In a rare departure from her typical Bachelorette blogging style, Emily Maynard shared something completely hilarious and awesome about Alessandro, the Brazilian “grain merchant,” word-vomit sufferer and cousin-loving “gypsy king,” in her blog this week:

The rose ceremony was crazy, to say the least! Alessandro’s comments definitely threw me for a loop, but that wasn’t even the craziest thing he said. What you all didn’t get to see is that he thinks of himself as a “Vampire Detector” and let me know that not only was there a vampire in the house, but he also had me join him in the woods, which explains my combat boots as I was walking him out.

When he took me out to his special place in the woods, I saw that he had hung crosses from every limb on every tree and in that moment I knew we were living on completely different planets. I do appreciate Alessandro’s honesty, but maybe he should try to keep a house plant alive before we test his skills out on my daughter!

Whoa. First of all: Seriously, ABC? A contestant calling himself a “Vampire Detector” and taking an unsuspecting woman out to his questionably religious, definitely creepy shrine in the woods wasn’t considered interesting enough to make it to air?

And second of all: Emily. You left out the most important part. WHO IS THE VAMPIRE IN THE HOUSE?!

I guess we may never get answers about the otherworldly darkness that Alessandro the Vampire Slayer detected, because this week, Emily and her 13 remaining men (well, 12 men and one secret vampire) are ditching North Carolina and hitting the road. First stop: Bermuda, where some of the guys will compete in a sailing race, Doug will get a one-on-one, and John and Nate will compete on the dreaded kill-or-be-killed two-on-one date. You can see sneak peek photos and read more details from those upcoming dates below.

More spoilers: Just today, Reality Steve released his episode-by-episode spoilers for the rest of the entire Bachelorette season, through the Hometown Dates and up until the final three. So if you love when Emily dumps someone but hate being surprised by who she dumped, you should probably read them!

Arie’s past: Steve also investigated all of Arie’s confusing at-home friend drama that may or may not lead to revelations that he was texting some other girl while filming The Bachelorette, and discovered that his past relationship with that mother of two he mentioned was even more serious than we saw on the show. So, if you’re interested, there’s that.

Now, on to this week’s Bachelorette video extras! For some reason, the usual “Diary of the Departed” video is missing from the bunch this week. What, did Tony cry so much that he got the camera all wet and ruined the tape? Ah, wait, that was too mean. Let me try again. Did Alessandro detect that the camera was possessed by a vampire and smash it? Or did Stevie accidentally knock it down during his rejection dance? There. That’s better. Anyway: The videos!

Deleted Scene: Chris’s Date Made the Papers. A producer thought it best to give the Bachelorette guys a brief reprieve from their total media blackout so a few of them could gather to read an interesting article in the local newspaper that is about … SURPRISE! … The Bachelorette. It’s like Chris is reading his own diary entry. If he wrote in the third-person. And was a robot without emotions.

The Bachelorette: Uncensored! Muscle Measurement. What do YOU think the guys do while they’re sitting around, waiting to hear if they’ll have a shot at possibly interacting with Emily at some point? Either I’m psychic or they’re uncreative, because this video shows that they do exactly what I thought they did.

(Image courtesy of ABC)

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.