Are you feeling sentimental about America’s Got Talent, now that we’re at the finale results show? I’m not. And my sentimentality isn’t helped by the fact that it’s underscored by “Home” by Phillip Phillips, winner of American Idol. But whatever. Winners’ song! If anything, this montage has made me realize just how long we’ve all been on this “journey.” I’m tired, America, I want to go “home.”

OK, now the really weird part of the show starts. The Top 6 acts perform with popular music artists, which won’t really work for everyone. The first one is David Girabaldi painting in the background to Flo Rida. And he’s painting Flo Rida, as Flo Rida ignored him. It was a fail. I guess at the end, Flo Rida painted a half-hearted stripe of blue. Flo Rida, you will not be a CMYK any time soon.

Then Ne-Yo performed, and I was glad that he was performing all on his own. I like Ne-Yo. I wouldn’t be entirely opposed to a “worst of AGT” group performance soon, though. I would like it more than this Snapple Chat, that’s for sure.

Now William Close will inexplicably “duet” with One Republic. I guess it’s better than William Close with the inelegant One Direction, which is what I originally thought it was. Of all the pairings tonight, this one will make the most sense.

I was pleased to learn of the Orville Lounge segment, and to see the most people in the Orville Lounge a finale has ever seen. Hahahaha then Olate Dogs and The Untouchables had to share a duet with some character named Frankie J. Preposterous.

But we had to save room for the “bad auditions” montage! Whatcha Gonna Do. And then “the Grandfather of Rap” Burton Crane got to perform “Whatcha Gonna Do” on the finale … with Nick Cannon and that girl who made up a talent so she could meet Howard Stern, E40?, and The Rangers. I don’t know who any of these people are.

Oh god, Howie kept making a mockery of Big Barry’s life. So disrespectful. I’m never quite sure if Barry is in on it. Howard handled it well.

Blue Man Group performed next, without Tom Cotter. I wonder who Tom Cotter will “duet” with. This performance was all about butts. Not much else to say here.

Then, we had to reflect on the season a third time, but this time with a focus on the judges.

Tom Cotter did a roast of the judges, without a musical group, and I would call that a success. Good for Tom Cotter, this made me like him more. Then Joan Rivers came out to duet-roast with him! A double success.

Next, Joe Castillo duets with former members of the PS22 Chorus. This is also a good match–it’s too wholesome! For whatever reason they’re singing Lady Gaga’s “Edge of Glory,” which was a little less wholesome.

The six finalists are paraded out for the first result. The act in sixth place is …The Untouchables. Whoa, no mercy on these children from America! The act in fifth place is Joe Castillo. I think we might have predicted that.

The act in fourth place is (now I’m nervous!) David Girabaldi and His CMYK’s. Good for them but I guess we knew they wouldn’t win.

JUSTIN BIEBER! Do we even have to say anything else? This is the moment we’ve been waiting for all season. Justin Bieber! The girls in the audience went NUTS and those shots alone were worth the price of admission.

Another part of the episode that I enjoyed more than anything was Howard’s sincere word of gratitude to Nick Cannon and admiration of his compassion. He really is a good host, which this montage will probably not demonstrate. I have to admit I had myself a laugh at Nick’s antics over the season. He’s just darling and should have been nominated for the Emmy.

Finally, before the final results, Green Day performed.

Oh my god, it’s almost over! Then the continent can heave a sigh of relief. I believe the final three are who they should be. The act in third place is William Close. I did not see this coming! I thought he was going to win! I’m alright with it, though.

It’s time for the big moment! It’s either Olate Dogs or Tom Cotter. How silly. Tom Cotter really seems like a nice guy. He’s very forthright with his emotions, not like a lot of hardened comedians who are “always on.” And it always fills me with such joy when the Olate dogs jump into their arms, happy to have done the trick well. And now the dogs are draped over their arms like little babies after a long day of play! Adorable!

The nation has chosen …

Olate Dogs! They jumped up and down and woke the dogs up! Sharon was so happy she leaped up in her ballgown and congratulated both acts. All in all, a good night to be a dog.

(images courtesy of NBC)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).