.  Or, the eyeliner.  I hate rock dudes who wear eyeliner.  He's a school counselor for little kids. He's got a weird voice.  It's actually pretty bad, but he's kind of close to rocking, but he just isn't there.  Why are we spending so much time with this guy?

It's the terrible sing-along time, today with Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone."  Though this montage is trying to ruin it, this is still the best song ever recorded by a former Idol.

Nina Shaw is a tall, attractive girl from Burleson, Texas, same town as Kelly Clarkson.  Simon's not a fan, neither is Paula, then she breaks out another song.  Simon says no, but he's dumb about this one.  She's going to Hollywood.  Simon thought she was too old-fashioned.  Not really.

Here we go...the guy from the picture up above.  He's the last audition of the day.  He wants to bring hope to those in despair.  His cape is ridiculous.  He's like a Pimp Wizard.  Or a Wizard Pimp.  He walks into the room and the laughter starts immediately.  He has the name Simon written on his hat.  He's singing his own composition "We're Brothers Forever."  Renaldo Lapuz is this crazy person's name.  He's got quite a bombastic voice.  He keeps singing for what seems like hours. 

This is riveting television, everybody.  Randy goes up and dances with him.   He even brings in Seacrest to see what's going on.  Paula stars dancing like a crazy person, Randy is singing along, it's madness.  This guy loves Simon.  Simon gives him a hug at the end.  And it goes on just long enough to be weird.

And, that is all.  24 singers from Dallas are heading to Hollywood.

-Oscar Dahl, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image Courtesy of FOX)