Oh my god, after last week’s shoe parade (snore), I have been anticipating this week’s complete meltdown at Brandi’s party SO hard. Who thought that Camille would be the reasonable one this season? Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, D.D. is.

First, more wedding planning with Krazy Kevin Lee! He has table settings to show them. The first is “King Arthur” and it has goblets and thrones and an overhang and a pink sword in a pink stone of roses (no, it doesn’t have that). “Bling bling bling, we love the bling bling look.” ‘Nuff said.

Kyle’s got her long lost Judd Sister look on again (a kinder, gentler Judd) to visit Dr. Paul for her mother-in-law’s facelift check-up. She looks really good. Pretty natural, for Beverly Hills. Kyle says she wishes everyone would drop the fillers and Botox and “fight fair” with what they’ve got, but she’s swimming against the current with that opinion.

Brand is without crutches (I think?) but still with boot, meeting Adrienne to talk about this party she wants to throw. Someone has to throw a party this week! Brandi obliviously says that she thinks Taylor and Camille are getting along just FINE. Adrienne isn’t convinced.

But before this party, there’s another party. Kyle is having a Cinco de Mayo thing. Mauricio comes out looking just fine, and Kyle says it’s basically an atrocity. I didn’t even know what was wrong with the first outfit. SHAMED. This Cinco de Mayo party is also serving as a Reveal Estella’s Facelift party.

Lisa’s checking out the next door expansion that she purchased and is renovating for Sur. She’s mad at her contractor, who tries to make things better by telling her she looks fabulous. She KNOWS she looks fabulous, she’s effing Lisa Vanderpump, of course she looks fabulous.

Adrienne got some of the shoes from her shoe line (this whole time line just perplexes me–she was designing the shoes and then they were in a fashion show where we couldn’t see them and now she’s getting samples? Or the actual shoes? Within weeks maybe?). Kim’s cleaning again, as usual. She will NOT be attending Brandi’s party because A) Brandi is dead to her, B) she never goes to any parties and C) she’s got way too much cleaning and re-cleaning to do.

Camille is worried about this whole party at Brandi’s, so she’s bringing BFF D.D. and some other woman named Elizabeth. Don’t get it twisted, though, Camille hates drama! She thanks D.D. for being there for her throughout everything, then remembers Elizabeth is in the limo, too, and says, “and thank you, Liz.” Liz reaches across the seat and smiles. She’s dressed like an attorney.

Awesome drama precursor music! Well played, Bravo editing team, as we move to Taylor’s house, where she is getting ready and full of anxiety. She is NOT ready to see Camille or accept an apology, or anything. She is just not having it. But for whatever reason, she’s dragging herself to the party. IT’S THE POLITE THING TO DO! GO TO PARTIES AND BRING EVERYONE DOWN, IT’S THE RIGHT THING!

Taylor says that if she need’s “backup,” it’s good to have Kyle there. Except that Kyle will stay silent while shit is going down, as she absorbs the drama to relay to the others. And why do you need backup, Taylor? She’s already acting hysterical, and they aren’t even there yet. She has gotten herself all worked up talking about the past and how HURT she is that Camille dared shine some light on a very dangerous reality in Taylor’s life. Sorry, Camille, that is Taylor’s story to tell and sell to Entertainment Tonight, then turn into a book deal.

Camille has D.D. and Whatserface promise to avoid the drama, and if anything starts, to grab Camille and remove her from the situation. But Taylor is ready to start a rumble.

Adrienne has nothing but praise for Brandi’s party, which has a classy locale, spring rolls, and belly dancing after a few glasses of wine (at least it wasn’t that blow job party). Kyle and Taylor arrive, in their wedges, and they greet everyone. Camille gives Taylor an extra-long hug and an apology, and Taylor acts like Camille is made of slugs.

“It’s a wedge party!” Whatsername declares, and Kyle notes that Brandi is wearing a tight, thin, white dress with no underwear that we’re aware of. So catty. Camille says nipples are in this season, though, so let’s just go with it and talk about Brandi the next day like normal ladies!

The belly dancing instructor arrives to save everyone from awkwardness, except that the nipples are just THERE. To detract attention from the nipples, Kyle calls the attention back over to herself and does the splits. Kyle, I’ve just about had it with you and your attention-starved splits-doing. In the moment, everyone clapped and cheered gracefully. Because Brandi knows to harbor her resentment inside and let it out LATER.

“I think Kyle is used to having attention put on her, so she doesn’t want to give it up ever. Ever,” Brandi notes. Brandi admits that the mean girls are bothering her by being too rambunctious, and then Kyle highlights Brandi’s nipples with a laser pointer. Real mature, ladies.

Back to Taylor, whose plan to avoid Camille is UH-NOT WORKING-UH. She excuses herself outside, which is something I used to do in high school when I needed to pout that I wasn’t getting enough attention. The gravity of the situation is just tooooo muuuuuuuch. When someone came to get her and ask her if she’s OK, she said, “I’m not.” Which is not the right answer ever. Even if you’re not OK, don’t say you’re not OK.

Adrienne asks her how she’s doing, keeping it light, and Taylor, without any provocation, says,

“I’m hurt. In my life there’s people I trust and there are people I don’t trust.” In return, with her back also to the involved party, D.D. says, “that’s bullsh*t.” Camille tries to stop D.D. from going on crusade, but D.D. has had it. Camille was just trying to be a friend. D.D. and Liz agree, with their backs turned to Taylor, that if you have a problem with someone you should just tell them.

Just as Liz and Brandi (and the others?) agree that as friends they should have Taylor’s back, D.D. confronts Taylor head on.

“I love you. I love you. I don’t understand this.” and Taylor tries to get out but D.D. is forging ahead.

“It was about a simple comment that she could have skirted,” Taylor explains (even though she asked everyone to be honest in the room, remember?), “but she brought up the other stuff.” Then Taylor went into hysteria, talking about her daughter and Kelsey and Camille’s child custody issues. I don’t know that Taylor always has a firm grasp on what is really going on or what conversations are actually about.

“She was the catalyst to a lot that will haunt me, that could have hurt me, that could still hurt me badly,” Taylor says. I don’t know that there’s much point refuting what Taylor says from this point forward, because it’s coming from the edge of a meltdown. Also, a lot of this confrontation is probably fueled by alcohol.

“She was hysterical,” D.D. tells Taylor, who responds, “I’M STILL HYSTERICAL.” Then Taylor points to Camille, who was just walking by, and says, “OUTSIDE.” Camille follows Taylor outside, with D.D. berating Taylor’s manners on the way.

Taylor tells D.D., “if she wants to speak to me she can ask me to speak to me,” then to Camille, “do you want to speak to me?” Camille, clearly the most sober, asks, “what is going on? You said outside, what’s going on?” and Taylor walks away and tells Camille that when she’s ready to speak to her, she can do it without her friends.

WHAT! I can’t even follow the train of thought. All of a sudden, it’s a gaggle of blondes, surrounding D.D. and Taylor. Adrienne is shouting, “stop” and Kyle is off doing the splits somewhere.

“I saw her slowly going off the deep end,” Camille notes in an interview. Cut to Taylor at the edge of the balcony, either threatening to jump or pretending to fall, into the ocean. Maybe a mixture of the two. This is girl party behavior at its absolute worst. She’s a mess.

Brandi, knowing that this party has gone too far, gets in between Taylor and D.D. Kyle sits Taylor down, Camille notes that she hates drama, and then Some Other Liz Person says, “this ocean is going to be here long after we’re all gone.” Thanks for that, Other Liz.

Everyone is trying to speak at once, and trying to pull D.D. away from Taylor. D.D. walks off, things almost calm down for Taylor and Camille to talk,  then D.D. comes back for Round 2, demanding that Taylor and Camille be friends for each other. Taylor crawls on the table, crying and screaming like a woman possessed, coming at D.D. pretty hard.

Then Taylor had a 5th Birthday Party too-much-cake-and-ice-cream meltdown.

“You don’t know what she’s done to me and neither do you and I have problems and IT’S NOT FAIR.” Adrienne literally had to put her hand over Taylor’s mouth. What a f*cking mess. Brandi wishes that Taylor hadn’t come at all (wouldn’t you?), and asks Taylor to leave.

“OH F**K YOU, BRANDI!” Taylor’s demon-possessed inner child says. Then the negative energy ricocheted to Brandi and Kyle, who argued at two frequencies. Kyle pointed and it was all over. It gave Taylor an excuse to get away, and she stormed out the door without her stuff.

“You guys are all embarrassing yourselves by being out of control,” Liz says. Hahaha, love you, Other Liz. As Taylor tries to pretend like she didn’t just have an embarrassing fit, D.D., First Liz, and Camille hash it out in the bathroom. D.D. will not let anyone play the victim or vilify Camille. Damn, wouldn’t we all love to have friends like that? Fiercely loyal, willing to be combative with a crazy person, and full of compliments?

It was time to cut their losses and go home. Wouldn’t it have been more fun to sit down, have another glass, and talk about how crazy that was, though? Poor Brandi. She cries to her bellydancing friend, “I just wanted to fit in.” It was really sad.

“CAN I HAVE A LIGHT?” Drunk Taylor demands in the limo, “CAN I PLEASE GET A LIGHTER? I NEED A CIGARETTE. PULL OVER. STOP. PULL OVER,” she yells. An anonymous hand (the driver I assume?) offers Taylor a lit match for her cigarette. Then she gets more messed up than she was at the ski lodge. Girl is a mess.

Next week the girls go to Vegas, Kim cries, and Taylor chooses not to wear any eye makeup. Yikes!

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).