Last time we checked in with the Real Housewives of New York, LuAnn wanted to keep her wild night in St. Barths a secret but “Johnny Depp” is the same in any language. What happens in St. Barths will not stay in St. Barths. Especially not if you get Sonja and Ramona (“Ramonja”) involved. So this woman Cat and Tomas, Luann’s secret one-night-stand, show up to this big house party they’re throwing, and the house party turns out to be, like St. Barths and the plane in to it, very very small.

But if Luann wants to keep things a secret, she shouldn’t act like Tomas belongs to her, telling him not to get too friendly when he kisses Ramona on the cheek. To that, he responds, “Money can’t pay you class.” Ramona decides this is a fun game to play, and now it is clear that Luann and Tomas had a midnight rendezvous. So she makes it her mission to get it out of Tomas, but he made it quite clear with his previous statement, that his English is not so good, so it will be difficult to tell whether he’s being coy, or just doesn’t understand what she’s asking.

The “game” ends in Tomas walking away on his phone, changing the subject, then bringing up Le Ti. “I didn’t move anywhere anyways,” Tomas tells Ramona. “I saw you here last night,” Ramona says, “you see me here now!” the clever Tomas responds. Then there was some talk about Tomas’s “double” and I am not sure either of them came out of the conversation with a clearer understanding.

“Jacques is not going to be too happy when he hears about this. Luann will have a lot of backpedaling to do,” Ramona declares in a confessional, satisfied with her investigation.

Thank God for Luann that Carole is a princess. The topic of boyfriends comes up, and an even more confused Tomas says his boyfriend is coming over later, then starts talking about “menage a sevens.” And ten he makes Sonja feel all flushed. Then they all fight over Tomas’s attention. Sonja was feeling fun and flirty and she danced wildly for Tomas with Ramona. As a reward, Tomas follows Sonja to her suite. And that’s that, I suppose!

The next day is Ramona’s to plan, and she opted for a boat trip. It’s good Aviva hasn’t arrived yet because it would only have made her nervous. The night before, Heather walked in on Sonja and Tomas having butt sex. She always seems to see who’s having sex.

Everyone is getting along, and meanwhile a nervous Aviva gets even more nervous and works herself into a fine lather to get to St. Barths. At least she’s dressed like a member of the Partridge Family.

Back on the boat, Ramona and Sonja change swimsuits/sarongs, and ask the crew to shield them from the sun by standing in front of them with towels. No one gets paid enough to do that. “OMG,” Heather says. Ughhhhh Heatherrrrr.

Aviva survived the plane ride, thanks in part to Chaka Khan, and carries Reid in tow.

Just in case, (in case of what?), Sonja and Ramona check out other properties available for a couple nights in St Barths. That’s so bitchy! I can’t believe they hate Aviva bringing Reid that much. But back at the original house, Ramonja swim naked in the pool, as Heather describes the day as “amaze.” HEATHER. STOP.

I’m so tired of Ramona and Sonja being as naked as possible, pushing their boobs and butts around at each other. The group convenes at the pool as Aviva and Reid arrive. Sonja hands Ramona her swimsuit top so that more than just a pool noodle covers her nipples. Everyone goes to greet Aviva, but Ramona and Sonja say they can’t because they’re naked. Aviva is neither amused nor impressed.

Reid steps away, offering to bow out because he has work to do. That should have pleased Sonja and Ramona, but instead Sonja tells Reid they were worried about him wanting to hang out with them. The ladies sit down for drinks, and Carole leaves to dry her hair and change to see Russ’s rehearsal. Heather bows out with her, so now it’s just the pot-stirrers left.

Aviva mentions that they invited Mario, and Ramona brings up the conversation they had about bringing husbands. But leave it to Sonja to break down any veneer of tact or class, and lay it all out there for Aviva. She tells Aviva exactly what was said about her behind her back, and mentions again how pleased she is that Reid left.

Then Aviva, already feeling spicy from the plane ride and full of piss and vinegar, asks Ramona, “you don’t have anything negative to say about Reid being here, do you?” and Ramona’s eyes got impossibly wider.

They’re both acting awful, and yelling. Aviva keeps demanding that everyone thank Reid profusely for getting her here. Like she’s such a peach to be around right now! Aren’t you glad she’s here now to call you a bunch of drunk jerks like you always wanted?

To combat Aviva’s attitude, Ramona decides to yell “TAAAKE A XANAX! CAAALM DOOWWWWN!” and it was shockingly unhelpful. Aviva notes that she only needs her husband, not drugs or Pinot Grigio. In an increasingly unhelpful move, Luann asks Ramonja to admit that just the other day they were wondering out loud how to ask Reid to leave. As Heather might say, WTF.

I don’t know what Aviva’s deal is. Is it all the nervous energy coming un-bundled? Either way, they’re both being awful, and Aviva is claiming she’s mad about the “un-gracious” welcome she and Reid received from Ramonja. What side of Aviva is this? The 1920s angry detective Aviva?

In the moment I’ve been waiting for all season, Aviva calls Ramona and Sonja white trash, and it was less satisfying than I’d hoped. To combat that, Ramona brings Luann into this with finger pointing and yelling. Everyone yells, and Ramonja turns against Luann, calling her the instigator. But this happened way before Luann even said anything, she only made things worse!

“The next thing I know, I’m white trash,” Sonja says, looking darling with that big flower headband in her confessional. The brilliant editors at Bravo paired this with Sonja’s partner, Ramona, stalking around the house in her swimsuit.

Aviva meets Carole and Reid to demand a hotel room and a very specific thank you for Reid. She tells Carole she is going to a hotel with Reid, and then threatens to leave (which she was already doing, I thought) if Carole doesn’t ask Sonja and Ramona to stop being rude. Crazypants. Reid excuses himself from the drama to “work some documents.” A wise man.

Sonja decides the magic trick to soothing Aviva will be to hug and touch her. Oh yeah, Aviva loves being touched, I’m sure. Aviva is yelling in the hallway about how Sonja are acting graceless, classless, and uneducated. She is spittin mad fire! Then Aviva tells them she EXPECTED A PARTY. Jesus, the worst in Aviva is all coming out at once!

Then Ramona yells at Luann, who “started the whole thing.” Heather and Carole are the only ones capable of not yelling now. Sonja comes out and talks to Aviva like nothing just happened. She offers to model Ramona’s dress, and how it’s “shiny on the inside,” then hugs her with a face that says, “yes, this makes everything melt away.” But no, Aviva is still on a tear.

“I’m very disgusted with you and Ramona,” Aviva says. Then she tells Sonja that she went to law school and went to Vassar and she speaks several languages so she hears and understands everything. Then Sonja looks at her surprised, ill prepared for the oncoming train. Carole stops by and asks if she can interrupt for one second and the blondes ignore her until it’s convenient for them to rope her in.

Then Ramona comes in with apologies and the “I have goosebumps, I’m shaking” act. Carole looks on skeptically. Ramona apologizes profusely, and Aviva demands that they offer those apologies and unending thanks to Reid. Ramona admits later that she never apologizes and didn’t mean the apology she just offered Aviva.

Everyone gets upset and changes outfits many times. Carole is a bit upset because she missed Russ’s rehearsal due to all the yelling and bullshit. She wonders what she’s doing, running from room to room like a headmaster. It IS bullshit!

Sonja gets very upset in her room, and Ramona fails to comfort her successfully. Sonja chokes, “I have TURNED A CORNER and I don’t NEED any new friends!” That’s the drunk Sonja I know.

Sonja and Ramona show at dinner wearing two shades of the same dress, ready to turn a corner but not ready to forget that Aviva called them white trash. Ramona warms to Heather because she can’t focus on more than one argument at a time. Then she pours tequila shots, and tries to move Aviva away from her. Aviva is still feeling prickly, though, and just acts like a complete bitch at dinner. Nobody is glad Reid brought her there. Aviva and Luann go to the bathroom, and Ramona tries to tell Carole everything that happened.

Carole mentions that she’s going to go visit Russ, who she rarely sees, and whose concert rehearsal she missed because of all their bullshit, and Aviva offers a snide comment. She proudly tells Luann and Carole that when she gets pissed she’s relentless, and Carole tells her it’s not a good quality. She suggests that Aviva apologize for calling Ramonja “white trash,” and Aviva decides not to.

Luann is just glad no one is asking her night with Tomas anymore. For now.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).