The Real Housewives of Atlanta are back! I really, honestly missed them over the holidays. And they’re back with Kim and Kandi’s bus tour! Glorious.

I’m learning new things from Phaedra every week. For example, now we know what a “Sip and See” baby-viewing party is. I googled it and it turns out Phaedra did not make it up! Remember how Kim and Phaedra kind of got into it? Well, they did, and Phaedra hasn’t forgotten it. Naturally, Phaedra is citing jealousy as Kim’s/everyone’s primary motivation for gossiping about her. I do feel bad for Apollo, though, and baby Ayden; they probably didn’t need to be dragged into things. Plus, after his appearance on Watch What Happens Live, I kind of like Apollo!

Peter and Cynthia are looking for investors for their restaurant. Because they own that restaurant, remember? Cynthia is ready to sell the restaurant and move on, Peter is not. I really like Cynthia–she’s rational.

The Sip and See: featuring Dwight (and the baby). Phaedra, Apollo, and Ayden were introduced by Dwight in a tuxedo. I was starting to like Dwight last season but now I think he’s an obnoxious stunt queen. All the Housewives come to the party, including Kim who has promised to be nice for an hour then leave. Kim and Phaedra go outside for a smoke and to move on. Also, Kim brought her papes to prove she’s a registered nurse. And it’s real, unlike whatever “Dr.” Tiy-E was waving in front of Sheree’s face.

Kim and Phaedra talk stripping and convicts and now that everything has been addressed, they can get along. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Keepin’ It Real With NeNe! We love it and we need it. Bloop bloop bloop! Her interview with Jermaine Dupri was less than dazzling, mostly because of him. But maybe a little bit because NeNe didn’t do much research. But once they get up and go on the tour, NeNe sparkles.

Sweetie is helping Kim by administering her B12 shot. Oh, Christ! That looks scary! Kim is leaving for seven days, but what makes her daughters cry is the fact that Sweetie is going, too. Kim’s just going to pretend that all those tears are for her. By the way, Kim’s two passions are parenting and music. She is good at one of them.

The promo tour begins! The first stop is Charlotte, NC. Kandi’s tour manager, Don Juan (that is his name), is too organized for Kim. She is convinced that “no one gives a sh*t.” Kim is not feeling the price of fame, nor is she feeling the tour bus. Kandi and Don Juan make a game plan: run things by Sweetie, who is good at passive-aggressively getting Kim to do things. Sweetie was also able to figure out the tour bus toilet. Kim strikes a deal with their bus driver that he can drink if she’s allowed to smoke on the bus. Kim!

Kim wanted to go to a bar so they hit up the “Thirsty Beaver.” Kim’s instincts were right, Don Juan is kind of a douche and a total bummer. The conversation, naturally, turns to Big Poppa and we are all so beyond over it.

Meanwhile in Atlanta, Cynthia and Peter meet with relationship expert Hill Harper. Harper shows up to promote his book, and maybe help Peter and Cynthia along the way. When it comes to finances, it appears they don’t agree on everything, especially since  they own that restaurant together. The “conversation” quickly becomes a shouting match, which Hill Harper has not written a book about. He wraps things up with, “obviously you guys communicate differently, so … communicate better.” Hill Harper, ladies and gentlemen! Just kidding, he had more to say than that. Cynthia requested another session.

Kandi’s mom and aunts are going on their own concert tour! Delightful! Oh check it out, Kroy sent flowers! He reveals his youth in the message, telling Kim, “you’re gonna do awesome.” At least he knew to use “you’re” instead of “your.” As Don Juan tries to get Kim to put her cigarette down and get dressed, Kandi is worried the crowd might boo her (Toto, I don’t think we’re at the White Party anymore.) Wouldn’t that be something!

Finally, Kim is debuting “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” and Kandi just realized that Kim has decided to forget the dance routine. I’m pretty sure Kim said “forget the dance routine” the moment she “learned” it. Kandi performed “I Haven’t Loved Right” acapella and it was great, but probably not what the people at the hip hop club wanted to hear. Regardless, it went well! Next stop: Orlando (and DRAMA.)

(image courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).