Nick Cannon is on top of a rock formation, looking out into the canyon below, and I am nervous. He does a lot of things that I would consider unsafe, but I err on the side of caution. Anyway, it’s my favorite week of America’s Got Talent programming! It’s Vegas Week! No more Nick Cannon jumping on stage, no more Howie making fun of people who don’t know they’re being made fun of. We’ve narrowed it down to some good acts, and now the actual talent show part begins.

OK, there are still a few clunkers left, but that keeps things interesting enough. The judges approach the hoard of acts from a balcony. They didn’t throw crumbs at them from above, that I know of. The acts are in two groups: the judges’ favorites and the standby acts. The judges’ favorites will perform first and the standy acts will perform after for any spots left. Some acts aren’t even in either group, they are getting cut without performing or anything. They just dressed up and flew to Vegas for no reason.

A lot of our favorite acts are also judges’ favorites. Some acts are pleased just to make it on a list, though, after that devastating revelation that some people are wasting their time here. Aren’t we all a little bit? Some of the best acts, the Bandbaz brothers and that amazing, best ever dog act, are not on any list. Does that mean they get to go straight to the live shows? I hope so, because that dog act is TOO SPECTACULAR. All these awesome acts are surprised, they thought everyone really liked them! Did you shoot out of a cannon for nothing, human cannon ball?

They hit the stage, along with a couple less memorable acts. The Bandbaz brothers, Charlie C, and Ivy Rose step forward to hear that this is the end of the road. Really? The Bandbaz brothers? I refuse to accept that. The other three acts on stage are told they will automatically advance to the live shows in New York. That guy will shoot himself out of a cannonball again!

Speaking of outside acts, it’s time for the danger category. All Wheel Sports is up first, doing every single acrobatic and wheel-related stunt available to them. Howard thought it was too much, and so did American BMX Stunt Team. But American BMX Stunt Team, after much nerve-wracking high flying, has a crash. I guess he’s OK, but the bike isn’t.

New Guard America tossed their bayonettes around a beautiful sexy lady, then Cristin Sandu did some more crazy balancing. I hate the danger category! My nerves can’t take it. Up next is Ben Blaque, or who you might know as “that crossbow guy.” His sexy assistant holds up balloons and paper for him to crossbow, and then she blindfolds him, he prepares to shoot it backwards. She tells him how to position it, and he pops the balloon. They pose for the audience, and Howard says “thank you.” So awkward with no audience reaction. Can’t we find a happy medium between no reaction/audience and thousands of people booing and holding their arms over their heads in “X”s?

Up next are the singers. Mary Joyner sings first, about as unimpressively to me as the first time, and it looks like the shine has worn off for the judges, too. Her vibrato is just too fast. “She blew it,” Howard said. Roxy Doll (who?), Brianna Price, and Cecilia Detwiler also blew it. I certainly hope this is the year for anything but a vocalist. Luna was too nervous at her audition in St. Louis, and it appears she is overcome with nerves in Vegas too. She stops herself, and the other crappy female vocalists breathe a sigh of relief. What a depressing group. Luna is eliminated immediately, and I say send them all home.

Nikki Jensen hits the stage next, and actually does pretty well. She is a breath of fresher air to the judges, so she’s in a good position for the female vocalist group. The next goruping is “dance teams/crews” and there are so many of them that they’re all making each other nervous. Funk Beyond Control dressed like the Lion King Broadway show, All That! clogged the crap out of the stage, and Loyalty Dance Team was ready to take on that team that is all about being from Puerto Rico. Loyalty Dance Team was pretty great. 787 Crew was impressed. 787 Crew was way better, though, until someone got crotched in the head. You can’t always wear your hair so high.

Up next, it’s the group that includes Nick Cannon’s favorite act: the guy who gets kicked in the nuts! The Novelty Group is sure to be a highlight. It’s got all the goods! Horse, the King of Nut Shots, is ready to get kicked even harder. He pulls a wagon of his buddies out with his crotch, then gets bowling balled, biked into, and torched/kicked. In spite of myself, I laughed the entire time.

All Beef Patty sang some Carrie Underwood, and should have been in the female vocalist category to show those ladies what was up. Then Joe Castillo, one of my favorite acts, did some more awesome sand performance art. I also cracked up at Todd Oliver and Irving, dog ventriloquist. The light acts start checking each other out nervously.

The Light Wire Theater
doesn’t really have my heart as much as the Aurora Light Painters, but the light acts tend to stick around.

The classical singers category is up next. Andrew De Leon is a favorite, but he will compete against Simply Sergio, who is terrible but described his audition as “awesome” and forgot the words halfway through. Luiz Meneghin is actually talented, and has a sad story about the bank foreclosing on his house to boot now. He was good, but apologized for not doing as well as he wanted to. Andrew De Leon continues to captivate, despite also forgetting to keep singing, and there will surely be an outrage if he’s eliminated before we have a chance to vote him to the moon.

What will happen? Who will go home? We’ll find out Tuesday night as Vegas week continues! I can’t wait to see that little kid who is sassy again.

(images courtesy of NBC)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).