Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on Smallville to witness the union of James Bartholomew Olsen and Chloe Sullivan. If there is anyone here who objects to this marriage, speak now, or forever…HOLY CRAP, there’s a giant alien creature destroying the wedding!

That’s right, tonight’s episode of Smallville brings the wedding of Chloe and Jimmy, the return of Lana Lang, and the arrival of a gigantic alien destroyer called Doomsday. Short of Oliver Queen being the stripper at Chloe’s bachelorette party, what more could you want from an episode of Smallville?

Smallville takes a page out of Cloverfield, and the episode opens with home video footage of the wedding of Jimmy and Chloe. There are plenty of cuts and very grainy video footage, but even more depressing is the fact that the wedding is taking place in Clark’s barn. The nuptials go off without a hitch, and there’s a big kiss and cake, and everything’s fine until…THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!

If you’ve seen Cloverfield, you know what happens next. There’s a loud, scary noise outside, the electricity goes out, people freak out and run, trampling over one another while screaming “WHAT IS THAT?!” We see Chloe (Allison Mack) cradling an injured Jimmy (Aaron Ashmore) as a monstrous thing shows up.

Frustrating me, the episode actually begins eight hours earlier. Lois (Erica Durance) has taken over the wedding planner duties and is running the day with an iron fist, trying to turn the barn into a suitable place for a wedding. She should’ve started eight days ago, not eight hours.

Jimmy takes some time off from rehearsing his vows to tell Lois that Clark likes her. He ducks in to see his bride-to-be, followed by the annoying videographer. The two lovebirds fall even more in love, but that’s ruined when Chloe gets a voicemail message from Davis (Sam Witwer), making her question in her mind whether she wants a boy or a man.

Oliver (Justin Hartley) arrives to let Clark (Tom Welling) know that Lex is alive, and that he can track him, but he needs Clark’s help. Clark refuses to help on Chloe’s special day, even though Lex is a huge threat. Still, Oliver guilts him into helping, but Clark still provides some warnings about going after Lex as vengeance for his parents. Clark doesn’t give him the stolen router, but one of Oliver’s cronies used wifi to download the info.

Back at the barn, Chloe tells Lois about Davis’ kiss. Chloe needs something borrowed to complete her tradition, but Clark doesn’t approve of her decision to snoop and borrow a piece of Kryptonite. If he didn’t have Jor-El wipe her memory of his secret, he wouldn’t have to worry about these problems. Instead, Clark lets her borrow a flower she gave him when they were freshmen in high school.

Oliver tracks Lex to Cuba, so the Green Arrow shows up, sees a bald man, and shoots him with an arrow. It’s a mannequin, and while investigating it, the Green Arrow gets his ass kicked by a girl. But it’s not just any girl, it’s…LANA LANG! Wow, that’s not how I expected to see Kristin Kreuk again. Suddenly Lana’s a vigilante also going after Lex to protect Clark. It’s a bit surprising how nonplussed she is to discover that Oliver Queen is the Green Arrow.

Shortly before the wedding, Lois acts a little nutty when she sees Clark in a suit. She helps him put on his cufflinks, and Clark reads Jimmy’s vows, but a mistaken Lois thinks Clark is confessing his love for her, and she’s heartbroken when she learns the truth.

This brings us to where the episode began, and now we see Davis, covered in blood and throwing out two trash bags full of guts. A cop stops him, and Davis warns the cop to leave because he’s having another one of his blackouts. Only by “blackout,” Davis means “turning into a giant alien Ultimate Destroyer.” We see the start of the transformation as Davis’ hand has black spikes popping out of it.

The wedding reception, meanwhile, gives Lois and Clark an opportunity to slow dance and slowly move in for their first kiss. By slowly, I mean at a snail’s pace, because they spend about one whole minute getting their lips closer and closer until, just as they’re about to kiss, Lana shows up. Perfect timing, as usual.

Shortly thereafter, Oliver shows up and finds an increasingly drunk Lois. Against her better judgment, she decides to confess her emotional turmoil to her ex-boyfriend, who thinks that Clark feels the same way about Lois, even if he can’t say it.

In an even more awkward encounter of the exes, Clark and Lana reconnect. She’s proud to see he’s living up to his potential and saving people in Metropolis, and she doesn’t regret the choice to leave. More importantly, she doesn’t respect Clark’s decision to wipe Chloe’s memory, because Lana never would have been able to forgive him if he did that to her.

And that’s when Doomsday showed up, and now we get a much clearer look at it. Doomsday is a giant, terrifying, spiky alien creature that resembles the offspring of Barry Bonds and Predator. It throws people around, destroys everything in sight, and generally kicks a lot of ass. Clark tries to punch it, but he gets flung across the barn like a rag doll for his troubles.

Doomsday approaches Chloe, and Jimmy tries to fight back, but gets slashed across the chest for his troubles. Oliver finds Clark to tell him that Doomsday has taken Chloe.

In the aftermath, Clark travels through the suddenly very popular hospital and tells Lana that he and Oliver are tracking the monster. Lois goes with Jimmy to see a specialist surgeon after having a tearful farewell with Clark.

Up at the Dark Fortress, Doomsday carries Chloe across the threshold and when she opens her eyes, she doesn’t look all that disappointed.

If that wasn’t enough excitement, someone is watching the video footage from Chloe’s wedding. It’s a man hooked up to a whole lot of machines. And he’s bald. Holy crap, Lex lives!

-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer


John Kubicek

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

John watches nearly every show on TV, but he specializes in sci-fi/fantasy like The Vampire DiariesSupernatural and True Blood. However, he can also be found writing about everything from Survivor and Glee to One Tree Hill and Smallville.