Tamra meets with Heather and Terry for lunch to rehash her lunch with Alexis. She just doesn’t like fake people, OK? Then she proudly tells Terry about what she told Alexis he said. “Comically, very funny line,” Heather admits, “but realistically …” Ay yi yi, Tamra needs to learn not to do that.

Everybody is getting ready for this Costa Rica trip. Alexis is only going for two days, but packing for eight. Heather hopes everyone will be on their best behavior. Slade has looked up a list of what to pack online, but Gretchen doesn’t have any of that stuff, like “quick-dry pants.” They’re on edge–Gretchen keeps saying “I don’t have any of that,” but Slade keeps reading from this list. Therapy might have made things worse.

The ladies arrive at the airport at 4:00 am, well Alexis and Heather do. It’s awkward. I’m not sure why they have to pick Vicki up in Florida en route to Costa Rica, why she can’t just meet them there, but it’s her trip so whatever. 11 hours, they arrive at their resort in Costa Rica. While they struggle to read the numbers on the doors of their rooms, a local manservant prepares cocktails and appetizers for them by the pool.

The women toast their cocktails, but Vicki is mysteriously absent. She was taking a phone call, likely from Brooks. She arrives late and tells the girls “we’re having so much fun!” If you say it enough times, it will become true. She tells the girls to have their hair in a ponytail the next day, which launches a discussion of whether this will be a Natural Pageant, or Full Glitz.

“So no diamonds?” they ask, trying to figure out the dress code. No diamonds, no glitz, just a ponytail and not-too-drag-queen-ish makeup. Alexis gets hung up on no diamonds, even though she’s wearing her fake diamond. What? Whatever.

But Alexis isn’t done competing! Who has the least nannies but the most obligations? Who needs to be at home the most?  But to put a stop to all that, Vicki went into full-on manic crazy mode. She’s up, she’s down, she’s insane!

“I have to go potty! I have a bladder infection!” Vicki shouts. “I miss my babies!” Alexis says. “I MISS MY BABIES TOO! My baby just got married,” Vicki screams, then weeps. What! Slow down! This is Heather’s nightmare.

The next morning, after “three egg whites? No yellow?” Alexis shows up dressed like a drag queen zookeeper. A monkey jumps, not falls, off the roof and Vicki screams some more. They pass the flask around on the way to zip-lining and Vicki screams again. Then she screams for the women to play the alphabet game. You go on a picnic and you take your anus and your boobies and your dildo and it’s hilarious and everyone has a good time. CALM. DOWN. Vicki.

They get set up to zip-line, and a man braids Alexis’s hair for her. Finally, it’s time to send the women careening into the jungle.

“I just had surgery and I’m just worried. There’s no birds or anything that’s going to fly into my face, is there?” Alexis panics. She stays at the edge, freaked out, and Heather is effing OVER IT. Alexis is just exhausting. They will have more fun once she leaves. They zip through the canopy, and Alexis freaks out at every turn.

Once they stop for lunch, it is Vicki’s turn to freak out. But she freaks out in a different way than Alexis, she just goes back to being a manic crazy person. She’s singing, she’s insisting they play that alphabet game, she’s denying Brianna’s wedding, all at the speed of light. She is acting like a child.

Tamra shrieks for Vicki to shut up, and Vicki says she doesn’t have to because she doesn’t want to. They discuss Vicki’s sex life, briefly and jovially, but it takes a turn when Tamra takes a shot at both Vicki and her picnic game in one go, calling her a hypocrite. Apparently that’s a big no-no. “Let it go,” Heather pleads, but these ladies are not the type.

“It was the PICNIC GAME,” Vicki says, and Tamra responds, “you can’t make up your own rules to life!” It is rude to demand that someone get back on their meds, though.

That night, Gretchen and Alexis meet up in Alexis’s room, and Tamra and Heather meet up at Tamra’s. Alexis wants to talk to Heather, because she feels awkward about the underlying tension. Tamra and Heather talk about how exhausting Alexis is and how desperately she needs attention. Do we all have a friend like that? Who we wish wasn’t part of the friend group? There might be a couple in this crowd.

Dinner is awkward, but things ease up a bit when they join together against Vicki, who is not there again. Vicki shows up and ignores Tamra, being overly nice to Alexis. Ugh. Vicki keeps wanting to sing because “I’M HAPPY.” But Tamra isn’t buying it. Not that she needed to call her out on it just then, but whatever. The boys are going out to dinner while the girls are gone, but Alexis clams up when Jim’s participation comes up. God, what an awkward trip.

To make things even worse, Heather tries to reason with Alexis. She can’t be reasoned with! “You come off very materialistic,” Tamra tells Alexis. Heather tells Alexis, very awkwardly, about a scene she witnessed at Nordstrom, where Jim was being very loud about buying their son some expensive sneakers. Uhhhhhh … careful what you say in Nordstrom!

Gretchen levels with Alexis: sometimes she comes off pretentious. Alexis doesn’t see this as Gretchen trying to help, she sees it as everyone ganging up on her. She likes nice art and nice cars, who cares? She and Tamra bicker at each other until Tamra shrieks, “BE A TRUE PERSON!” and makes Alexis cry. “Stop being fake,” “stop being hateful,” is how the conversation ends, basically.

Well, crap, the entire next episode is going to be about Alexis and her problems, and then maybe about Vicki and whatever she’s been acting weird about lately.

Do you think the other women were ganging up on Alexis?

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).