Previously on Big Brother 9: The most predictable week of Big Brother ever. After Adam won HoH, we all knew Sharon and James would eventually be going up, and James would be evicted unless he won PoV, in which case Sharon would go. Since PoV was the only thing that matter in getting James out, Adam didn’t waste time nominating him, but when Ryan won PoV, Team Christ successfully backdoored James.
Just like last week’s eviction episode, the first 45 minutes will not matter at all. We’ll see James go crazy (like Chelsia) because he has nothing to lose since he knows he’s going home, so he might as well have fun and treat everyone the way he thinks they should be treated. Then by a vote of 3-0, Julie Chen will say, “James, you have been evicted from the Big Brother house.” Let’s get this started, those of you who are bothering to watch this show instead of “Idol Gives Back.”
After the “previously on” segment, Julie Chen delivers a shot-by-shot description of those same events, speaking to us like we’re little children. This is followed by the blue screen of the PoV ceremony. Five minutes in, and still no new content!
James’ strategy is to prove he’s the only one capable of taking out Natalie. Um, did I miss something? When did Natalie become the big scary threat as opposed to the brainless, possibly mentally retarded bimbo?
Much as I hate Natalie and her dumb ways, James is exhibiting major signs of douchebaggery.
At this point, with James a total afterthought, the tides turn to a gender game, with Adam and Ryan vs. Natalie, Sheila, and Sharon. But even Sheila and Sharon hate Natalie, so it’s really the girls vs. the guys vs. Natalie.
Natalie runs to Adam and tells him Sheila wants him out. She’s wielding a spatula and sporting the craziest eyes ever. Is everyone in this house really stupid enough to listen to Natalie? It’s like the dumb leading the dumb. I’m too over these whiny people and their countless scheming and double-crossing to really care.
Sheila calls Natalie the female version of James. I honestly have no idea if that’s a compliment, an insult, a snarky commentary on their shared mental debilitation, or what.
Julie Chen checks in, and the HGs go nuts as usual. A viewer asks Natalie what religion has to do with the game. She gives a dumb answer. She and Sharon both believe God determines who plays the game because God has nothing better to do than watch these idiots. Adam gets to do a personal ad on national TV for all the ladies waiting for him when he gets out. Sheila sends a message of love to her son.
Today’s pre-taped segment is about Sharon, the least interesting person in the house. Sharon’s dad is an ex-Marine, and he’s wearing about a gazillion medals on his chest during the interview. They’re everything I would expect from a Kansas family. We review Sharon’s car accident in October and how she thought God saved her. Or else it was the seat belt.
Sorry, overly religious people, I’m OK with you believing what you want, but don’t go claiming that God has a literal effect on the real world. God doesn’t protect you in a car accident or let you stay in the Big Brother house. He helps you spiritually and emotionally, but He has nothing to do with the physical world. If He did, then it would mean our entire lives are predetermined and we have no free will at all, and that makes life completely worthless.
Now that my sermon is over, we catch up with the Jury House! At first, Matt was lonely, because his thoughts make terrible roommates. Chelsia busts in and jumps all over him. He immediately tries to hook up with her, and she’s having none of it. The next week, Joshuah walks in, and the two are kind of confused. Matt compares Joshuah to a girl on her period.
Matt wants Natalie to win because she’ll probably buy him something nice. It’s hilarious to watch Joshuah and Chelsia mock Natalie mercilessly as Matt sulks.
Nominee speeches. Yawn.
Natalie votes to evict…JAMES.
Ryan votes to evict…JAMES.
Sheila votes to evict…JAMES.
Man, that Jury House is going to get even more awful for Matt.
After a C-Break, Julie drops the bomb. I’m kind of impressed that Julie always says “gather their belongings,” never slipping and giving it away early.
He exits without making a big ordeal of it, which is surprisingly classy of him. Julie doesn’t ask the question everyone wants her to, about the whole gay porn thing, so we must wait a little longer for that shoe to drop.
Ryan’s farewell speech is so stupid and makes him look like a giant dumb gorilla. Natalie is all sanctimonious in her speech, and Sheila says he reminds her of her son. What an awful thing to say. On the bright side, James, like me, says he hates Ryan and Natalie for what they stand for (ignorant, self-righteous hypocrisy).
HoH Competition! They’re in glass houses, and the floor will fall out. The last person remaining in the box wins. An endurance competition? Again? I hate this stupid show. The narrator guy, in the beginning, promised we’d find out who was evicted and who would be the next HoH.
Oh well, off to the forums I go to follow the live feed updates. I’ll be back later tonight with a full recap, and hopefully, we’ll have the results by then.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of BigBrotherCaps)