Some of the Housewives are in Miami, having a very bright time. Carole is operating under extreme pressure to finish her new book. You know, because of television. Oh my god is that Carole’s apartment? It is exquisite.

Carole’s truly fabulous friend, Ranjana, has invited all the girls over for cocktails and enhanced fabulousness, Carole tells Sonja when they meet up to go to Miami.

“You know me, I’m up for anything,” Sonja says, only kidding herself. They arrive in Miami, wearing all the white pants money can buy. Sonja changes into some sort of tribal thing, that it turns out Ramona is also practically wearing. Ramona and Aviva show up, looking appropriately tribal-inspired, and everyone admires Ranjana’s apartment all over again.

“It’s ‘up and coming,'” Ramona jokes, “you buy cheap and sell high.” Uh, rude. It’s her trademark, though, that rudeness. They go upstairs to enjoy the view and the open air, which both terrify Aviva. Oh Aviva, so high maintenance with her phobias and her multiple legs. Ramona has clearly had enough of both.

“You can’t wet your leg, I mean how many legs do ya have? You only have one!” Ramona shouts, then “won’t allow” Aviva to get in the water. But once they’re all soaking, Ranjana reveals the facial muscle secrets to her face. She tells them how to work out their necks, and they all do so. I ain’t gonna lie, I did it. Ramona and Sonja aren’t taking it seriously, and are rude as ever. Carole will not stand for this much longer.

“CAN YOU BLOW DRY YOUR LEG?” Ramona asks Aviva, changing the subject. She demands that, because she wanted to get out of the pool, Aviva get out of the pool too. She holds a towel out and insists that she get out now before her leg get any more water-logged. Terrible.

At Aviva’s, Sonja showers in Ramona’s room. Aviva checks on them and Ramona pushes her away with, “this is our thing. Sorry.” They also sort of push Mario out. Evidently Sonja broke Aviva’s other shower, and then just left it running. Reid went in, full suit coat and loafers, and fixed it. Is this the episode where Aviva points out that they’re “both white trash quite frankly”? It has to be soon, right?

Carole arrives in a timely manner, and after a while, Aviva asks that Mario convince the girls to “get the f*ck out of their room and join us for dinner.” Ramona determines that Aviva must be upset because she’s jealous. Ramona and Aviva were getting along “so well,” you see, and now that Sonja’s here, she can’t stand it! While they were waiting, Aviva confessed to Carole that she didn’t like the way Ramona behaved toward her in the pool.

Enter Mr. Aviva. Sonja is obviously trying to be flirtatious, and Carole is just naturally charming. Ramona gave it a shot, too, but she is just awful. George, Aviva’s father, is just a character, so this will be an entertaining dinner.

Sonja thinks it’s going very well with George. George just loves women in general. Harry, the ubiquitous Harry, comes up in conversation again, and Ramona seizes the opportunity to ruin everyone’s good time and make it all about her.

“COULD WE PLEASE NOT? I’m UNCOMFORTABLE,” Ramona dictates. Then she turns on a dime and tries her hand at controlling the flirtation with George. Then she got up, went into the kitchen, and demanded that they skip the salad and go straight to the entree. God, she’s so awful.

Meanwhile, Carole and George are getting along like gangbusters, which seems to put Sonja off a bit. After all, it was SHE who should have been getting all the attention from this vivacious old man, not Carole. George offers to give Carole her first squirting orgasm, which causes Mario to do a spit-take.

In the vein of levity, Aviva offers up a funny story about George’s last serious relationship and how he cheated on his younger woman with an even younger woman, but Ramona grabs a hold of the reins again and says it’s not OK to do or talk about those things.

The next day, the blondes visit George at his house to spend some time in the cabana. Sonja, confident that she’ll gain the attention this time, wears an alluring bathing suit with a sheer wrap and claims that she could tell immediately that he had bedroom eyes for her. Ramona interrupts their hug to demand more attention, and George briefly obliges.

“Wow, what a body!” George exclaims as his daughter disrobes. Amazing. He switches his focus to entertaining Sonja. I’m just not sure George is actually as into Sonja as she would like to think. He’s just entertaining himself. Sonja coyly rejects him, and so he cuddles up to Ramona, which delights her.

Getting into the hot tub, Ramona demands yet again that she not get her high heel leg wet. “It’s not her swimming leg!” she shrieks.

“It’s a good thing she stopped because if she kept on going I was going to have to tell her what I thought about her bathing suit,” Aviva said in a confessional. Zing! I like these new girls.

Ugh, Heather, I almost forgot about her. But now she’s back in New York, wearing a sparkly dress, eating iced caviar. Enough of THAT.

For their last night in Miami, they’re going to a swanky party in South Beach. For George’s sake, I suppose, Sonja and Ramona flirtatiously hop into an outdoor bed. Sonja claims that he poked her with his erection, but I wonder if he maybe he just gets an erection to amuse himself. Why not have sex with this woman? She’s there.

Back in New York, Carole meets up with LuAnn so that she can fulfill her episode requirement. Shopping, Carole mentions Ranjana, and LuAnn jumps all over that. I wonder if Carole is going to confront her about being a “friend-jumper” and someone who takes advantage of fabulous friends. She does bring it up, and LuAnn corrects her, “no I said if he ever … because I do shoots with InStyle?” LuAnn says, hoping Carole will fill in the blanks and assume the best.

I’m glad she said something. LuAnn says, “I would rather you tell me,” then defends herself and moves forward.No fault here! We’re all friends.

In the gallery, Aviva wants to ask Sonja something, but before she can even get a word in, Sonja thinks it’s about her dad. “Powerful men need boundaries!” she says, hackles up. But no, it’s about how to handle Ramona, and how dreadful she is.

What DOES one do about how overbearing Ramona can be? You just understand that she’s trying to protect you, Sonja offers. That’s very forgiving of you, Sonja. Back outside, everyone toasts their pinot and no one sleeps with George.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).