America's Next Top Model Recap: Smile With Your Eyes, Die On The Inside
America's Next Top Model Recap: Smile With Your Eyes, Die On The Inside
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Welcome to our weekly meeting of ANTM-oholics Not-So-Anonymous! (I wrote that on a whim, but now that I think about it... Tyra is kind of like a bad booze habit. I know taking in so much of her in one night is bad for me, but I can't help myself. It's just... SO. MUCH. FUN!)

To begin the episode, Bianca is reeling from her near elimination last week, and vows to never be in the Bottom 2 ever again. Could she be trying to say she'll be losing the attitude? NEVER! An ego as well nurtured as hers doesn't just disappear overnight. To escape elimination this week, Bianca will need to learn to photograph as well as Naomi Campbell to justify her Naomi-sized ego, or just pray that someone else ends up looking even worse. I'd go with the latter. And pray HARD.

In other short news, Rachel used to be a Wal-Mart cashier, and Courtney is "so over" having a broken foot, so she can't wait to--oh wait, it's time for TYRA MAIL!

"Your career will be short if you don't measure up."

The next day, the girls are taken to Wilhemina headquarters, where Nigel introduces them to Sean Patterson, the president of the agency. Nigel and Sean meet with each girl individually to see about her modeling potential and personality.

But not before giving us (and the girls) our All About Tyra Moment of the week:
DID YOU KNOW? Tyra Banks sought 6 agencies before she was signed as a young model, and SHE'S 5'10''! Wooooooow.

Interview highlights:
  • Lulu says she loves fashion, but can't name a photographer she admires
  • Courtney impresses them by walking on her broken foot
  • Jennifer explains that her lazy eye is due to a condition called "ptosis," and she's worried it could hurt her chances in the competiton
  • Rachel says she has a musical theater background, but she can't sing a single lyric of a song when they ask. Her walk sucks, too. Uh oh...
  • Sundai worries Sean with how short she is (5'3'')
  • Bianca may have too "severe" a look for Wilhemina

After the interviews, Nigel and Sean tell the girls that one of them will be eliminated... RIGHT NOW.

Oh no!

Sean announces that the girl going home is... Rachel.

rachel.jpgPoor girl couldn't handle the pressure, and now she's lost her chance. After escorting a very sad Bambi (like, post-mother-deer-getting-shot sad) off the premises, the overall lesson is once again drilled into our tiny competitors: short models need to work EXTRA HARD to stand out in the business, and Rachel lacked the charisma (and song lyric-recall) to do that.

But there's no time to let the lesson sink in and get sad becau--TYRA MAIL!

"A top model knows to never mask her best asset. It's time to separate the super models from the mere models."

The "SMEYES" Challenge:
The girls go to a photo studio, where a terrible actor posing as a photographer asks them for the perfect picture in 1 take. None of the girls gives him what he wants (duh), until... Tyra comes out and tries her hand at the impossible task:

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"NO NO NO!" he goes on a rambling tirade about how terrible she is and how short her models are. (Somebody didn't get his script until this morning! And somebody is also such a bad actor that he probably agreed to be paid in Applebee's gift certificates!)

But OHHHH did he just make Tyra angry. SO ANGRY that she's not Tyra! She's... SUPER SMEYES!

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(Yes, that's a word, apparently! "Smeyes"! NO, NOT LIKE S'MORES! Wait actually, yes, kind of like "s'mores," because they are both made-up words about things that should be put into a fire.)

So "smeyes" means "smiling with your eyes," and Tyra proceeds to teach each girl how to do it: think of something delicious, put your hand on your stomach, pretend your boyfriend is kissing your neck while not pursing your mouth, hop on one foot and don't blink and...  wait, VOILA! There it is:

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OR, the shortcut version: open up your eyes really wide and stare straight ahead.

After individually coaching each girl in the art of "smeyezzzz," Tyra then forces them into pink hazmat suits with ninja hoods (because, duh, obviously, that just MAKES SENSE) before entering her "Fortress of Fierceness."

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The girls go eye-to-eye in epic battles of their personal SMEYYYYES POWER that is actually just a measure of each girl's ability to not look stoned:

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Or squint under the bright lights:

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Or be an Asian girl with an embarrassing eye condition:

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To add insult to injury, Bianca won by smeyezzzing with her sleeping meds. But seriously, poor Jennifer! I am not smiling with my eyes right now, too busy am I :(ing with my keypad.

Thankfully for the losers, the prize for the winners (Courtney, Lulu, Laura, Kara, Brittany, and Bianca) is... ehhhh: they get to go out to dinner with Sean Patterson, while the losers have to do the dishes at the restaurant (but not cook, or serve, or be supervised by the actual restaurant staff). Sean gives the winners tips about making it in the 'biz as a short girl, but he leaves out the biggest tip of all: win this competition, and then he's obligated to give you a contract for $100K, no matter how stumpy he thought you were in your interview.

But, oh, dinner schminner, because it's time for TYRA MAIL!

"In some professions, being small is a big advantage."

The next morning, the girls are sent to the horse track where Seabiscuit became famous (a short horse, an underdog... you're getting this analogy, yes?) and Jay Manuel gives them their photo assignment: pose on a live horse, with a jockey... nude! All while "SMEEEEYEZING!" (Which Jay says with just the right amount of self-loathing.)

Did he just say "nude?" Well, not nude. Topless. With long wigs to cover their breasts. So... not really topless. But still. HORSES!

The Photo Shoot:
  • Rae, Brittany, Erin, Laura, Sundai and Kara impress Jay.
  • Jay says Jennifer has "drunk eye," which she explains is a medical condition, and he's like, "Okay, well... fix it anyway."
  • Nicole feels "awkward and uncomfortable," though it's hard to tell if that's specific to this situation, or just her life in general.
  • Ashley is too serious and "pose-y," while Lulu comes off as insecure and tense.
  • Courtney immediately gets mad that she has to keep on her broken foot's boot, and she looks like she wants to beat up Jay in all her film.
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  • Bianca, too, looks like she wants to bring a world of hurt upon the lens, and LO AND BEHOLD! It's because she hates her blonde wig. To be fair, it hates her right back:
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Remember Wesley Snipes in To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar?

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That's all I have to say.

Judging Panel:
  • Kara: not smeyyyyyeeesing, but still OK
  • Ashley: looks bored and overposed (The final shot is actually her light test shot because it was the only one she looked relaxed in.)
  • Jennifer: the eyes look uneven (Because they ARE uneven.)
  • Lulu: She thinks that she "schmized," they think she looks sweet
  • Brittany: fierce, and she's posing "H to T"
  • Bianca: looks slightly annoyed and tense
  • Laura: BAM! sex appeal, and her body looks very fashion-y
  • Sundai: her eyes are lost and she's pursing the mouth, but she looks lovely
  • Rae: Madonna-weird... in a good way
  • Nicole: Good body, looks tall, face is sweet and melancholy
  • Erin: broken, aggressive, powerful
  • Courtney: looks angry and boring (She admits she was angry, and Tyra says she sabotaged herself by giving up at the beginning.)

Elimination:

Tyra calls out the winning photo, which belongs to...

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Erin

She then calls out, in order:
Brittany
Laura
Nicole
Kara
Jennifer
Sundai
Rae
Lulu
Ashley

Bottom 2: Bianca and Courtney

Tyra tells the bottom 2 that the judges were so perceptive that they could tell Bianca was thinking about her makeup and her hair, and being unhappy with it again. Meanwhile, Courtney disappointed them because she gave up.

Tyra calls Bianca. Courtney gets the boot (again).

Courtney leaves, admitting she is disappointed with herself for not making it farther, but... how far could she really go on a broken foot? The Fortress of Freaks loses another member, and the remaining 11 forge on in their goal to become America's Next Short Tyra-tot. Til next week...



-Meghan Carlson, BuddyTV Staff Writer
Images courtesy of the CW

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