Last week, everyone got mad at a party, and this week, they will still be mad at the party. And Heather is still wearing that god damn sparkly long-sleeved t-shirt when everyone else is wearing cocktail dresses. I swear to god that shirt came in a swag bag. So Heather was confronting Aviva about talking about people behind their backs, but this is Ramona’s party, and if anyone is going to get mad about talking about someone behind their backs, it’s going to be Ramona. She points at Heather and walks around.

Then Heather said Ramona was acting crazy, which she was, and Aviva says “you can’t tell Mario his wife is crazy.” “She was acting like a crazy person,” Heather corrects herself, but it’s too late. Ramona and Sonja are drunk, Heather is whining, and Mario is ready to stand up and act like Ramona in Ramona’s stead.

Carole, in the meantime, is observing and loving this. Heather and Aviva go toe to toe and Heather asks Aviva why she’s defending Ramona with “what the frick?” HOLLAAAAA.

Finally, Heather leaves, and her free outfit is out the door. Yes, she had sweatpants to match.

OK, some scene at a cosmetic surgeon’s office? Sonja and Ramona? I could not care. And are they drunk? Why is this office decorated like a cheap Greek colosseum-inspired prom? Why is Ramona referring to urine in your blood like it’s a color and consistency that everyone knows? I’m happy to be rid of this scene.

LuAnn and Aviva are treating themselves the natural way. It’s a spin bike event for Aviva’s charity.

“Are we cycling for a cause?” LuAnn asks Aviva plainly. She showed up to a charity event with no idea that it was a charity event. But at least she showed up. “Yes, it’s called One Step Ahead, and blah blah blah,” Aviva explains that the event is for kids with missing limbs. If only rich women had cycled for Aviva when she was a child. Heather and Carole were also going, but Ramona and Sonja not so much.

“They couldn’t rally for one hour to help kids in need of prosthetics?” Aviva said, like a saint. Do you think many of these women knew they were cycling for a cause today? I’m with Carole: exercise is terrible. Then the instructor put LuAnn’s song on and everything became even worse. Everyone got some merch for the event, and Heather is probably going to wear it out to the next party.

Aviva is feeling pretty self-righteous. She had an event FOR THE CHILDREN, it wasn’t to launch a wine or a single or a magazine cover, and it was only an HOUR. FOR THE CHILDREN.

Then there was this preposterous scene between Ramona and a taxi driver where she talked his ear off and berated him for the entire ride, and gave him business tips. It made me boil inside with anger.

Aviva and Carole went jewelry shopping together so that Carole could gently goad Aviva into going to St. Bart’s. Aviva mentions, again, that not only does she have a fake leg but she also has a panic disorder. They bond over it, and Carole admits that she’s afraid to introduce her sort-of-boyfriend Russ to the girls.

LuAnn and Ramona go bathing suit shopping … together? How did this happen? In any regard, this weird scene is happening with Ramona and LuAnn giggling about bikinis and masturbating and voyeurism. Then they strutted around in hooker heels and bathing suits and caftans, showing odd parts of their bodies and referring to their nipples as “nips.” MAKE IT END. I guess they talked crap about Aviva too and how they didn’t want to have to babysit this basket case of a woman, too, but mostly “nips.”

There was a heartwarming scene where Aviva sponsored a kid to get his first running prosthetics. Jesus, those look really hard to operate. But he did it! And Carole was there. For the children.

There’s a Housewives get-together at Ramona’s with caviar and Prosecco and all the fixin’s. Aviva is going to show, so she warns Sonja and Ramona that Aviva is upset they didn’t go to her charity event. They both could have sworn the other was going so they wouldn’t have to. Oops, these things happen, but isn’t it a LAUGH?! They make excuses for themselves; Ramona was red and Sonja’s dog didn’t take its liver pill or whatever. Ramona looks at Carole bleary-eyed, unconvinced as to why she needed to be there. Uh … for the CHILDREN.

Aviva arrives on the scene, mustering up some enthusiasm for the apartment and the spread and “new friends.” Ramona seats everyone at the table, then presents Aviva with a crumpled up check for her charity. Sonja says she’s annoyed because she can’t write a check, she has her own charities that she has to support. Like the Sonja’s Dog Bankruptcy Liver Pill Fund.

Then Aviva tells Sonja and Ramona that she is pissed off that they didn’t go. They offered Aviva their bullshit excuses, even though Carole advised them not to. Sonja started to tear up talking about her dog, and Ramona backed her up, and the look on Aviva’s face was SO appropriately full of hatred.

Aviva tells Ramona she should have scheduled her dermatologist appointment for another day and that Sonja should have found someone to take her dog to the vet, then Sonja explodes with righteous anger, “NO ONE IS TAKING MILO TO THE VET WHEN I MIGHT HAVE TO PUT HIM DOWN,” she says, gesticulating wildly. Oh no she didn’t.

Then Aviva erupted. “IT WASN’T ABOUT ME OR MY CHARITY. IT WAS ABOUT THE CHILDREN WHO ARE MISSING LEGS.” Will that make sense to those two? No, it will not, everyone is already beyond hysterical. Sonja is a MESS this holiday season.

“You both have valid points,” Ramona tries, but no, only one of them does and it is not the person being hysterical about her dog’s bladder function. Amazingly enough, Carole smooths everything over by complimenting and speaking gently. Who knew that a little honey could work! Then Ramona revs things back up and Carole focuses on cutting her meat.

They toast to never doing it again, and Sonja learned that Aviva is “obviously not a dog person.” I hope the dog is OK while Sonja is in St. Bart’s.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).