Remember when Drunk Sarah buh-roke the bow off Heather’s cake and ate it? I sure do. No one seems to be able to forget it. Some gay voice of reason with his back to the camera tried to tell Sara “you have to let them cut the cake before you can eat the bow,” but no one listened to HIM. All grumpy about all the serious conversations she was forced to have at a party, Tamra follows Gretchen into a side room to receive a present.

Gretchen got Tamra a bracelet, just as Tamra got one for Gretchen with a key to lock up the past on it. Tamra’s bracelet has a lock on it because they’re friends now, a purse because they always dress the same, and a heart that says “unbreakable” on it because she just really loves that movie starring Bruce Willis. No, it’s because Tamra is unbreakable! I want one.

“I love you,” Tamra tells Gretchen, and it’s a true moment of friendship. I’m glad they’re friends. It’s fun!

Sarah stomps into Heather’s kitchen to say, “Heather, honestly, over a cake?” But Heather Dubrow will NOT have her party ruined over a cake. Not over some drunk, Vegas-lookin’, skinny jerk.

“Get Terry, and Gretchen, and Alexis in here now,” Heather calls to Slade. They’ve been called to evacuate Crazy Sarah. Bringing Alexis in was a bad decision, as she just starts yelling “WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW? WHAT IS THE BIG PROBLEM” and clapping her hands. Slade, in a winning move, steps in to try to reason with these hysterical, wine-drunk women. Alexis puts her claws in Slade’s face, which pisses Gretchen off. Everyone is mad at everyone.

“I apologize, I took a piece of your cake,” Sarah confesses.
“WE HEARD.” Heather says. Delightful.

“I’m tired of these fake ass people,” Sarah says, stomping down the stairs, “is this the world we live in? Over a piece of cake?” Yes, Sarah, this is the world you live in.

Vicki pulls Ryan aside to apologize to him. But the apology will be backhanded. Oh yes. She apologized for attacking Ryan when she was really upset with Brianna, but she also tacked on that she feels like Brooks is getting the same treatment. Have you seen her coat, by the way? It’s from Brooks. Vicki says she is worried Ryan will take Brianna away from her and she’d never see her daughter again.

“If your daughter gets away from you that’s on you, not me,” Ryan says wisely. But Vicki isn’t self-aware enough to hear that. They go back and forth, Ryan saying things that might be worthwhile to hear, and Vicki repeating back to him what he says and adding on “so is Brooks.” She hugs him and tells him it’s weird.

Meanwhile, Alexis is defending Jim to Brooks, as though anyone cared. He didn’t go to the party because he hates those people and he’s lame, but Alexis respects him for “taking a stance and doing it.” But the stance was NOT taken, because Jim walks in the front door dressed like he’s about to perform in a community theatre production of Macbeth.

“Can I get you a drink?” he asks Alexis, and she turns around and screams like it’s her Sweet Sixteen and Usher just showed up to perform. “YOU KNEW!” she squeals to Heather. But Heather did not know, nor did she care. This is not a surprise treat for Alexis, Jim just showed up to get in on this finale.

“I’m so glad you could make it,” Heather lies. She thinks there will be trouble with Jim here, especially because Tamra got Terry in trouble with Alexis, and therefore him. But that will brew slowly. Meanwhile, Tamra and Gretchen’s friendship is making Vicki boil over.

Tamra and Slade are buddy-buddy, Gretchen and Tamra kiss to share lipgloss, Vicki looks on with hatred burning in her eyes. “I’m going to tell her she’s a brown-noser,” Vicki decides. She goes over and tells Tamra to close her eyes, intending to put brown on her nose. Rude.

“Are you and I OK?” Terry asks Jim, and Jim says, “we’ll talk next week.” Terry, still jovial, asks, “can’t we talk now?” and Alexis butts in, “but honey, it’s really awkward right now, to go talk.”

“Really? Really? Are you wearing the pants, or …?” Jim slurs. He pulls Terry aside to chat. He confronts Terry about the “phoniest person you’ve ever met” comment. Terry cops to calling Alexis phony, though. Heather intervenes, fortunately, and things are going fine until Tamra sits down. Jim gets up, and I don’t know that Tamra is the proper influence on the conversation. But Jim walked out, without even checking in on Alexis.

Poor Terry and Heather, they just want to have a nice, drama-free party. Alexis chases after Jim’s car, yelling “BABE!” until he stops and lets her in. Good riddance.

Gretchen, Tamra, Vicki, and Brooks join Tamra, Eddie, and the Dubrows at the Truth Table. They all toast, bleary-eyed, and Vicki shrieks “WHERE’S ALEXIS?!” and toasts to her. Tamra rolls her eyes, and Brooks confronts her like a petulant child. He’s not choosing his battles well, this Brooks.

Tamra and Vicki’s friendship comes up, and something that has or hasn’t been brewing is about to come to a head. “I’ll always have your back,” Brooks tells Vicki. But Tamra is not done.

“What’s your problem?!” Tamra asks Brooks, set off by the words “evil eye.” No one is making sense, but Tamra is ready for a fight, and tells Vicki to stop letting Brooks tell her what to think.

“HE DASN’T TALL ME WHAT TO THINK!” Vicki spits. They go at each other’s faces across the table, and Vicki gets up to leave, taking her new fur with her. Tamra follows.

“YAR SUPPOSED TA BE MY FRAND!” Vicki continues. So as a friend, Tamra is not supposed to speak ill of the man Vicki loves. “YOU BE QUIET,” Vicki hisses, “I’M NOT SCAREDA YOU.”

“F**k you,” Tamra decides in a confessional. And Vicki decides that the friendship is over. Tamra goes to Brianna to collaborate on their “Vicki/Brooks is awful” theory. They only fight because they care. They validate each other’s feelings about Brooks, and Vicki can go home to cry in her coat.

Vicki tells Ryan to go get Brianna because she doesn’t want Tamra poisoning her mind. Heather runs out to see if Vicki could be persuaded to stay for her champagne diamond toast, if she could peel herself away from the moment at all to be polite at a friend’s party. Brooks vehemently defends himself for no reason to Heather, and that is brushed aside.

Brianna arrives, and meets with Vicki to talk her down. “Tell me your side of the story,” Brianna offers. Vicki is difficult, stubborn, and dismissive. Brooks decides they’re not going to alienate themselves, so they’re going in for the toast. Just to make it super awkward.

Heather, at long last, raises a glass. She changed her name, she sees precious metal in everyone, and now the cake is on fire. Vicki puts a damper on the toast, though. She steps in with her glass to propose her own … toast?

“I want to say I’m sorry for leaving, however that’s what I do when I get confronted. The bottom line is that I’ve never been happier, and everyone’s just going to have to deal with it. I love Brooks, he’s my man, you’re either in you’re out. So, cheers.” And she made them clink glasses to that. That was some craziness.

Oh, and Tamra got the diamond. Again.

So how does it end for them all? Heather is going to forge ahead with the restaurant, Tamra and Eddie are getting married and Vicki isn’t invited yet, Brianna had a real wedding and is 6 months pregnant, Slade and Gretchen are talking about having a baby but not a wedding, Vicki is clinging tightly to Brooks, who she broke up with and got back together with again, Alexis is not on Fox 5 anymore but she IS OPENING A TRAMPOLINE PARK WITH JIM. They truly saved the best for last.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).