Dear American Idol,

I don't usually watch audition episodes. You know that. You know that I don't like watching train wrecks, delusional fame seekers, and excessive sob stories. That's why I was so happy that we finally got to the Hollywood episodes. At least the people there are the better ones. If there's a train wreck, it's nerves. If there's drama flaring, it's because they're so close and yet so far away. That, I can tolerate.

But not this one, sirs. Not last night.

I never really understood the point of group performances. At first, I thought it was to see whether the contestants would be able to adapt to high-pressure situations: twelve hours to memorize a song, arrange it, choreograph it, and everything else. And then I thought, "well, they're not performing as groups all the time, right?" There are the group performances during the results show, which don't really count. The Ford ads don't either. The first time we had group performances that counted was rock week last season, and they didn't really have to work that much.

So what is group night for, then? The drama, right? People who barely know each other have to work together, the same people who have to watch their backs so they can go through to the next round even if the group performance tanks. One takes a leadership role and the rest don't agree, with decision after decision after decision being argued over and struck down. One person backs out. One person wants to move groups. Everyone is sleepless. You know where that goes... cue the dramatic music.

That's expected, but in recent seasons they've been milking all this tension dry. I think last night was the extreme. We start the night off with arguments--which is okay I guess, since we need to see the contestants prepare. The actual singing began twenty minutes into the episode, and Ryan's "most spectacular performances" promise didn't really deliver. Sure, there were good singers, but all we saw were people forgetting the lines, people calling another performance a rip-off, and the Dreamers. Or should I call it Mary Powers and the Dreamers?

So, all in the interest of seeing who gets through, we get an hour of huge egos doing something they wouldn't be doing much of when they do make it to the actual competition. What's the point?

Shouldn't we just let go of the group performances? It's just drama, and a needless hurdle for the contestants, especially considering that American Idol is not a competition for singing groups. We can still have three stages in Hollywood week: perhaps everyone can sing the same song in the second round, and give them twelve hours to make it their own. That way, nobody has to outstage each other in a more devious way, either by throwing the group performance while still making him look good, or doing some gymnastics in front of stage.

And I know some people enjoy these train wrecks, but admit it, they're funnier in Dallas than in Hollywood.

With much love,
The guy who felt pain in his gut after last night

P.S. No, really, I did.





(Image courtesy of Fox)