This week on Bachelor Pad, Chris whines about his misfortunes, Michael is confident, Kalon is a villain and the girls cry. Sound familiar and predictable? It is — and it isn’t, which makes this episode so entertaining to watch.

Licking His Wounds

Chris is like a pouty child who hides in his room because things didn’t go his way. No one feels sorry for you, buddy. No. One. Except Sarah, who climbs up into his bed and under the covers to console him.

The more he goes on about how he can’t trust anyone, and about his two best friends who lied to him, the more I can’t stand him. I liked him on The Bachelorette, but it’s time to cut him loose. I’m really hoping it’s some awesome foreshadowing when a rose is found in his bed, and all the petals have fallen off. Chris then throwing the petals at Kalon … this might be one of my favorite moments of the show.

I’m MAD at you, so I’m going to throw these red rose petals at you and pretend that they’re really heavy books! Take that, evil guy! I hate you.

Blakeley’s Unfair “Hooters” Advantage 

I’m with Erica here. Why isn’t there a competition that plays to her shopping strengths? At least we’ll see her actually trying, instead of strolling along with her plate. I mean, geez, Erica. We know Blakeley’s 13 years of carrying stacks of plates and cups may give her the edge, but at least pretend you’re trying. What is this, a competition with a lot of money at stake?

This competition is making me mad while watching it. How many cups and plates do the women alone go through? Hundreds? Every time I hear the shattering of china, I’m thinking, what a wonderful country we live in! But seriously, there needs to be some sort of mercy rule, unless they’re making a fool of themselves. In that case, I’ll keep watching.

After a few moments of false hope that someone would fiiiiiinally win, it comes down to Sarah and Blakeley. Sarah would’ve won if she totally didn’t cheat to get disqualified. I love how she then complains about her injustice. You broke a rule. Don’t pretend that you didn’t do it when there are cameras around, genius.

The men fare far better than the women, making their performance seem that much more pathetic. 

Blakeley coaching her new partner, Tony, on the sidelines is driving me crazy, and I’m just watching! How the heck is Tony dealing with it? Very, very well, it turns out … since he pulls out the win! On top of that, he gushes over Blakeley, giving him the motivation and coaching to win. 

Seriously? Can you see the face I’m making as I’m typing this?

Jewelry and a Bentley: Date No. 1

Because Blakeley and Tony are going on their date together, Blakeley gives her rose to … Kalon. Oh, the sweet, sweet irony watching Chris having to watch his evil partner not only win a competition, but save his latest sworn enemy.

Kalon takes Lindzi, of course, and we’re subjected to some pretty boring normalcy in their date. It feels forced as they talk about Kalon’s image — blah, blah. I still can’t get a grasp of Lindzi’s personality. 

But they like each other, they have an entire bridge to themselves, complete with a chandelier, and they make out on the hood of a Bentley. Life can’t get much more better than that.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Chris seems to emerge from his wallowing and is back in game mode. And since Kalon is his sworn enemy who’s also safe, Chris decides to go after Lindzi.

Map and a Jeep: Date No. 2

You know when someone gushes about something or is too confident about something else, the exact opposite is likely to happen? That’s what happens with Blakeley and her overnight date. She’s been fantasizing about something extravagant — maybe a helicopter! Or a boat!

It’s cruel fate that she and Tony end up in the middle of nowhere … with a trailer. They’re roughing it, Bachelor Pad-style. Which isn’t saying much — they get a grill. A GRILL. But Blakeley fakes it about making the most of the moment, and then something weird happens.

There appears to be chemistry between polar opposites — even Chris and Kalon say so. It’s odd. So very odd. But I can see how it works. Tony’s the complete opposite of Chris. Tony isn’t so much like Blakeley, so he’s different than the guys that she’s used to, guys who end up breaking her heart.

Back at the house, Chris is unbelievably catty and talking crap about Blakeley and Tony. The guy just doesn’t know when to let it go. It looks even bad because Blakeley, while she absolutely wants Chris out, doesn’t spend every waking moment bashing him, and she doesn’t do it on her date — from what we see, of course.

The Fourth Save

Tony has the decision to give a rose to a woman, since he went on his date with Blakeley. Chris campaigns hard to get him to save Sarah…

And then he pulls a move that he pulled on The Bachelorette!

While Tony is up there ready to announce his decision, Chris interrupts and delivers what I’m pretty sure is the exact same line — “Can I talk to you?” — that he gave Emily last season in a last-ditch attempt to save him.

Chris is THAT guy! He’s the rose ceremony interrupter guy!

Shaking Things Up

The week’s big twist: Everyone will vote for one woman to go home. Then the eliminated woman will make the sole decision on which guy to send home.

I don’t like this. I don’t like it at all. Why is it the woman who gets to decide? Why can’t the house all vote on the guy? Because the entire house would vote for Chris! Is this some sort of conspiracy — giving him kind of a “pass” for another week?

I don’t know if it’s crazy talk, but the moment that the house votes for the woman to go home instead of the guy, Chris gets that much safer.

But then again, it helps that Michael is completely cocky and a jerk. Michael is the mastermind of a plan to send Erica home and then plant the seed that Chris was the one who came up with everything, so she will vote him as well.

Didn’t he learn with Reid and Ed that you can’t get so confident? At one point, he’s bragging that he’s not only certain Erica will go home, but he knows the exact vote count.

Someone punch him in the face, please.

A Lie Exposed

Slowly, though, Michael’s plan starts to unravel, and it’s sweet, crazy victory. People talk, they put things together — Chris decides to brilliantly and literally show Erica him casting his vote to get rid of Lindzi, which exposes Michael’s lie, since he told Erica that Chris voted for her to leave.

Just when you think things are predictable — bam! Erica gets eliminated and takes Michael down with her! And she totally calls him out, and rightfully so. And all he can do is turn beet red and shake his head and stumble over his words.

Erica gives a solid speech about breaking up an alliance and then sending home someone she thought was her friend. Rachel then cries — a lot — and wants to leave the game. But Michael wants her to play hard with MIA Nick, and she tearfully stays.

Checkmate, Michael. You lost. You should not have even been on the show again after winning in the first place! So, whatever. Bye.

Esther Gim
Contributing Writer

(Image courtesy of ABC)

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Esther Gim

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV