Big changes (or rather, small changes) are coming to The Real Housewives of Orange County this week. For starters. Tamra is getting her implants removed. She doesn’t need big boobs for her power anymore. Alexis is getting her nose fixed in more ways than one. It’s not just to have the bump taken out, GAWD.

Oh my god, watching it is absolutely stomach-turning, though. Did you see how easy it was for them to break her nose? Oh god. In a third hospital, Vicki meets her son to tell him about Brianna’s condition. They removed a lot of tumors and nodules from her thyroid and it doesn’t look good.

Heather is working on something that’s not surgery: pouring sparkling cider for her kids. They keep asking for more bubbles. “It doesn’t work like that,” she tells them matter-of-factly. Heather doesn’t cook, but she does put food on plates. She wants to open a restaurant. “Why can’t the OC be New York?” The restaurant should be called. “It’s just a fun pet project for us,” Heather smiles. It doesn’t work like that.

Gretchen is meeting Robin Antin, owner of the Pussycat Dolls franchise, to help them open up the Pussycat Saloon or what have you in Vegas. Robin tells Gretchen it’s all about practicing. Gretchen is worried for her singing voice, which is “messed up” from yelling at Vicki. They watch rehearsal and Gretchen is immediately intimidated.

Vicki gives Tamra an update outside the hospital. Brianna is in a lot of pain and can’t talk because of where the tumor was, but this has brought Vicki back down to earth. Down to earth to smother Brianna. She’s just doing her best.

Alexis is in another recovery bed, covered in bandages and cold things.

Heather has invited Vicki and Tamra to join her in her fancypants world. They take a helicopter ride from OC to LA to meet Heather’s friends whose kids think everybody has a helicopter. How obnoxious. Six of them want to open up a restaurant together, you know, as a lark. “We really ARE best friends!” they tell Vicki. I’m with Vicki: this is a terrible idea.

Heather and her BFFs meet a successful restaurant manager, who suggests drafting up a written agreement. They ask questions that Heather calls “the nitty gritty,” which prove they really have no idea what they’re doing.

AHHH Alexis! Who does she look like? Michael Jackson?

She looks ridiculous, visiting her cosmetic surgeon to see pictures of the crap they pulled out of her nose. She’s mad at Gretchen for not visiting her on the day of her surgery, and blames the new friendship with Tamra. Without her sunglasses and additional bandages, Alexis looks even sillier. But she hopes taking the bump out will help her appearance on FOX 5 News. …

Heather and her vaguely British/affected friends are not discouraged by all the details. They just can’t wait to try this thing and have a place to hang out. It was a good idea to bring Vicki, the voice of reason. Vicki pops up from the table for a phone call from Brooks.

On the way home, Tamra and Vicki agree that it was so nice to be around a group of girls who liked each other and didn’t bash one another to each other’s faces. But that’s why that group of gal pals doesn’t have its own reality show. The finalization of Tamra’s divorce is upcoming, and she reflects on that on the limo (not helicopter) ride home.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).