Listen. It’s not really fair for me to ask that question in the headline, because I have already come to a conclusion about it, and I’m guessing you won’t be able to sway me. Still, I’d like to hear from anyone who can argue that Jersey Shore is still as “good” (“good” as in disgusting-guilty-pleasure-horror-tainment) as it used to be. Because it is not–objectively, clearly, un-argue-against-ably, NOT. But you are allowed to have your wrong opinion, because this is America. If anything, the existence of Jersey Shore season 3 proves just how America-y, in the “just be a monster and we’ll not only allow it but pay you to do it, maybe forever” sense, America has become.
Imagine you had a favorite pet as a kid. And then, when that beloved pet died, imagine your parents had it stuffed and forced you to keep playing with it. That is what Jersey Shore season 3 is like. Although, for that analogy to work, you have to have sort of love-hated the pet to begin with. Maybe it was a really cute rattlesnake. Jersey Shore season 1 was our beloved pet rattlesnake, Jersey Shore season 2 was our rattlesnake’s funeral, and Jersey Shore season 3 is its impossibly-slowly decaying corpse being tossed and carted around Weekend At Bernie’s-style. It’s not only disgusting, but also sort of … disrespectful to the spirit of season 1? And there is really no point recapping it, because the show is recapping itself at this point. By which I mean that it’s all the same old fights and quotes and ideas and situations (ugh) from all the same old people, rehashed back and forth forever like a dead rattlesnake stuffed into the shape of eating its own tail.
And yet last night’s premiere got 8.5 million viewers, making it MTV’s biggest telecast EVER? The world: It’s mind-bottling.
So, obviously, for as pointless and aggravating I find Jersey Shore season 3, I still have some very strong opinions about it. Which I will now list, in list-form, because that’s what lists are.
- As far as I can tell, the literalization of the general problem with Jersey Shore season 3 came in the first few minutes of the premiere, when everyone rolled up to the old house in BMWs and black towncars with tinted windows. Are they even going to pretend to have a job this summer? Is it going to be money laundering? (Like, at a money launder-omat?)
- Raise your e-hand if, like me, the only cast member you were truly excited to see again was the Duck Phone.
- Sammi’s new nickname for JWoww is “whorebag.” That seems redundant when her nickname is already “JWoww.”
- Does ANYBODY care about Sammi and Ronnie anymore? Personally, I am not even on the edge of my seat about the clip of her punching him in the face later this season. Unless Maury gets involved as a mediator.
- What’s the big deal about Vinny’s shower caddy? Is it that it’s too girly? Too juvenile? Too … hygienic?
- The Situation really wants us all to know that he’s been reading his Merriam-Webster “word of the day” emails. In the first episode, he managed to say “baffling,” “survey the area,” AND “audacious.”
- I’m no longer watching the fights on this show like they are fights between people I know about issues that I understand. I’m watching them like I am sitting in a bar and two girls just start duking it out across the room: Just sort of staring, half entertained but mostly watching out of some intrinsic human “trainwreck view” necessity, because what am I going to do, NOT watch a girl-fight that’s right in front of me?
- Regarding Deena flashing her “kooka” to Mike: Meh.
- Regarding Snooki still having feelings for Vinny: The suspense is ruined given that everyone* knows she has a new boyfriend and has had one for a few months now. (*Everyone meaning people like me who read Jersey Shore “news.”)
- Ronnie and Sammi can’t remember Deena’s name, which seems a bit pretentious of them, given that no one else can remember WHY THEY ARE [PAID A TON OF MONEY TO BE] ON THIS SHOW. “Hello, 911? Send help. My friend was watching Jersey Shore, and Ronnie and Sammi put her into a boredom-induced coma.”
- OK, I lied: The other cast member I was “excited” to see was Deena. Some new blood is good for the vitality (haha, what a word for Jersey Shore) of the show. But ALL new blood would be even better. If they’re going to replace the cast members one by one, this is going to take forever. I call for a full slate-cleaning. Who’s with me? At least it seems that Sammi will be next.
Even though I’m not pleased with season 3 so far, I’ll still be watching, reporting on the big stuff as it happens (if it happens) and bringing you the “best quotes” of every episode. (Because what am I going to do, NOT watch? It’s my job!) Here are the choice quotables for this week:
(Image courtesy of MTV)