Teen Wolf, MTV’s surprise supernatural hit, is winding down for a mid-season hiatus. A lot has happened during the first part of season three, none of it very good news for the residents of Beacon Hills.
Probably the character with the worst luck on Teen Wolf is seasoned werewolf Derek Hale. Actor Tyler Hoechlin even said as much when I chatted with him at San Diego Comic-Con, noting how Derek never seems to win any fights. In the grand scheme, it’s Derek= 0, Universe= all the points.
It’s obvious Derek Hale needs a vacation. Here are some of the reasons why we should be booking him an all-expense paid trip to somewhere tropical, where he can kick back with a fruity drink and not get stabbed through the abdomen:
Reason 1: His Entire Family is Dead
You want a tragic backstory? Well, Derek certainly has one, since his whole family burnt to death.
Reason 2: He Has Terrible Taste In Real Estate
If your entire family had burnt to death there’s a good chance you wouldn’t move back into the Kentucky Fried remains of the house where it happened. Not so with Derek Hale. Upon returning to Beacon Hills he immediately moves back into the crispy, barely standing structure that was his former family home.
Derek likes a home with some character, like one where the dust on the floor might actually be the ashes of everyone you once loved!
Of course, all good things must come to an end eventually. “Aw man bro, someone spray painted this symbol on your door!” “That’s it,” Derek declares,”this house is no longer livable!”
Now Derek do you want this beautiful two bedroom with working heat, water, and electricity? Or are you looking for this abandoned train car with a lot of character?
Which would Derek choose?! I’ll give you one hint; it’s not the one with running water! Of course, some bad memories were soon associated with his new favorite hangout:
Nothing like a little light torture to make you sour on a place.
So it was back to the real estate market, where Derek finally found an apartment. For the first time, Derek had furniture. Soon he was making tons of great memories in his new apartment:
Of course, this doesn’t last long, as they eventually flood the apartment in an attempt at killing the alphas.
Derek is totally not getting his deposit back.
Reason 3: His Love Life Is A Mess
When it comes to the love department, Derek Hale is more zero than hero.
As a teenager, Derek met a great girl named Paige. Unfortunately, things did not go so well for their budding love. Like most things in Derek’s life, it eventually ended in death.
Next, he met Kate Argent. She was beautiful, funny, smart, and wildly psychotic.
It didn’t go well.
Like…really not well.
Next was Jennifer Blake. She was a school teacher and all-around hottie. So far so good! “There is no chance this one is a psychotic serial killer,” Derek thought to himself happily. “Not this time.”
I mean, there’s just no way she’s been running around town murdering people! Finally, someone he could settle down with or at least be trapped in an elevator with…
…well crap. Derek suffers from the ultimate version of beer goggles. (Or in his case it would probably be more like blood-loss goggles.)
Someone really needs to make Derek a dating profile:
Now we know what’s happening in the opening credits: Derek is just a really angry baker.
I would watch a Cake Boss-style spinoff with Derek, but eventually, everyone who worked in his bake shop would end up dead.
Reason 4: He Cannot Win A Fight
For someone who managed to become an alpha, Derek is really terrible at winning:
Not going well for him…
Really not going well for him.
OH COME ON.
Reason 5: He’s A Grown Man Hanging Out At The High School
Nothing to see here, just a grown man lurking in a boy’s locker room.
Get in losers, we’re going shopping!
Reason 6: His Family Is A Pain
This is Derek’s Uncle Peter. He’s the worst.
He’s always doing weird stuff like bringing himself back from the dead and giving high school students a fairy-dust roofie.
Plus his sass is not appreciated.
This is Derek’s long-lost sister Cora. Apparently, sass runs strong in the Hale gene pool.
When she gets sick, Derek has to give away his alpha powers to save her. Of course, that doesn’t seem like much of a loss because…
Reason 7: His Whole Pack Is Dead
Derek’s wolf pack used to contain three members. The word to note is “used to.”
“Ok,” Derek thinks, “that one might have been my fault.” Derek really needs to go to a leadership conference or something.
Reason 8: He Can Never Find A Shirt
Derek is always working on his fitness. But you would be too if you were always losing your shirt.
Nope, your shirt isn’t over there Derek.
Derek finally finds a shirt! It’s a miracle…except…
“This shirt is all wrong!”
Even in his dreams, Derek can’t find a shirt. “Is that a shirt over there?” Spoiler alert Derek: it never is.
Derek Hale is sad:
Isn’t it about time he got a vacation? He’s not asking for anything fancy, just a small period of time when no one is trying to kill him would be nice.
What do you think? Does Derek deserve a vacation? What terrible thing happened to Derek that I missed? Sound off in the comments!
(Images courtesy of MTV)