So this whole wine tasting thing was not going to be a thing, but then Ramona was told that it was a thing, so now it’s going to be a thing forever. Meanwhile in even-less-of-a-thingsville, Sonja and Heather are talking Sonja’s logo. To make things more interesting, the producers told Sonja to bring Ramona along, in the hopes that maybe sparks would fly between Heather and Ramona. Passive-aggressive sparks at the very least.

And this graphic artist is stuck in the middle. Naturally, Ramona is bullheaded and impossible to work with, even when the decision has no impact on her whatsoever. The graphic artist presents his favorite ideas, which they had decided on before, but Sonja doesn’t like any of it. She wants it to be sexier. Maybe if it had more of that clipart girl? More boobs? They argue about it until the graphic artist gets uncomfortable, and Ramona has decided it’s about her and how intimidated Heather is by her (“because I’m also a strong and successful business woman”).

They conclude that the meeting was awful for everyone, and probably a huge waste of time. Sonja in the City is probably a huge waste of time.

Mario and Ramona go to Le Cirque to wine and dine the other ladies. They brought an extremely old and expensive bottle of wine. Carole looks amazing. LuAnn is there, for whatever reason. Sonja is wearing a fascinator, Aviva got married at Le Cirque, and Heather is not invited. No expensive wine for you, Heather.

Once the first fancy course is served, Sonja brings up the classy topic of “Aborigines.” They discuss “savages” and “Indians” and LuAnn says a couple of extremely offensive things like it’s a joke. Carole is embarrassed for her. Oh, Carole, you are of such a different caliber. Are they drunk? The class of the dinner is already ruined.

Mario and Ramona have their own wine test for Jacques. They ask Jacques to identify the Chateau Margot just by looking at the bottle. He shows everyone up by explaining why it’s one of the best wines in the world, but Ramona won’t be pleased by a compliment. Mario confronts Jacques about the wine caper of last week’s episode, and LuAnn excuses herself to the bathroom. Way to stick up for your honey, LuAnn.

The famous Harry Dubin! He’s on screen! What is so appealing about this guy? I’m not sure what this poopy the pig thing is either. It and its butt dance make me uncomfortable. It’s an app maybe? Aviva pretends to be excited about it for Harry and her son Harrison, but it is awful. I am so uncomfortable watching this whole venture!

Sonja and Luann meet to discuss having a baby. Well, to discuss Luann having a baby. It’s all LuAnn wants to talk about. Sonja mentions her miscarriage, and LuAnn brushes past it. Sonja mentions that it could be a little “woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown,” but LuAnn is not deterred.

Heather, LuAnn, and Sonja meet up at a photo shoot. Heather is wearing her Smart Glasses, and she’s ready to confront Sonja about this romper room logo baloney. LuAnn is there to try on all the accessories at the photo shoot. Sheesh. The confrontation goes … awkwardly. Sonja insists that she is a client, but she is a non-paying friend, and she is asking too much for her business that will never get off the ground.

Heather tries to back out, but Sonja tries to guilt her, then assumes they’re moving forward. If you want to act like that, you’d best be paying. LuAnn comes in to … mitigate? I don’t know. She does tend to soften things, though. “Maybe they’re right, Son,” LuAnn says. Sonja wants to do things the hapdash Housewives way. The graphic artist finally agrees to it because he wants to go home. Heather wants things the professional way. She lost.

Oh god, whose horrible Holiday party is this? They have to wear those stupid hats? Santa rabbit ears? Oh, LuAnn is throwing this. It’s a coat drive, to raise coats for the homeless. But the ears and antlers are FREE. Christmas. LuAnn checks with Ramona, “you’re not upset with me because of the wine party are you?”

“I should be,” Ramona offers. “Why?” LuAnn asks. “Why? Because … let Mario tell you why,” Ramona says, at a loss for a reason. The truth is, she has no idea why she feels she should be upset with LuAnn. She just wanted to make a mountain out of a molehill, and all it took was a little encouragement from her friend Aviva. “I think you know what you did, and I know what you did,” Ramona says. And then, like magic, she let it go!

Then Ramona lets her eyes dart around the room, and tells LuAnn she’s “holding the fifth.” Yeah, hold it. Then all these mohawked characters came in and said they were the band. The rest of the women all show up, wearing red. Then they get a little red in the face, from alcohol.

Sonja is the drunkest of all, and decides to speak up against Jacques, who came over to kiss LuAnn. “He needs to marry her,” Sonja tells Heather, like a drunk cheerleader, “I know your good qualities, but I do not believe it,” Sonja says to Jacques. Then she admits she doesn’t want LuAnn to be devastated like she was. She has known true love but she was devastated and now she is crying at this godawful party.

“Awww,” everyone at the table says to shut her up. “Get out now if you’re not serious,” Sonja demands of Jacques. Haaaaaa geez. “You’ve made your point, I think he got it,” Ramona Singer, unlikely voice of reason, says.

LuAnn invites the mohawked musicians and the Housewives up on stage to sing “Jingle Bells.” It is embarrassing, appalling, and self-indulgent, but what else would we expect from these women. At least hte musicians stepped it up by declaring “I want to f*** you in the ass.”

“No. No. Christmas songs,” LuAnn tries to tell them, unsuccessfully. They need to learn how to hire the proper entertainment for parties.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).